Family holding off visiting because 'we're waiting to see the baby'

[shesakeeper]

We recently moved to a bigger house in a new town. I'm 27 weeks pregnant with DC2 and we have a 3yo DS with additional needs, and we wanted to give him a bit more space. We're really happy with the choice we've made, even though it takes us further away from our family (who were already 3 hours drive away).

New house has a guest room, so I've made sure it's kitted out to accommodate family and friends. We've always travelled up to visit them pretty regularly, so I thought that maybe, just for this year while I'm pregnant they might come and see us. So I've invited them for weekends, Easter, half terms until my due date.

The problem is that none of our family, except my DSis, want to come and see us until the new baby arrives - when I'll be least able to host them. They're all making comments like 'oh make sure you book us in for June, so we can see the baby!'

I don't want them to stay over for 3/4 nights when I have a tiny baby! And what about my DS anyway, doesn't anyone want to see him?! AIBU to say I don't really want to host any overnight guests for the first couple of months? It's not like they'd help out with DS, they just want to sit and watch him play nicely without interacting too much.

It’s quite easy to say no to guests after a baby really

“Can we come and stay on these dates?”

“No, sorry, it’s too soon for overnight guests. You’re welcome for the afternoon though”

“Oh really, I’m sure we won’t hear anything”

“Just to be safe, sleepless nights are hard enough without having to creep around”

Lots of family did this to us...because they don't get much holiday and coming to visit is expensive. I don't understand the drama here. If it doesn't suit you, say so and suggest alternatives, but getting all upset about it is a bit pathetic.

Tell them that if they stay you will assume it's because they want to help you out. Cooking, housework, supermarket runs. All nappy changes including nights. Bringing you drinks on demand so you can BF the baby, or if you plan to bottle feed they can do all night wakeups & you'll be grateful for the chance to spend some time with your DS, who is feeling a bit unsettled so they'll need to spend lots of quality time with him too. Or, they could listen to what you want.

They sound pretty selfish from what you’ve described. I’d say ( or your DP should), that you’ll need the spare room when the baby is born for at least a month, but we (and your other child) would love to see you before then.
What does your DP say about his parents? Does he agree with you?

It’s easier said than done to get people like that to do useful stuff when there’s a baby. After I had DS I had a few family members who wanted to come round, hold the baby, have their tea made and sit in my seat. Tiresome.

I feel like some PP are failing to understand that OP's relatives are not splendid helpful guests. She doesn't think (given their previous form) that they'll be doing the housework and making the tea, but rather that they'll expect her to be doing that for them!

OP there are lots of points in life when you might wait on your guests hand and foot, but directly after having a baby should not have to be one of them. If they want to descend on you to see the new arrival, they can stay somewhere else (the downside is that someone will have to tell them, though I would nominate you DH). So glad you have a sympathetic nearby aunt!

Your Aunt sounds fab can I have one please?

Tell them to stay away. Hook the baby monitor up to your Facebook account and direct the family there. Spend the rest of your life apologising to the baby for this terrible intrusion. You may have to invent some dreadfully infectious (but benign to newborns) disease which gives adults shingles or something to deter actual physical appearances...

YANBU. i cant understand how they can wait 3 months. My parents moved and it killed me waiting a week lol but I'm a nosey cow and would have to come and see your new house, come back a few weeks later and then come back and see the new baby 😂 xxx

Update: As I predicted, MiL called to arrange the post birth visit. She wanted to come within two weeks of the birth. I managed to be kind and assertive and provisionally booked her in for two months after that, citing DS's birthday as a perfect opportunity to visit. Triumph!

You might surprise yourself and will be grateful for the company.

Using your DS’s birthday as an excuse to postpone the visit is not saying no to them arriving right after the baby is born. It’s avoiding the topic and pointing your MIL in a different direction. You haven’t stood up to her, if that’s what you thought you were doing.

YANBU to expect your family to not stay with you right after the baby is born. Not on at all, very inconsiderate of whoever is suggesting it.

YABU to have an expectation that they stay at your house at any point. You made the effort to drive 3+ hours with a child to see them - good for you. I’m assuming nobody forced you. They clearly don’t want to or have the time or energy to do a longer drive to see you once now and once again when the baby is born. They’re not doing anything wrong by that. Maybe they just don’t want to see you badly enough.

Good on you!

Plumsofwrath I don't EXPECT them to visit us. I INVITED them. Because it'd be nice to see them. Just not while I still have a gaping wound in my abdomen.

