To not know what to do with DSs tantrums

[VioletteValentia]

DS is two and a half. He’s currently screaming and throwing himself against his bedroom door because I’ve put him to bed.

He can be a kind, funny, wonderful boy. The problem is when I tell him no, remove a toy, or ask him to do anything he doesn’t want, I get a tantrum.

These aren’t normal tantrums though. He will kick me, punch me, pull my hair, throw toys at me, slap me, slap himself, and this will go on for hours. He doesn’t tire out.

I’m too exhausted and upset by this to fully explain how bad it gets, but it is upsetting. He won’t listen.

He is being assessed for ASD, and I’ve been told it’s very likely he has it. However, he responds to bribes. It’s going to sound awful but the only way I can get him to behave sometimes is by offering him a Haribo. Miraculously, he then understands all instructions I should add DS doesn’t talk.

I’m at my wits end. I feel broken and like I’m somehow failing DS but i have tried everything.

If he any speak and so t sign then tantrums are his communication .
Use photos symbols etc. Show him choice boards with a few Disney films. Get him to point.
Watch beginner PECS videos for the behaviour part of it.
Get a comms app on the iPad.

Som e to look at
www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2011/02/07/7-assistive-communication-apps-in-the-ipad-app-store/

He bits because he can't tell you why he wants out or what he wants.
Behaviour is communication
Take photos of his fav toys foods drinks videos make simple choice boards and visual schedules .
Get referred to speech therapist find one who will work with you on total communication ideas.

www.makaton.org/shop/shopping/externalResources/Apps-MyChoicePad

Might be useful to modify to his needs

Sounds like DD1 at that age. Literally everything was a massive battle. I believed she had ASD or ADHD but as it turns out she has a sleep disorder (as part of another condition) and was simply exhausted.

Have you had hearing checked? Any signs of sleep apnoea? How is his sleep?

You can also get now cheap sets of button recorders to put photos on and record
I want a video
I want a drink
Mummy
Daddy
I want to go out etc

www.unforgettable.org/talking-tiles-personalised-talking-reminders?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4YinwYLy2QIVVOcbCh3NPA5dEAQYAyABEgLf0PD_BwE

He does have sleep apnea. We are awaiting surgery on his adenoids and grommets for mild glue ear but have been told the hearing loss is mild and wouldn’t cause DSs lack of speech.

www.learningresources.co.uk/product/149541.do?src=GOOGLEPS&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4YinwYLy2QIVVOcbCh3NPA5dEAQYAiABEgKXT_D_BwE

If you show an d use consistently you can give him a voice

Your d's behaviour is all about communication

My d's has no verbal speech but uses iPad app he began with choice boards then PECS then iPad app . You can trial various ways.

Has he been referred to s l t ?
Get on any group or individual sessions . Use images photos arpund the hpuse so the cupboard where food is put photos of what he likes e.g. blue tak or magnet so he can point or bring you the image.

Try some PDA strategies, it should negate the bribery.
www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies
and read some Ross Greene

And get onto any early bird or preschool ASD programs.
That he responds to a reward can help you teach him communication

Honestly if he has sleep apnoea then a lot of his behaviour may simply be down to being really tired. Just think how your patience and reactions are altered when you are tired, and then imagine you are 3...

The lack of speech may or may not be relevant. DD was an early talker but still had mega meltdowns every day because of tiredness. She was able to talk in theory but didn't have the patience or self control to remember to use her words rather than screaming or hitting.

I would say, don't reach any conclusions (or panic) until after the surgery and he's caught up on proper sleep.

Speech and language are refusing to see him until his ears are sorted, I’m trying to bypass the triage as our paediatric nurse wants him seen but we are having trouble getting past the hearing issue, even though it’s mild.

Honestly if he has sleep apnoea then a lot of his behaviour may simply be down to being really tired.

He’s a lot worse when he is tired, so I wonder if you are right. He has had sleep issues since he was born. He was a SCBU baby because he had meconiun aspiration, and he has never had “easy breathing”. He was on ventolin at about 12 months old but he hasn’t needed it for a long time now.

When is the adenoid op?

What sleep issues have you noticed? Melatonin has been a godsend for DD1 but depends on your issues.

About three months I was told.

He holds his breath in the night, wakes up screaming, doesn’t want to sleep, fights going to sleep.

Luckily my 4 children didn't throw major tantrums, don't know how or why, but feel blessed.

My grandson, however, different kettle of fish. What my daughter and I now do is give a countdown to prepare him for bed, getting dressed, going out. eg: Grandson, it's bedtime in 5 minutes, then say it's soon bedtime let's wash your hands and face (or whatever belongs to your routine), grab your teddy and now it's off to your bed. The gradual easing in helps a great deal in his case.

Can you try 2 stair gates, one above the other in the doorway? The top one might need to be just a pressure one

Ok, three months isn't too bad. I really think you'll see a big improvement after that.

In the meantime, I agree with MrsCrabby's post about managing transitions with lots of pre warnings. Especially towards the end of the day. I also wouldn't schedule much for afternoons, and try for an earlier bedtime. Does he nap?

He sometimes naps but he fights it.

I think sleep was a pretty majoy issue for us too. Also, he might have pain/discomfort in his ears - DSs behaviour is much much worse if he is ill or in discomfort. So I hope the surgery will help. Hang on in there. Remember he loves you, even if he doesn’t show it much...

Thank you. He can be very caring and lovely, it’s just the aggression that’s hard. :(

DS has just attacked me again. I was sitting with him on the stairs and he pushed me. I said “no pushing DS that’s not nice” so he kicked and punched me instead. While laughing.

But now he’s grabbing my hand and wants to play

So was he asking you to play? Wanted your attention? Had a pain ?
All behaviour is communication.makaton signs might help. Show him some basic signs eat drink hurt

I think he wanted me to move, but he was on the stairs so I didn’t want to go. I think that’s why he started kicking. He needs to understand no though.

Afterwards he wanted to play and did.