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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp emotions after childbirth.. Anyone similar

65 replies

ExhaustedAndHormonal · 16/03/2018 18:42

wondered if anyone else's dp has been like this
From when I was in labour he's been so emotional. He was crying seeing me in pain ( long story but had no pain relief) he said he struggled more as knew the midwifes weren't being honest about where the anesthesist was for drugs.. Then they lied about how much I'd torn.. Now I understand why, because I was scared of tearing so they played it down. But reading my notes it was a bigger tear..
He went to do some shopping but kept phoning seeing if all OK.
Went to get some bits and bumped into a friend who kept him talking.. Got home and scooped baby up apologising for being longer than thought

Baby has a bit of colic = changed bottles etc etc to help. But he gets so upset when she's in pain

He is worried about going back to work after paternity

We always said we would have 2*children together but he's freaking about another birth experience being the same..

He has a daughter already who stays EOWeekend.
His mum thinks it's because when his dd was born his ex kind of kept baby to herself and turned into a different person so maybe he feels scared of that? Obviously he's hurt and I've told him that it's not like that now.. That we are both parents.. Not just one or the other.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation.
He's generally quite a softie.. Not depressed or anything. Just wondered if this was a common thing?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 23:20

It's nothing to do with me, LRD, why would you think it was?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/03/2018 23:22

Before your comment, I would have assumed it was nothing to do with you.

But you seemed rather keen to use an unpleasant judgy term about other people's choices, didn't you?

Sashkin · 16/03/2018 23:23

I was in hospital for most of my third trimester and we were worried DS might not make it as far as delivery, so DH was pretty anxious even once DS was actually here that he still might die on us.

He threw himself into being a very hands-on dad (doing all the finger feeds himself, changing most of the nappies, taking him for a couple of hours in the morning before he went to work so I could nap, etc).

Being more involved meant he soon felt more confident that DS was here to stay, and obviously now DS is a toddler it’s great because he can look after him just as well as I can. So yes it’s normal, but getting him involved will help with that.

PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 23:27

No, I said that I don't understand why any woman would plan to have their partner at the business end, and I don't. If some women do, that's their prerogative, they don't owe me an explanation.

And I said that I was never into the fetishisation of childbirth, which I wasn't, and am bloody glad now that I wasn't. Because for me, and a lot of women I know, childbirth was fucking traumatic and permanently damaging.

What you and your partner chose to do is nothing to do with me. You obviously feel differently, but please be assured in the knowledge that I don't care.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/03/2018 23:30

You know full well it was the term 'fetishisation' that was unpleasant. And it was.

It has fuck all to do with someone seeing their partner's privates during labour.

I think you perhaps don't realise how rude you sounded saying that.

PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 23:36

Yes, well, I think it's accurate. Perhaps you were not exposed to an avalanche of propaganda about how birth should ideally be entirely natural, preferably no pain relief, some warm water and a bit of self hypnosis is all you need, and God forbid you have a section or you ruin the miracle. And yes, people telling them they should allow partners at the business end, even if they didn't want that.

If you didn't get this, lucky, lucky you. Unfortunately I, and many other women I know, got bombarded with this crap.

I distanced myself from it, but not all women I know felt able to do it. In some cases, it exacerbated what were terrible birth experiences anyway. Certainly a lot of women I know felt pressured into things that they did not really want to do but felt they should because they were not prepared for the reality of labour.

If you don't like that, well...you shouldn't.

This is what I mean by 'fetishisation' and I won't retract it. If you want to project your own feelings on to it, well, that's your decision.

MadeForThis · 16/03/2018 23:38

I think it's easy for the DH to be traumatised by the delivery as they are aware of every second.

I know when I was in labour I was inside my own head for a lot of it. Focusing on breathing and coping with the pain.

Although I was aware of the fear in the room when her heartbeat dropped and when they were considering forceps my DH had a greater sense of the true fear level amongst the midwives and doctors.

The feeling of being out of control and unable to remove the pain must be traumatic. Having to step back and let it all happen again must be difficult.

He should talk to somebody. Even another father who has witnessed a difficult birth.

MrsSkeletor · 17/03/2018 01:08

I think she means 'fetishising' more in terms of 'idealising' rather than anything sexual.

PoorYorick · 17/03/2018 08:01

I do, yes. Thank you.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/03/2018 08:10

Well, unfortunately, fetishising does have sexual connotations. It doesn't mean 'idealising'. If she chose a word she didn't understand, she should see why people who do understand it might object.

Besides which, you'll have to explain how being at the 'business end' at birth has anything to do with idealising anything, or any of what yorick describes. It simply doesn't. She's just being rude about other people's choices.

1AngelicFruitCake · 17/03/2018 08:22

I had some a bad tear and needed a blood transfusion but I was less traumatised than my husband. He said he saw everything and he was very upset after the birth. There's this culture of telling blokes to man up yet at the same time we expect them to be sensitive.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/03/2018 08:25

How can people NOT go to the busiest/ vagina part of the birth !!! That’s the exciting bit surely ?

