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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp emotions after childbirth.. Anyone similar

65 replies

ExhaustedAndHormonal · 16/03/2018 18:42

wondered if anyone else's dp has been like this
From when I was in labour he's been so emotional. He was crying seeing me in pain ( long story but had no pain relief) he said he struggled more as knew the midwifes weren't being honest about where the anesthesist was for drugs.. Then they lied about how much I'd torn.. Now I understand why, because I was scared of tearing so they played it down. But reading my notes it was a bigger tear..
He went to do some shopping but kept phoning seeing if all OK.
Went to get some bits and bumped into a friend who kept him talking.. Got home and scooped baby up apologising for being longer than thought

Baby has a bit of colic = changed bottles etc etc to help. But he gets so upset when she's in pain

He is worried about going back to work after paternity

We always said we would have 2*children together but he's freaking about another birth experience being the same..

He has a daughter already who stays EOWeekend.
His mum thinks it's because when his dd was born his ex kind of kept baby to herself and turned into a different person so maybe he feels scared of that? Obviously he's hurt and I've told him that it's not like that now.. That we are both parents.. Not just one or the other.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation.
He's generally quite a softie.. Not depressed or anything. Just wondered if this was a common thing?

OP posts:

LimonViola · 16/03/2018 18:48

I'm not sure whether it's common or not, but it certainly doesn't sound odd or unusual that a new father would have some kind of emotional response to seeing his partner go through the trauma of childbirth, and have his emotions be up and down adjusting to a new baby and all of the disruption that brings.

Men can develop anxiety or depression after a new child, well at any time really, but a new baby can be a trigger.

If he really struggled witnessing you in so much pain and feared for your safety there's a small chance he may have developed PTSD too.

I'd recommend he calls his local IAPT, explains the situation and asks for an assessment for anxiety. There's no shame in that at all, though I wouldn't be surprised if someone comes along soon to scoff at the idea of a man struggling after birth and bust out the whole 'he thinks he's had a hard time, what about you!?' which isn't helpful, especially in a society where men are already discouraged from talking about their mental health and suffer increased rates of suicide.

Original poster

ExhaustedAndHormonal · 16/03/2018 21:49

Thank you x

OP posts:

ProseccoPoppy · 16/03/2018 21:57

I think your DH’s reaction, while possibly not that common, is really really understandable. If it becomes problematic (perhaps if he is struggling in a week or two or finds it very difficult to return to work) your HV might be able to help. Mine wanted to see how DH was doing as well as me and baby with our first and was very clear that PND (or effectively PND) can affect men too. I am not at all saying that is the issue for your DH, I have no medical experience and don’t know him, but it’s perhaps something to have on radar. I think if DH had been struggling our HV would have been able to at least point him in the right direction for support.

potatomama · 16/03/2018 22:01

My DS was born over 2 years ago, and it was so awful, dh and I decided soon after - never again. I think it's commoner than people think for husbands to be upset.

Neverender · 16/03/2018 22:02

To be frank, he just sounds like an honest bloke. Lots of men feel like he does but they just don't tell anyone. It's a really good thing that he can tell you how he feels

Neverender · 16/03/2018 22:03

My DH struggled and really didn't want to go back to work but refused to speak about it. He sounds kind of lovely x

Rhodes2015again · 16/03/2018 22:12

Hi OP.
My DH really struggled. He thought I was going to die, birth was rushed as I had big bleed, midwives lying about pain relief, he heard them phoning to order blood (baby was out before it came to that) ended up with forceps & episiotomy, I was far from dying but he was scared and first baby so he didn’t know what to expect.

We’re 8 months in and we can actually now talk about the birth without him getting upset.
We were offered a session to go through the birth with midwives to explain what was done and why and a health visitor also offered to refer him for some sort counselling session. Have you been offered any of these? I would maybe mention it to HV.
DH didn’t want to do it but I honestly think he should of.

Your DH sounds really thoughtful and lovely.

DonaldWeasley · 16/03/2018 22:15

My dh was very similar, it manifested in different ways but had that same very emotional fear response and would barely let me or baby out of his sight. It got better slowly, we did a post/birth debrief about two years later which helped and we are now TTC a second.

Ohyesiam · 16/03/2018 22:15

He just sounds really good at the expressing his feelings.

DonaldWeasley · 16/03/2018 22:16

Sorry, the way I wrote that sounded like it took two years to get better!!! It wasn’t that long at all!

Sparklesdontshine · 16/03/2018 22:17

He sounds lovely, really gentle and caring

RJnomore1 · 16/03/2018 22:17

How old is your baby?

lostmyslippers · 16/03/2018 22:24

@ExhaustedAndHormonal ...you both sound lovely. Looks like you both have each other's back. Enjoy your baby and each other x

AjasLipstick · 16/03/2018 22:30

My DH was also traumatised and got extremely upset during my very tricky labour which turned into an emergency section. Not everyone's good in those situations and he began crying and got sent out.

