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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do with DSs tantrums

62 replies

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 19:35

DS is two and a half. He’s currently screaming and throwing himself against his bedroom door because I’ve put him to bed.

He can be a kind, funny, wonderful boy. The problem is when I tell him no, remove a toy, or ask him to do anything he doesn’t want, I get a tantrum.

These aren’t normal tantrums though. He will kick me, punch me, pull my hair, throw toys at me, slap me, slap himself, and this will go on for hours. He doesn’t tire out.

I’m too exhausted and upset by this to fully explain how bad it gets, but it is upsetting. He won’t listen.

He is being assessed for ASD, and I’ve been told it’s very likely he has it. However, he responds to bribes. It’s going to sound awful but the only way I can get him to behave sometimes is by offering him a Haribo. Miraculously, he then understands all instructions I should add DS doesn’t talk.

I’m at my wits end. I feel broken and like I’m somehow failing DS but i have tried everything.

OP posts:

Camelsinthegobi · 16/03/2018 19:55

Sounds like the tantrums my DS had at this age. So violent and prolonged. A bad day would have 5 of them. I had a stairgate on his room (it never occurred to him to climb out, fortunately) and used to put him in there and stand where the toy missiles couldn’t reach. I’d reassure him I loved him and wanted to help but couldn’t accept being hurt. I don’t know if this is the ‘right’ answer but was the least bad option I could think of. We did lots of talking about emotions and I tried to get him to do physical activity every day. Park/playgroup/tumble tots/scooting up and down the drive. Every day felt like a survival challenge.

Sending him to nursery at 3 helped me. At nearly 4 the tantrums have almost stopped. He can still be violent when he doesn’t get his own way but this is reducing gradually. He’s much more in control of his emotions than before. I have agonised over whether he has some kind of disorder, but I don’t think he does. Just having a hard time being a toddler/preschooler, and very badly affected by having a baby brother (at age 2).

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 19:58

camels thank you, I always feel like it’s just me! DS does go to a nursery but he still does this. I also take him to his room and dodge the toys lol.

I think some toddlers have worse tantrums than others. DP is currently talking to him and calming him down as he’s in a sulk with me for putting him to bed. He’s better behaved for DP.

OP posts:

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 16/03/2018 20:02

This isn’t what you want to hear but it does sound like a normal toddler tantrum, although of course some
Children are worse than others and can keep up with it for longer! If he can be ‘bribed’ then I don’t think the ASD is the full cause of the outbursts. If he can’t talk, then the source is probably frustration. Have you tried signing? Not that it would divert most of the tantrums! In your position I would do the same as above, shut them somewhere safe and wait for them to cool off. When my daughter starts I just walk away but I am very lucky that she doesn’t continue after a few minutes.

PrettyLittIeThing · 16/03/2018 20:07

Really? Normal 2 year olds are violent? Doesn't sound normal at all to me and I have 4 kids. Don't know anyone else's 2 yr old that acts like this either.

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 20:10

If he can be ‘bribed’ then I don’t think the ASD is the full cause of the outbursts. If he can’t talk, then the source is probably frustration.

This is what I think too. If it were the ASD, surely a bribe would make no difference.

And I don’t know any other kids his age who are this difficult. It’s a fight to get him out the door, get him dressed, go shopping, going anywhere, literally anything.

OP posts:

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/03/2018 20:17

That's what DS2 used to do when he was overtired. If he did it at nursery when I was picking him up, there wasn't much I could do, I'd put him in the buggy and he'd be asleep straight away. I'd get him ready for bed an hour early so I didn't have to hold him down to get his pyjamas on.

Mamabear4180 · 16/03/2018 20:18

My 3 year old has ASD and bribes are the only thing that work! Autism is often misunderstood! DD will do anything for a sweet. Meltdowns on the other hand are different and a result of being overwhelmed. His tantrums may not be meltdowns even though they may seem extreme. My 3yo has meltdowns and tantrums. It's tough, I need more help and I'm struggling but that's another story..

It sounds like his lack of communication skills are causing an awful lot of frustration. He may also be overtired? Does he still nap? My 3yo DD is still in a cotbed. It's hard to know what to advise without knowing more but didn't want to read and not comment.

Mamabear4180 · 16/03/2018 20:19

And I don’t know any other kids his age who are this difficult. It’s a fight to get him out the door, get him dressed, go shopping, going anywhere, literally anything.

You're not alone OP. It's so hard. My 3yo won't even help put her legs in her leggings. Everything is a struggle. I'm right with you.

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 20:20

Only sometimes. He tries to avoid naps.

I have mild Asperger’s myself so I should know what to do with him when this happens.

OP posts:

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 16/03/2018 21:05

Yes of course ‘normal’ children can be violent. My 2yr old very rarely has tantrums but if I try to put her in the car seat in the wrong mood she has been known to hit me in the face! And she is mostly calm and happy...

Dangerousmonkey · 16/03/2018 21:11

VioletteValentia you can't really generalise with ASD though. One person's solution is not anothers.
I think the popular phrase is "if you've met one person with ASD you've met ONE person with ASD".
Don't beat yourself up. Your son's personality is his alone, even if it includes something you share .

