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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off the are spending money I don't have?

79 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 19:28

Just had a text from sibling A showing a pic they have had framed for DM. with a message saying we owe X £70. Sibling B replies "looks great i'll give you the money this weekend".
I replied asking what it is for and am told it is a mothers day present for our DM. As it happens, it is a very nice and thoughtful present but I am pissed off that they have agreed this and ordered- expecting me to chip in, but haven't actually told me about it!

For context, I have two kids and have struggled to pay bills at various points over the last 12 months which they are both aware of, neither of them have dependants and are both single. It is also both parents birthdays next month too so I will have to pay for that!
I am really annoyed and don't know what to say to their latest message "sorry we forgot to tell you, thought it would be nice".
Yes it is nice but I cannot afford to spend almost £25 on mothers day (already spent £8 on flowers and a card) on top of two birthdays next month.
It always makes me out to be the bad guy! AIBU? What would you reply?

OP posts:

PopGoesTheWeaz · 16/03/2018 20:06

Just tell them the truth. Text "Oh, I wish you had told me as I've already sorted something for her and as things are tight at the moment I can't afford to give two gifts at the moment."

diddl · 16/03/2018 20:07

Wouldn't your parents rather have no presents/what you can afford than think that you are struggling due to forking out on them?

" "sorry we forgot to tell you, thought it would be nice"."

PopGoesTheWeaz · 16/03/2018 20:07

YANBU. They shouldn't sign you up to pay for something without consulting you on how much it will cost first.

Teateaandmoretea · 16/03/2018 20:10

Yanbu

If they are comfortably off then another 12.50 each is nothing. Just tell them you can't afford it.

RedHelenB · 16/03/2018 20:14

So they put the thought in and then offer to let you be part of it and you don't 3ant to cos you can't afford it and then also moan cos it makes your flowers look crap. YAbu. Why don't you think of great birthday presents that are within what you can afford to spend.

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 20:17

I bloody hate money!

The photo is of DM's mum who died about 14 years ago and of her nan who she cared for up until she died last month. It has a poem between the two pictures about mums etc.
It is very thoughtful and I want to be a part of it so I will say yes, but they will have to wait until payday for it and in future they need to consult me about it. They know full well my financial situation as it caused a big argument between me and sibling B at xmas.
I will just have to get parents a joint birthday present this year to save. Then it will be father day plus more birthdays in June.
It never ends sobs loudly.

OP posts:

teaandtoast · 16/03/2018 20:17

Are you one of the sisters?

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 20:19

RedHelen, they did didn't offer me anything.
They messaged TELLING me I owed X amount of money for something I had no bloody clue about!

OP posts:

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 20:20

Teaandtoast I am the third sibling. I knew nothing about the present until I received a picture of it.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2018 20:22

Swallow your pride here. You don't need to compete. Just say you can't afford it. Your mum won't mind, she knows youre skint, she still gets the picture and she also gets your flowers. You're an adult. She's not going to play favourites, just text them and say sorry, can't afford it, you should have asked first and leave it there.

Sarsparella · 16/03/2018 20:22

Yanbu, it’s unfair of them not to have mentioned the present or asked in advance if you wanted to contribute - tell them you’ve already sorted your own present & ask them to please check another time as you’re on a tight budget

Fishface77 · 16/03/2018 20:24

They’re taking the piss out of you op!
Put a straight message on there.
Say I’ll pay this time but I’m future ask me first or I won’t contribute.
It’s obvious you discussed it so I don’t know how you “forgot” to mention it to me.

Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 20:24

okay ... so you're not worthy an opinion in the choice or decision making process of the Gift for your DM...

but you're worthy enough to be sent a Text... TELLING you how much you're now due to them.. for this lovely rude behaviour....

Charming

Sprogletsmuvva · 16/03/2018 20:24

Slightly OT, but I don’t really ‘get’ this thing of Mother’s Day being Yet Another Gift-giving Occasion. Consumables in the form of flowers/ chocolate/ wine/ meal, fine, but beyond that seems more a marketing conceit than what the day has traditionally been about.
My DM had dinner cooked by her son, a diabetic-friendly cake plus wine by her daughter, got to see us both and her DGD, and went home with a bunch of flowers. Finances not an issue in our case, but I don’t feel like we short-changed her.

Idontdowindows · 16/03/2018 20:27

Ok, you need to take a stand here: "really nice present, but you can't go spending my money for me. I do not have it and I think it's really not on that you've decided for me that I'm supposed to spend this money. You are aware of my circumstances and this makes me feel really shit. In the future, you need to ASK me. You don't get to TELL me what I have to spend."

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/03/2018 20:27

Can you suggest making it a birthday present, seeing as you already have Mother's Day sorted?

BewareOfDragons · 16/03/2018 20:28

Stand up for yourself and tell your DSis nicely but firmly that you've already bought something, and you can't afford to go in on a present you weren't consulted about. Don't back down. She's out of order.

teaandtoast · 16/03/2018 20:28

Sorry, hiding my post was directed at RedHelen.

YANBU. I can't believe they forgot.
I also can't understand why they couldn't do the same gift, but a lot cheaper. Is it massive?

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 20:28

I agree Sproglet, especially when said mothers birthday is 3 bloody weeks later!

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/03/2018 20:29

Don't pay them! Say, "Stop bloody spending my money without telling me! You know I'm broke. I've got children to feed and bills to pay - I can't afford to pay for things like you can."

LanguidLobster · 16/03/2018 20:31

YANBU, I think they should present it from you all and pay for your bit!

Pengggwn · 16/03/2018 20:32

'It is really nice. I just can't afford it. Sorry.'

Vickxy · 16/03/2018 20:33

Wow tell them to bugger off. I hate when people do not even think for a second about other peoples personal circumstances and if they can afford such a large amount on a present. had this a few years back with my sister. We never ever get joint presents, but she randomly decided we were going halfies on something she had chosen. Got a random text saying 'I decided to get something from both of us for mam for her birthday, you owe me 200'. I was I told her as we had had no discussion about this, no way was I giving such a huge amount to her for something I hadn't wanted, and that I already had a birthday gift sorted anyway.

She fell out with me for AGES over it but no way was I playing.

I still suspect she may have bought from her, then became a little skint for one reason or another and was trying to use me to get a bit of cash for whatever reason (she had in the past asked to lend various amounts from me, and it had happened so often that I had started saying flat out no to that too) but I guess I will never know what actually happened, but she knows not to try that one again.

Willow2017 · 16/03/2018 20:33

Red
Why dont you actually rtft?

Offering to let someone be part of something when you know they are struggling with money and you are well off means not asking them to pay towards it.

You can get a nice bunch of flowers for £6- £8 or a pile of 'mothers day tat' i know what i would prefer.

Dont be bullied op thier idea, they should have asked you before hand. Totally thoughtless pair.

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2018 20:34

I'm glad I am not being unreasonable. It's put a dampener on my evening a little. I am going to have a very very early night with a glass of wine and I will reply to them in the morning when I feel less peeved.

OP posts:

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