Family holding off visiting because 'we're waiting to see the baby'

[shesakeeper]

We recently moved to a bigger house in a new town. I'm 27 weeks pregnant with DC2 and we have a 3yo DS with additional needs, and we wanted to give him a bit more space. We're really happy with the choice we've made, even though it takes us further away from our family (who were already 3 hours drive away).

New house has a guest room, so I've made sure it's kitted out to accommodate family and friends. We've always travelled up to visit them pretty regularly, so I thought that maybe, just for this year while I'm pregnant they might come and see us. So I've invited them for weekends, Easter, half terms until my due date.

The problem is that none of our family, except my DSis, want to come and see us until the new baby arrives - when I'll be least able to host them. They're all making comments like 'oh make sure you book us in for June, so we can see the baby!'

I don't want them to stay over for 3/4 nights when I have a tiny baby! And what about my DS anyway, doesn't anyone want to see him?! AIBU to say I don't really want to host any overnight guests for the first couple of months? It's not like they'd help out with DS, they just want to sit and watch him play nicely without interacting too much.

It's not going to be easy but you have to tell them clearly in words of one syllable leaving no room for misunderstanding. Talk to your nice Aunt about the best way to deal with this.
Make it clear you aren't seeing anyone at the hospital either and will be telling the hospital you aren't accepting any visitors.

Good luck. Stay strong and be firm.

Tell them you are disappointed that they're only interested in coming to see the baby and be waited on.

Tell them you're not having it.

You have a son. He is their relative, too.

And you are not hosting anyone after you've had the baby until you're fine and ready.

That means no one is going to be staying with you in June, and possibly July as well.

And unhelpful people won't be invited until the autumn.

Stand up for your family. They don't care about your feelings or your son's feelings, so don't care so damn much about theirs. They don't have any.

I can't bear the thought of me cluster feeding with both tits out and them all sitting around waiting for me to make them cups of tea.

Nooo you have this all wrong! Get THEM to make the tea. And any other chores. Best advice I was given was to invite them all on the same day, but at hourly intervals, and have a list of things that need doing from hang the washing out to bringing it in via making tea/cofffee, doing the washing up from last night, peeling potatoes for tea, cooking tea, making sandwiches, laoding the dishwwasher, hoovering etc. Dish the jobs out while you're feeding and as the house fills up with visitors those that have seen baby will feel crowded and naturally leave. It's only 1 day of chaos but all the jobs get done. Then have 3 days without visitors.

They're used to you bowing to their demands.
Stand up for yourself now and say No, you Can't come immediately after the baby is born, I don't want to see you then.

I'd also be tempted to say something about DC1 not being important enough to be visited y himself as well, but that's the sort of thing that might create rifts, and they're already far enough away.

They sound a bit crap, to be honest. :(

I'm not even going to tell my family my dc3 has been born for at least a week. You don't need visitors like that. My family were awful with dc1, aroubd my house before I even got home. I had a three day labour and no food, third degree tear and surgery repair. The only comment to me was 'you look awful". Never again.

So they haven't earned the right to even know he has been born. Sounds like you have a similar family witg lack of respect and boundaries. Give yourself the respect they don't give you and form your own boundaries.

It sounds like you moved away so can see why friends and family think it's down to you to visit them. TBH if I had to travel a six hour plus round trip I'd be waiting for the baby too so that I only had to do the trip once.

You're pregnant and even after will only have two chidren. It's not down to them to make all the effort.

YANBU when I had dd I said both PIL and my parents had to stay in a local hotel, I didn’t explain too much beyond I just wanted our own space for our family. I’ll be doing the same next time. I was in hosp a few days with dd, I think I’ll limit visits there too this time as hope not to be in that long again. Also this time we have dd already so I want her to have some special time.

'After last time I definitely see that we weren't assertive enough with everybody. I have no issue with being assertive now!'

Yes, you have or you'd have already TOLD them, 'We are having NO visitors right after the baby is born.' And do not wait on them. You and your husband need to get a spine and use it now.

I'd stop making the effort to go over there, too.