He was later very emotional about worrying about the baby DD and myself he had nightmares and hated leaving to go to work as he'd worry we were ok....he got diagnosed with depression and anxiety which was soon sorted out and he's fine now (13 years later!) I do think it was triggered by the somewhat dreadful labour experience.

LightDrizzle · 16/03/2018 22:33

I remember one of our antenatal classes at the hospital involved recent parents returning to share their experiences with us. 27 years later I remember one couple. She was blithely jiggling the baby on her knees and recounted her labour and delivery quite matter-of-factly, but her husband still seemed stunned and a bit traumatised; mumbling about how hard it was to see his wife in pain and not being able to stop it etc. He looked awful. She would interject and say something along the lines of “but it’s all worth it”, he looked frankly doubtful.
I can see that the powerlessness and intensity of it all could be very traumatic for loved ones. We are all so insulated from real suffering these days, for most of us it’s our first encounter with something so powerful, - and it is still one of the riskiest things we do.
Perhaps he could talk things through with a midwife or HV?

happysnappysandwich · 16/03/2018 22:36

Midwife here. You might be surprised to find that it's actually quite normal. Some men find labour and delivery extremely traumatic. We are not good at supporting new fathers yet, but we are better than we were and research suggests that as a medical profession we need to be more aware of the impact on new fathers. Give him lots of reassurance that you are recovering and able to cope, and that he's a good dad. Congratulations!

PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 22:41

I think it was Robbie Williams who said that watching his wife give birth was like watching his favourite pub burning to the ground.

It's not very fashionable to say it, and certainly I've seen a couple of recent threads about how zen and calm and spiritual posters were during labour....well good for them. I'm sure they would have been just find back when one mother in three died in childbirth.

For me, labour was the absolute worst experience of my life and I am lucky I'm not more damaged from it. I love my son to the ends of the earth but by God I will never go through that again. It is not easy for a man to see his beloved life partner in that amount of pain, being torn, bleeding, and fearing even for her life as well as that of the child being born. I am frankly amazed that more men don't react that way.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/03/2018 22:41

I think the poor fellow is a bit traumatised and clearly found it a harrowing experience

It’s a relatively new phenomenon as men didn’t used to attend births

Keep an eye on him and hopefully as the week soon pass he feels better

I do actually feel genuinely sorry - as it’s can’t be nice to witness a bad birth - especially if you are a sensitive soul

Take it easy all of you and congrats

RedToothBrush · 16/03/2018 22:43

Birth trauma in fathers and partners is recognised.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/help-support/fathers-partners-page
Here's the birth trauma association's page on it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/03/2018 22:49

I think it is scary. I was my baby's non-birth parent, and DP had a traumatic labour and then our baby got quite ill, and I can relate to doing things like phoning a lot to see if you're ok. I didn't do that but I wanted to, and I certainly got very tense about the baby crying. I think part of it is that you feel you've failed as the birth partner, because your job was to advocate for the woman who's in labour and make sure everyone treats her nicely (and doesn't lie about the tear, for example! That is bad). And you also think it's your job not to be emotional, but that is actually quite an odd thing expectation there's a real chance of mum or baby dying.

If he's still on paternity leave you are still both getting used to thinks and he will stop worrying so much soon.

TatianaLarina · 16/03/2018 22:49

My DH is a surgeon and so used to blood, trauma and being detached and calm. He still went to mush! I wanted him to stay out of the room, but he wanted to keep an eye on everything.

SunnySunnyDay · 16/03/2018 22:50

PoorYorick - RW's comment was in response to being asked if he'd been down at the business end of things at the birth

A bit different to the emotional slant of the OP, but it's the thought that counts.

Mrsmadevans · 16/03/2018 22:54

OP firstly Congratulations on the birth of your baby and secondly it sounds to me as if your DP has been traumatised by watching your delivery bless him. I think he needs to talk about it and cry and get it out of his system and he may even need counselling . I kid you not . Hope things are better soon I am sure they will be, he sounds a lovely sensitive soul .

PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 23:00

I don't understand why anyone would want their partner at the business end anyway, but then I was never into the fetishisation of childbirth even while pregnant. Just as well, considering the experience I had.

But then I'm pretty militant about nobody having any right to be in the birthing room without the mother's consent anyway, and that's apparently not a popular view at all. I once made a reference to patient confidentiality and a few people insisted that a woman giving birth in a hospital environment is not a patient.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/03/2018 23:11

Dunno about anyone else, but I ended up at the 'business end' for the very practical reasons that 1) DP constantly wanted me to massage the ache in her thigh muscle which was cramping after a three-day induction, and 2) she wanted to know if anything was visibly happening because the midwife was ignoring her.

Sorry if that's too 'fetishised' for you, yorick.

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