To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

JaneEyre, if you would have gone, then you're a fool and setting yourself up for a lifetime of such behaviour. You would have already caved from their perspective; what you said would have made fuck all difference.

My gran wasn't too keen on my mum (well, no-one would actually have been good enough for her boy). Apparently at my christening my dad was dealing with me and my gran stormed in and told him that "she" ( my mum) should be doing that and he should be out drinking with his friends and family. My dad's response was to fetch her cost and drive her home, crying, telling her to never criticise his wife to him again. She never did. That's the support you need from your DH.

@Playtpus, hats off to your dad. That is exactly how that should have been handled.

I went to a dinner party at my Mil's at 8months pregnant. I regret it to this day. All I wanted to do was lie down, but I sat there at the table. I don't know why I did it. My legs have never really recovered from the the water retention that came on that evening. Next day I told my DH I would travel home, faster, on the train as I couldn't stand it in the car for so long. I had contractions on the train and I had the baby that night! 3 1/2 weeks early. DH and the kids didn't even make it to the hospital in time.
You ARE THE ONLY ONE that's pregnant with THIS baby, and this baby is your only concern right now. Listen to your body OP.
I agree with others that you can personally thank all the people who gave presents and they will know that arranging a surprise party for a pregnant woman almost at term was a stupid idea.

One things for sure....family relations have been damaged over this baby shower. The 'up and down' awkward relationship between OP & MIL has just gotten a whole lot worse. I wonder if it was worth it l.

"Do people think a DH should not go anywhere at all for weeks before a due date? If OP goes into labour or is threatening to, the DH can surely come home? "

Well in my case he would be too late as ds was born 2 hrs after I first went into labour.
Thankfully, being a man he went nowehere far for a month before (his choice)

I had severe SPD/PGP in all my pregnancies. There is NO WAY I'd have been able to travel.

I remember going away for the weekend with some friends when I was about 34 weeks pregnant with no.1, and hadn't really realised how bad it would get. We were trying to go to Leeds Castle and DH pulled into the carpark. I just sat there with tears running down my face. My friends brought me a wheelchair and I couldn't even get into it.

Those who haven't had it cannot understand how debilitating it is. It's totally different from the aches and pains of late pregnancy. I had to think before I moved, every inch of me had to be propped up by a pillow at night, and I felt sick with the pain. Labour was a doddle compared to it, and the pain went straight after the birth, which was a welcome shock.

OP, I really feel for you. I have to say, I'd be playing her at her own game and asking if people knew how to tell the difference between Braxton Hicks and true labour pains, as they really hurt!

Then go AWOL for a bit.

But I have nightmare PA ILs, all of whom thought I was basically a vessel to carry the grandchildren and had no consideration for me. I used to be really nice and bend over backwards, they just took more and more liberties. Now I'm not nice and funnily enough they are much more respectful towards me.

We are NC with a lot of them now, life is SO much better.

IdontdoWindows
I didn't miss the bits you mention, no. The fact that the OP is in pain and is taking mat leave doesn't mean she will go into labour imminently.

Most of my comments weren't weren't directed at the OP, they were directed at the goadiness of posts on here - including yours.

EVERYONE is upset and pissed off here. And as I said before, it's not as simple as just demonising the DH and MIL. Everyone needs to cut each other some slack.

The fact that the OP is in pain and is taking mat leave doesn't mean she will go into labour imminently.

She is in fucking pain and you think she should go sit in the car for hours (which she has already said hurts her) and have some more pain to placate a MIL who cannot be arsed to consult her on a blooming babyshower? REALLY

There's nothing goady about my comments at all. Perhaps you can't imagine what it feels like being in pain all the time, but you don't ask a pregnant woman (or anyone for that matter) to take on more pain just to placate someone who doesn't have the sense she was born with.

So, OP are you having a nice nap?

I think so many people don’t realise how unwell some women feel when pregnant. I would have really struggled at the end to do a long journey and throwing up into a bag in a car is bloody depressing, especially when in pain.

"I think so many people don’t realise how unwell some women feel when pregnant. "

Not just that-the whole thing of putting up with something to not cause a fuss/not upset someone else.

Why shouldn't Op just put herself first-doesn't seem as if anyone else will!

I'd text her.

Not today satan.

If she wanted to do a baby shower FOR YOU it would be in your locality.
This is HER party. To show that she is GMOTY.

None of this was for you. It was for your MIL. Your DH is spineless and you need to have a conversation with him. He’s let you down massively today.

IdontdoWindows
please read my post. You'll find I said that of course the OP shouldn't go.
Clearly calmness and reasonableness are not welcome on this thread.

You'll find I said that of course the OP shouldn't go.

Yes, I did read that. After asking questions that indicated that you didn't understand the issue at all.

You're not reasonable and calm. You've not read the OP or the thread.

Fuck your arsehole husband and the horse with rose in on. Seriously what a class A cunt.

Pack a bag and go stay with your mum or anyone. Don't tell him just leave. See how he feels when plans are made without him.

Tell him you'll come back when he gets his balls back from his bitch mother.

Taylor22, that about covers it.

Bonnyshide, let's hope that the MIL is wondering whether it was worth all the fuss she has made and regretting making her relationship with her DIL worse - the situation is completely of her making. If she truly wanted to make the relationship better she should have clocked on how difficult last week's trip was for OP and cancelled the party then and there.

Why is it up to OP to put herself through pain to resolve this situation? She has been straightforward and consistent from the very moment the party was mentioned that she would not be up to travelling.

There are two adults involved here and one is completely blameless, so the other (the MIL!) should suck it up and clear up the mess she has made.

Gone are the days when women should put themselves absolutely last.

I'm so glad you didn't go, OP!

They really thought they could bully and manipulate you into going, didn't they? I think my favourite bit is your FIL saying he "expected" to see you. Fuck that.

You've done exactly the right thing, and hopefully next time your MIL will think twice about arranging things for her own convenience and then trying to force you into complying. Of course, if you'd sucked it up and gone like some PP have suggested, she'd have learned that bullying works really well and results in her getting her own way.

Fingers crossed your DH gets stuck in traffic

I'm also glad you didn't go. And I'd be tempted to text H while he's there telling him that he'd needn't bother coming back until he grows a backbone and sticks up for you to his mum...

I’m sorry but your husband is a knob. I went into labour early at 36 weeks and 4 days. I’m sure if you rang your doctor or your health visitor and asked about driving to this party they would have advised you not to go. Your hubby has little experience of pregnancy or babies by the sounds of it - I hope he gets it when the baby is born and is a better form of support for you.

not today satan

While I will probably never actually use this to my MIL it will be my fantasy textual response. Thank you 😊 perfection

if op weren't feeling ill and in painshe wb (a tiny bit) u.

but as she is feeling unwell and is in pain she is absolutely nbu and should stay home, stay comfortable.

I hope you've had a peaceful day, OP, and that your dh has grown a pair while away.

Year, he won't have. He'll have been moaned at all day about his wife's lack of compliance and he'll be in a pissy mood and blame the OP for it when he gets back.

It's just horrible that she has posted such PA on Facebook I think is going to be the pattern of their collective behaviour from now on tbh