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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off the are spending money I don't have?

79 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 19:28

Just had a text from sibling A showing a pic they have had framed for DM. with a message saying we owe X £70. Sibling B replies "looks great i'll give you the money this weekend".
I replied asking what it is for and am told it is a mothers day present for our DM. As it happens, it is a very nice and thoughtful present but I am pissed off that they have agreed this and ordered- expecting me to chip in, but haven't actually told me about it!

For context, I have two kids and have struggled to pay bills at various points over the last 12 months which they are both aware of, neither of them have dependants and are both single. It is also both parents birthdays next month too so I will have to pay for that!
I am really annoyed and don't know what to say to their latest message "sorry we forgot to tell you, thought it would be nice".
Yes it is nice but I cannot afford to spend almost £25 on mothers day (already spent £8 on flowers and a card) on top of two birthdays next month.
It always makes me out to be the bad guy! AIBU? What would you reply?

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 16/03/2018 20:35

Ok, you need to take a stand here: "really nice present, but you can't go spending my money for me. I do not have it and I think it's really not on that you've decided for me that I'm supposed to spend this money. You are aware of my circumstances and this makes me feel really shit. In the future, you need to ASK me. You don't get to TELL me what I have to spend.

This is perfect.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 20:38

*Ok, you need to take a stand here: "really nice present, but you can't go spending my money for me. I do not have it and I think it's really not on that you've decided for me that I'm supposed to spend this money. You are aware of my circumstances and this makes me feel really shit. In the future, you need to ASK me. You don't get to TELL me what I have to spend.

This is perfect.*
I must have missed this, going to send it them now so it is over by the morning. Thanks

OP posts:
SingingBabooshkaBadly · 16/03/2018 20:45

OP, could you not explain your financial situation to your siblings and suggest you all give your DM the picture as a joint birthday present later this month? Then you could each buy her a smaller individual present each for her birthday, if finances allow and your sisters could buy her something else for Mother’s Day instead. T

Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 20:47

well done OP.. take back control Flowers

Liara · 16/03/2018 20:49

I am sure your parents don't want you spending money you don't have when you already owe them money!

In fact if my dc gave me expensive gifts when they owe me money I would be a bit Hmm. If you explain to them that sorry you can't give them much by way of gifts this year but you feel that saving so you can pay them back is more important they will fully understand, and if they are vaguely sensible people, respect you for having your priorities straight.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 20:54

Well....they have just messaged back and said they are happy to cover the cost and say it is from us all.

Now I am crying because I feel like a bitch.
I hate that our financial situation effects other people. I have recently taken on more work to help this but nothing happens overnight!

OP posts:
MamaDoGood · 16/03/2018 20:55

Op could you sell something on facebook/eBay to make the money so you are not short? Could possibly earn a few extra £££ for all the other celebrations too and repayment to parents Smile

Idontdowindows · 16/03/2018 20:56

I must have missed this, going to send it them now so it is over by the morning. Thanks

You're welcome, glad it gave you an idea to work with. :)

Idontdowindows · 16/03/2018 20:57

Now I am crying because I feel like a bitch.

You are not. Your sisters were being thoughtless and easy with your money.

You're a nice person who's having a hard time financially and it's ok to stick up for yourself in these situations.

You are not a bitch.

letsdolunch321 · 16/03/2018 20:58

Honesty is the best policy

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 20:59

Mama- I am doing one of those children's markets next week to sell all the toys that don't get played with anymore. I made about £70 last time so hope for the same again but there is always something that eats it up. I think the washing machine is close to giving up so that's another expense we could do without.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 16/03/2018 20:59

I would be very surprised if your mother did not have a good grasp of the relative financial situations of her offspring. It is the thought that counts. Make your siblings aware that you need to be consulted next time as money is tight - nothing to be ashamed of.

AnUtterIdiot · 16/03/2018 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 16/03/2018 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FullMetalRabbit · 16/03/2018 21:03

They know full well my financial situation as it caused a big argument between me and sibling B at xmas

and then they did it again - I think the text was the right way to go. Draws a line once and for all.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 21:04

Mishappening, my parents are very aware as they have helped us out.

OP posts:
MamaDoGood · 16/03/2018 21:07

Don't be so hard on yourself.
You sound like a lovely person who's trying her best. X

Juiceylucy09 · 16/03/2018 21:33

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I am not as fortunate as my siblings either and it is shit when they're all chipping in on an expensive present. I get it every month it is someone's celebration to fork out for.

I started to be honest and say no to the big stuff. It was quiet liberating instead of chipping in and skipping meals for a month. Please say no and do not feel your the mean one, You have different priorities to them, DC having a full belly is stop of the list.

Juiceylucy09 · 16/03/2018 21:43

Aw that was nice of them, please don't feel like a crap, feel loved for your siblings.

I am sure you would do the same for them if your financial situation was reversed.

I hope your mam loves her gift.

Teateaandmoretea · 16/03/2018 21:53

I hate that our financial situation effects other people.

It doesn't. 12.50 is a couple of glasses of wine in a restaurant probably to your sisters. It's a lot of money if you don't have it as any amount is.

Stop worrying, you haven't done anything wrong and they are being nice. It's all sorted and they don't want you to be upset.

Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 21:56

Awww gosh no..... don't cry.. we all misjudged your Siblings.. crikey I feel awful too... at least now they know that they should ask in future.. Flowers

QueenArseClangers · 16/03/2018 22:03

Glad it’s sorted now OP.

What happened at Christmas with your sibling?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/03/2018 22:06

Don’t feel bad, they should have offered this in the first place given they can afford it (well, presuming you haven’t been careless with money).

It’s a lovely gift, but they cannot keep treating you like ‘baby sis’ & telling you not asking you. You’re younger than them, but you’re an adult, the same as them.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 16/03/2018 22:11

Yes, what happened at Xmas with your sibling?

Viviennemary · 16/03/2018 22:26

It was cheeky of them to buy the present without asking you first. I'd pay this time and say you know you should have asked me first and please don't do that again. I'll buy my own present in future.