I can’t even remember - but I can imagine having to sit there and watch a classic shit birth and not be able to do anything must be .,.. harrowing

MrsSkeletor · 17/03/2018 08:38

You can fetishise something in a non-sexual fashion. You are the one applying an overly narrow definition of the word. Sexual fetish is only one application of the term. A quick dictionary.com lookup refers to a fetish as "any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion" which is consistent with how PoorYorick was using it. Yes it can also mean 'eroticising' in some contexts but she was clearly not implying anyone was getting sexual satisfaction from being 'at the business end' during birth. I'm sure she understood the meaning of the word she chose as the reification of all aspects of natural childbirth vs some people's preference for a more medicalised or sanitised approach is a subject often debated on these boards.

MrsSkeletor · 17/03/2018 08:42

Hah, perhaps I used the word 'reification' incorrectly just now (realised as I hit 'post') but I'm sure someone will be along to correct me :) I've not had much sleep so forgive me.

Flockoftreegulls · 17/03/2018 09:00

Yorik, I am sorry that you had such traumatic experiences in labour. You are clearly still very angry about what happened.
I think that regardless of your opinion on whether husbands or partners should be in the room or not, the op's partner was there and is having difficulty coming to terms with what happened.
Perhaps as someone who has been through a traumatic experience you might be able to offer some insight on coping strategies or techniques that can help.
I can imagine it's very difficult to watch someone you love in pain and not be able to do anything. That is then compounded if you lose trust in the hcp looking after your loved one.

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 09:23

I was very clear my DH was not to be at the business end, he had to be up top with me. Tbh being a doctor he may have been fine with it, but I was not.

However I don’t judge other people’s choices. People have to do what’s right for them. Some fathers have told me it was very important for them to actually see their kids born. To involve them in the process. And it was one of the most profound experiences of their life.

Diff’rent strokes.

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 09:47

Fetishisation of something is not necessarily a sexual term, despite originating from the term 'fetish' which obviously does relate to sexuality.

For example 'our culture fetishises being constantly busy'.

One can fetishise something in a sexual manner, but equally in a way that's zilch to do with sex.

From the dictionary:

have an excessive and irrational commitment to (something).

Yorick clearly meant that there's an element of irrationally focusing on the birthing 'experience' with lots of unreasonable expectations (perhaps that it be 'natural', pain free, vaginal only, that women birthing or carrying are deified and often patronised and seen as birthing vessels instead of individuals) instead of a more realistic view that birth is a normal process for almost all animals and how it happens doesn't matter to anyone but the mum in question. I'm adding my own stuff on there Yorick to try explain, I know you've not said that stuff.

So you've taken the term fetishisation, totally ignored the non sexual connotations and got offended thinking Yorick must mean that anyone wanting to see genitals during birth is a perve getting sexual kicks. You're the one who is mistaken and doesn't seem to want to admit it.

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 09:48

Aimed at LRD obviously ^

Trooperslane2 · 17/03/2018 10:02

Stop derailing the thread, guys!

OP my DD shot out like a bullet and I had a very blue baby rushed to the heat lamp and suddenly a room full of consultants, registrars and NICU nurses.

Fortunately DD didn't have to go to NICU.. I was too out of it to really process what had happened but DH wasn't.

He was not good for a few weeks, not good at all. He spent quite a bit of time alone with the midwife on about day 4 asking to go through the birth notes and to get some reassurance that DD was, in fact, ok.

He had absolutely no idea what to expect in labour suite, no experience of babies at all and didn't do an ante natal classes.

He was definitely traumatised and although in the end I got off quite lightly, he was highly anxious for the first few months.

Your DH sounds lovely BTW and congrats on your baby.

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 10:05

Trooperslane2 It would be a very dull board if nobody could ever expand on a topic or respond to other people's posts, even if they're not specifically within the boundaries of responding to a question in the OP :P

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 10:08

No evidence that LBD was focusing on the sexual aspect of fetish - didn’t get that impression at all - she simply commented that the use of the word was ‘unpleasant’ and ‘judgy’.

I can’t disagree.

mimibunz · 17/03/2018 10:09

Why do midwives lie about pain relief? Is it common in Britain?

Trooperslane2 · 17/03/2018 10:10

Limon

OP is clearly needing help, not wanting to hear you two banging on about something irrelevant to her question!

MrsSkeletor · 17/03/2018 10:11

LRD: "Well, unfortunately, fetishising does have sexual connotations. It doesn't mean 'idealising'. If she chose a word she didn't understand, she should see why people who do understand it might object."

(re: Tatiana)

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 10:12

That was the first time I spoke on the issue :/ I think you've got me confused with the other posters MrsSkeletor, PoorYork and the original LRD poster who were all debating it.

Either way, being the thread police isn't a good look. Hit report and if it's inappropriate it'll all be removed :)

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