I also don't think, PlumsOfWrath, that there's any need to 'stand up' to anybody here. It was settled amicably.

Well done OP 👍

When my ds was born, my dad was staying close by renovating a house so was my lift to the hospital when I needed it. He telephoned my mum to say I’d gone into labour and hospital. She was 2.5 hours away with no immediate means of getting to me as my dad was up with us. My dh and I had agreed long before that the only people to attend at the hospital would be himself and a very good friend of ours that was doing her midwifery degree (I needed somebody I trusted with medical knowledge as the community team hadn’t managed to instil any confidence in me whatsoever.
After our ds was born, my dh called his parents then mine (I believe). Thankfully he was born in the evening so his mother would never have driven in the dark 😁
I spoke to my mum and arranged for her to visit. We took our son on his first day to see his other grandparents. Thankfully, my pil weren’t interested in visiting us. My mum arranged to come and stay for a week once my dh went back to work to do the housework, cooking, etc which was a massive help. Thankfully many of our friends were also considerate asking when they could visit and what time of day, giving us at least a week after ds was born.

I’m glad you could say something and keep it amicable. Unfortunately, we no longer have a relationship with my pil but at the end of the day they’re the ones missing out.

Absolutely not! There’s no way you will want staying guests with a tiny one, it’s your family that needs pampering at this time! Either make it clear it’s now to stay or when baby is at least six months old possibly even a year! Or just keep quiet but have in your mind no-one is coming to stay until you feel able. I didn’t feel quite human until my babies hit a year! You don’t know how labour will go and how you will all feel. Put your family first! They sound very inconsiderate!!!

I do know roughly how labour will go. I'm having a c section.

My husband phoned our parents after DC2 was born. I had had a rough time, baby came like a storm in less than 2 hours, I turned blue because I couldn't catch my breath in between, natural birth, no anesthetics, but all went well. I just needed a few hours to recuperate, yes? They kept me upstairs in delivery quarters just for that, but after hardly one hour they brought me to a regular room......where FIL was already waiting with his camera at the ready. MIL was also bery insisting and even wanted to come upstairs to the delivery room. My husband who is an only child didn't dare to send them away. FIL had been harassing the whole crew to tell hem the exact height of the bed so he could prepare himself to take pictures. So nurses brought me and DC2 to the room because they couldn't cope with his demands. I was not allowed to leave the bed for several hours, hadn''t showered, and my beautiful but sticky unwashed baby was on top of me and peeing on my Tshirt. As long as I was in delivery quarters I felt safe in my bubble, but not longer. I have never hated my ILs so much as on that moment. That precious moment they stole from me. Conclusion : don't let them in.

My MIL and FIL came before both my DC were born and stayed for some time afterwards. They were wonderful, they cooked, made the tea, tidied up and bullied me to make sure I got enough rest during the day. Sorry but I can't believe your family are so selfish that they will expect you to do everything for them rather than the other way around when you have a new baby to look after and a ds to entertain. They should be doing this for you and if they won't then they don't deserve to be invited until you're good and ready!! Good luck with the birth and everything.

You and baby are absolute priority .

Tell them stop being so inconsiderate

Tell them not to come for at least 3 months after baby has arrived

When I had my baby I literally locked my doors lol cause I knew my mum would come unexpectedly and I just wanted peace lol

YANBU I’d send out a very clear message that there will be no overnight visitors until baby is six months old.

Echoing other PPs re standing up for yourself now. If you don’t you’ll be constantly dancing to their tune.

I’ve moved to another part of country with a 4 hour drive and although I regularly go back to see old friends and family, hardly anyone comes to see me. My DSis is the most annoying. She’s always arranging to come down and then cancelling at short notice.

A couple of weeks ago she had a go at me for not visiting our DF much. When I next phoned Dad I apologised and said when I was next going to be up (just had surgery so a longer gap than usual) he laughed and said not to worry, I’d been to see him twice since the last time DSis visited. He’d been to see her mostly and he’s 84. She works part-time, has one DD round the corner and 3 DGCs. I work full-time and have 2DDs who live in another part of country and 4DSCs. But I don’t understand apparently and yes... I was the one who moved away. 6 years ago.

Book them in for June when the new baby arrives? Surely your family can book themselves into a local guesthouse/hotel. That's the only answer.

People are so annoying! Why do people say such annoying things when you're about to have a baby 😂. Remind them that you do have another child and that you and your partner currently exist! And that they won't be visiting for days for a good few months or until you feel comfortable and used to having a baby around again.