To not know what to do with DSs tantrums

[VioletteValentia]

DS is two and a half. He’s currently screaming and throwing himself against his bedroom door because I’ve put him to bed.

He can be a kind, funny, wonderful boy. The problem is when I tell him no, remove a toy, or ask him to do anything he doesn’t want, I get a tantrum.

These aren’t normal tantrums though. He will kick me, punch me, pull my hair, throw toys at me, slap me, slap himself, and this will go on for hours. He doesn’t tire out.

I’m too exhausted and upset by this to fully explain how bad it gets, but it is upsetting. He won’t listen.

He is being assessed for ASD, and I’ve been told it’s very likely he has it. However, he responds to bribes. It’s going to sound awful but the only way I can get him to behave sometimes is by offering him a Haribo. Miraculously, he then understands all instructions I should add DS doesn’t talk.

I’m at my wits end. I feel broken and like I’m somehow failing DS but i have tried everything.

He has sleep apnoea.

I have seen a lot of these kids and the change in their behaviour by about 3 weeks post op is nothing short of miraculous. Yes of course this may all be underlying ASD but until he’s had his OSA treated no one can really know. Honestly, these kids suddenly start smiling, sleep, grow and behave.

In your shoes I’d be calling the ENT surgeon’s secretary and beg for a cancellation. Explain how hard things are and how worried you are about the apnoeas.

Otherwise just hang on in there.

I may ring them and see. DS is a kind boy and he seems so upset at the moment. He was awake for three hours last night with DP. He slept from 9 until 1 and then 4 until 6.

It definitely sounds like frustration to me, I've been there with DD1, who has hearing aids. She had speech therapy at one time, as she was slow learning to talk (I noticed the difference with DD2), but thankfully her speech did catch up in the end. Her rages, though, sadly didn't stop and she's now going to be 9 this month and she's violent towards me and DD2 sometimes. I think there's still some frustration about missing things people say, though she also has Attachment Disorder as a result of being adopted.

I wouldn't worry about ASD until your DS's glue ear has been resolved as it sounds very much like frustration at not being able to express himself. As he responds to bribery, that's actually very encouraging.

I think it's a combination of 2yo meets autism.

Tantrums are fairly common this age as part of development. They are communicating frustration - usually it's related to struggling to communicate.
Your ds obviously has this above the norm if he has no speech.

This could be helped by using visual timetables and introducing pecs. If you have an iPad have a look at free apps for an idea of basic communication alternatives.

The asd will mean his tantrums can be more extreme or he can't calm himself. Once he's having a tantrum it could trim to meltdown (the uncontrollable behaviour which turns violent).

It's likely the haribo helps because he can see him getting something he wants. Children with asd struggle with social norms and so the usual toddler "I don't want to give this up/stop" is added to the "I don't understand why I can't have what I want"

Do you have portage or any local groups you can join? I reckon with a lot of patience and repetition if you can find a way for him to communicate it will reduce his violent behaviours.

There’s a group for SEN kids I’ve been invited to by our team but I haven’t been able to get there yet, as it’s not accessible by public transport and I don’t drive.

I’m going to find some apps

Yep, bribes only work for my ASD child too!

My youngest brother has ASD and went through a phase of violent behaviour before his language kicked in.
My parents, siblings and I had a strict routine that any violence resulted in the recipient getting up and leaving straight away (obviously not leaving him in a dangerous position). No pause, no words, nothing. Obviously this only works if he wants you to be around, some children (with or without ASD!) are happy to be alone.

Ahh OP I feel for you. My DC was the same at this age and was also on the road to assessment for ASD, which he’s now been diagnosed with along with possible ADHD.

The lack of speech makes things so much harder although my son does speak a lot better now which has reduced the number of meltdowns but he’s bigger and stronger now and I’ve needed hospital treatment when he’s really hurt me.

Best thing I learnt over time was counting down. So “X 10 minutes till bedtime/we need to leave/you need to put your shoes on to go out” then 5, then 3, then 2 then 1. Not saying it’s guaranteed but it’s massively helped. He’s not as quick to get upset and angry.

“Making a deal” is good too. “You come to the shop with me and mummy will let you help push the trolley/choose what biscuits we get/you get first dibs on the Xbox when we get back”. Basically it’s all stuff I let him do anyway but he thinks he’s getting a good deal. I used to pay him in chocolate buttons when he was your son’s age btw. Sometimes I still bribe him but he doesn’t assume anymore. Bloody hard work getting out of the habit though. There’s been a lot of screaming (including probably from me...) but it’s been worth it as he behaves much better than he used to when I take him out.

Other people’s opinions used to do my tits in, they still do. A friend of a friend used to “tease” by saying “leave him with me for a week I’LL sort him out!” At the time it hurt my feelings to the point I wanted to cry I felt such a failure. Now if someone said that to me I’d happily call their bluff. Oh, and have I considered a nice, calm bedtime routine? Because of course that will make sure he sleeps through bedtime is the calmest time in our house most nights. He still has a sleep disorder and hasn’t ever slept through the night. He’s 7.

Little your post is wonderful (as is every one on here!). I do the countdown and sometimes it helps. And thank you for saying about the buttons, I feel better for using Haribo now! DS has allergies so I can only use certain sweets.

Lots of prompts for transitions does make them less of a shock.

Countdown in minutes is hard for littlies to understand, '5 minutes' is a meaningless concept. You can get sand timers e.g. www.thedyslexiashop.co.uk/mini-sand-timers-set-of-5.html and clockwork timers, kitchen timers are good, that can help.

try holding him firmly. and rocking him in one direction only. hold him facing away from your body with head whereyour shoulder is. (a head but to the face is not pleasant) also if you can wrap your arms aroud his arms.

do not speak. reduce sensory input. make s sure he is well fed and comfortable. (enough to drink, warm enough, not hot/cold)

Thank you thought I might have babbled on a bit too much

I find training myself to give zero fucks about other people’s opinions and do whatever is easier for me and him and my other child who is often quite put upon at times. The good thing I have found is that the people who know (HCP, teachers even the dentist) don’t give you a hard time about how you do things. Each one has said “don’t worry about it, do whatever is easiest for you and your child” when I’ve explained the bedtime routine which ive kept the same since DS was a baby.

Things will improve over time but it can take a lot of effort and be a frustrating process for everyone.