Yellow is one of your relatives, I can see.

Say no.
Sounds like you've got nothing to lose sadly.

Yes I think the .....'guest room will be occupied by myself and baby during the fist few months' is a good idea to fend them off

PIL live three hours away and used to visit us once a year, when baby arrived they decided they would be visiting every month. We straight away said absolutely no overnight visitors for the first few months so if you want to come for a few days it's a hotel. They've luckily only come up to us three times in eight months and continue to stay in hotels, even now I wouldn't want them overnight as they're awful guests.

Just tell them, they probably mean well. There are so many threads on here where people are irate that their family didn't rush to admire their baby within 24 hours.

It does make sense to plan one trip, and after the baby is here, not multi-trips over a short period of time. Just communicate with them

People can't win: some get pissed off if they are not cooing over a baby (who are honestly not that interesting unless they are yours), others want their privacy

They don't mean well. The expect the OP to wait on them right after she's had a baby. They have no respect for boundaries or for her.

Yellow is one of your relatives, I can see.

No, just a person that doesn't subscribe to the theory that pregnant women can't do anything and everybody should pander to them.

The OP moved away, if she wants to see family she should make the effort. It's all about her.

Yellow, OP has visited them plenty. If they want to see her, her family should make some effort too.

'Oh, you don't want to wait; I'll need my rest and time with the new baby, so you might not see me for months if not years! Come now if you want to see us.' Said breezily with a smile.

They don't mean well. The expect the OP to wait on them right after she's had a baby.
did they ever say that the OP is not welcome to visit them?

Don't project your own issues here. It's up to the OP to speak with her relatives. Many people are delighted to have family staying over after they had a baby, they take care of cooking and entertaining the other child, and allow the new mum to have a lot of rest. Not all family dynamics are the same.

if you don't want them, just tell them. They might believe you will be pissed off if they don't come to visit after the birth.

'Don't project your own issues here.'

I'm not, I'm going off what the OP said herself about how they behaved after her first child was born and by her post about how they expect to be waited on when they visit.

Mil visited DD when she was 8 hours old from the ontology ward. My mum & dad drove a 400 mile round trip to see us when DD was 4 days old, only staying for 3 -4 hours. I treasure every moment of both visits many years later as you don't know what the future brings. However, if you don't want family visits, just tell them, don't let it build up into resentment. They probably think they are doing you a favour by not troubling you when you are busy with you DC & tired.

If you feel this way, your best bet is to tell them in writing. You can also state that they won’t be allowed in the hospital if you like.

Wow, Yellow is a barrel of laughs, right? They seem to be suggesting that we are responsible for visiting relations because we moved further away. That's crazy. Also 'only two children'? Yellow do you have a DC with ASD AND a newborn? How would you feel about taking multiple 5+ hour road trips with them?!

I wouldn’t pay too much attention to Yellow. I’ve read a number of their posts and their username is most inapt.

The OP moved away, if she wants to see family she should make the effort. It's all about her.

Ah, you’re one of those ‘if you move more than ten minutes down the road, you’ve betrayed the family!’ types. Always a treat.

Assume you took into account the bit where OP and family have previously done all the going to them, that she’s looking for a little reciprocity just for this year, and noting that with two kids, their visits to family may have to reduce.

But yes, they moved away! Burn the witch!

It wouldn't have benefited anyone if we'd moved closer. They are no help whatsoever with DS and don't really acknowledge his ASD. Also DH's work is based in London so we needed to be within commutable distance so that he can be home most nights. They refused to accept this and thought I was being precious for not wanting DH to work away from home 3-4 nights a week (actually HE didn't want to work away but they don't see that).

So we've inconvenienced them by being further away but actually we're really happy with our decision, and new home.

I guess I just thought they might want to come and visit us, like we've visited them in the past. Not often. Just occasionally. And with an ounce of sensitivity about new DC.

But they're just waiting for the birth to all descend and bless the new child with their presence.

'But they're just waiting for the birth to all descend and bless the new child with their presence.'

So you tell them NO now.