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 21:15

Dangerous I just feel like he hates me. I ended up shouting at him because he went baserk smacking me and my mum, who was nearly in tears. He’s asleep now but I think I am letting him down

OP posts:

JamPasty · 16/03/2018 21:45

He doesn't hate you, and you're not letting him down! As he can't talk yet, can you teach him some signs so he can express some basic things like tired, hungry, angry, etc?

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 21:48

We try with signs, he understands more than he uses them. So he understands me signing to him, but won’t use them to tell me something.

I have to guess all the time

“DS do you want to watch a film?”
Nods
“Do you want to watch frozen?”
“No”
“Tangled?”
No

Until I guess it right. I’ve tried teaching him to tell me what he wants but he won’t.

OP posts:

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 21:49

He does say words, but only when copying phrases. Other than that, there’s about 6 words (no, look, stuck, this, there, you) he will say.

OP posts:

ShawshanksRedemption · 16/03/2018 22:22

He you tried visual cues? So for example instead of naming the films and asking, could you get an image of each film printed and get him to choose? Same with things like food, drinks etc, and he points to what he wants, you say the word and get him to repeat (if he can)?

The other thing to suggest is a visual timetable that explains his day. Many ASC kids like routine and want to know what is happening next as it helps them be less anxious. So for bedtime you would have a routine, as a visual prompt, so he can see what happens next.

This link may be useful if you think the above may help:
www.autism.org.uk/about/strategies/social-stories-comic-strips.aspx

TheNoodlesIncident · 16/03/2018 22:46

It does sound like his receptive language is OK, which is good. But when you say "only when copying phrases", do you mean he copies the phrase verbatim? So if he decides he wants a biscuit, would he say to you, "Do you want a biscuit..?" (Unlikely if his receptive language isn't impaired, but you never know).

He might be finding transitions difficult, and giving him visual aids as Shawshanks suggests might help. So in effect he gets a warning that bedtime is coming up, then an indication of what happens next, like getting undressed, then putting on pyjamas, then brushing teeth, and so on. You can download appropriate pictures for this from Sparklebox or Twinkl - I got loads from the latter and made lots of useful communication fans. You can also buy these ready made, like this.

It's very hard, my ds has ASD (and had LPD, which didn't help as he didn't have a clue what was going on a lot of the time) and I think I do too; sometimes I get what he's struggling with and sometimes I don't. And sometimes his dad can do a lot better with him than I can. If this how it is for you, play to each other's strengths; if his dad can settle him calmly then have him take over while you take a break to regain your equilibrium. There's no sense in your struggling with it when you could be being useful elsewhere, even if that's making cups of tea for when the storm blows over.

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 22:51

But when you say "only when copying phrases", do you mean he copies the phrase verbatim? So if he decides he wants a biscuit, would he say to you, "Do you want a biscuit..?" (Unlikely if his receptive language isn't impaired, but you never know).

No, he won’t say them unless I do. So I’ll be singing to him and he’ll repeat the lyrics to me. But he won’t talk to me or ask me for anything.

Visual cues might work actually. I show him the DVDs now if that’s what we’re doing and he picks a film, and I do the same with crayons and crafts. I give him the choice so he feels he can pick what he wants. I wonder if that might help elsewhere.

OP posts:

Barbie222 · 16/03/2018 23:05

I'd show him 2 choices of film to pick from, 2 choices of drink to take to bed. Show him the things as you talk whenever possible as his receptive language might be delayed? Make the room as safe as you can with childgates etc and withdraw whenever he becomes emotional - as he gets more emotional you get more matter of fact and detached.

Make sure you are always preparing him for what's coming next too and don't make him feel rushed - easier said than done I know!

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 23:09

Thank you. The problem I have is DS is very bright. So he sees where the DVDs are kept, where I keep the biscuits, bottles, toys...so if he wants something I’ve said he can’t have, he will figure out how to get it. He’s been known to make steps to attempt to climb onto the counter where I’ve put the biscuits.

He can also open doors and stair gates.

OP posts:

Camelsinthegobi · 16/03/2018 23:13

You’re not alone. Some of the worst times of ny life have been sat on the bathroom floor trying to brush DS1s teeth. People who haven’t been regularly attacked by their child really have no idea...

Camelsinthegobi · 16/03/2018 23:15

Just seen your last post. Is there a different kind of stairgate you could get? Using ours really was my only effective strategy for a long time...

eeanne · 16/03/2018 23:15

I’m having the same issue with my 2.5 year old. She is extremely verbal and communicates well. No signs of any ASD or anything like that. So I’d say yes it can be normal.

I have a 3 month old and DD’s tantrums are disturbing the baby’s sleep. She screams, bangs the wall, and throws toys both at naptime and in the morning when she wakes up. We live in a flat and a neighbor has complained already. DH is away for work so I can’t leave the baby to deal with DD in the early morning. I’m at my wits end.

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 23:16

Its hard isn’t it Camels. And yeah there’s very little understanding from parents of easy kids. I’ve had people say “just tell him not to” to me. Wow, thanks Linda, I would never have thought to try that!

It’s a deeply upsetting situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

VioletteValentia · 16/03/2018 23:17

Just seen your last post. Is there a different kind of stairgate you could get? Using ours really was my only effective strategy for a long time...

He would just climb over it, as he has before. I tend to just shut the door in his room and guard it so he can’t open it but that results in me getting hit

OP posts:

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