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Original poster

Dp emotions after childbirth.. Anyone similar

65 replies

ExhaustedAndHormonal · 16/03/2018 18:42

wondered if anyone else's dp has been like this
From when I was in labour he's been so emotional. He was crying seeing me in pain ( long story but had no pain relief) he said he struggled more as knew the midwifes weren't being honest about where the anesthesist was for drugs.. Then they lied about how much I'd torn.. Now I understand why, because I was scared of tearing so they played it down. But reading my notes it was a bigger tear..
He went to do some shopping but kept phoning seeing if all OK.
Went to get some bits and bumped into a friend who kept him talking.. Got home and scooped baby up apologising for being longer than thought

Baby has a bit of colic = changed bottles etc etc to help. But he gets so upset when she's in pain

He is worried about going back to work after paternity

We always said we would have 2*children together but he's freaking about another birth experience being the same..

He has a daughter already who stays EOWeekend.
His mum thinks it's because when his dd was born his ex kind of kept baby to herself and turned into a different person so maybe he feels scared of that? Obviously he's hurt and I've told him that it's not like that now.. That we are both parents.. Not just one or the other.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation.
He's generally quite a softie.. Not depressed or anything. Just wondered if this was a common thing?

OP posts:
Backingvocals · 17/03/2018 10:14

Yorick I know what you are getting at. All the talk of birth plans etc and getting the birth you want and yet for many people including OP, or at least her DP, it’s a horrific experience regardless of what you planned.

Of course having a plan is fine but it’s also important to know the plan may end up as a total irrelevance as drs try to save two lives.

You can certainly use fetishisation non sexually and that’s how Yorick was using it.

As for the OP I agree with pp that DP may need to speak to someone about this. PTSD could be a possibility as well as just plain old shock and distress. Hope you are both ok Flowers

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 10:16

Indeed - but that’s not what LBD was referring to in the first instance.

When a poster then said Yorick hadn’t meant it in the sexual sense, LBD replied that the word has sexual connotations nonetheless, which is true.

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 10:17

That was to MrsSkeletor* ^

Hippee · 17/03/2018 10:19

I had a long and difficult first birth and DH said he would never put me through it again - we now have three children - hopefully for your DH the memory will fade too and he'll just begin to enjoy the baby more.

Confusedbeetle · 17/03/2018 10:25

This is a perfectly understandable reaction. Our society tells men they should be strong and supportive and also caring. The poor man was in a position of seeing you suffer and being helpless. Not a good place.

WeeCheekyBird · 17/03/2018 10:25

My husband was traumatised by me having to have a emcs and because I was very ill from blood loss and complications from pre enclampsia so we won't be having another!

He's calmed down a bit now, 9 months on but has a special bond with dd as he was first to hold her and had her for 45 mins after she was born while they were working on me.

He actually gave up his job to start his own business from home because he couldnt handle being away from us both. Its actually worked out really well.

On a funny side note...it turns out he was freaking out cause he thought they were holding my organs but it was the placenta. He's a bit of a muppet and got over it faster when o pointed out that no...they don't disembowel you to deliver a baby...😂

Cbeebiessavesmyafternoon · 17/03/2018 10:33

My DH suffered emotionally after the birth of our first, and only baby. After a long induction ended up in theatre with forceps and a massive haemorrhage. He honestly thought I was bleeding to death. A debrief with a consultant midwife at the hospital after about 8/9 months and just time passing has helped massively.

There is a charity for dad's suffering from birth trauma.

boboismylove · 17/03/2018 10:40

My baby's dad cried when they thought I might need C section, and he's absolutely not the type.

I was very depressed in pregnancy but as soon as I had my DS I was fine. But my baby's dad was incredibly anxious, irritable, paranoid about DS's health, rushing him back to hospital every few days, having a go at me about I washed/ changed him, very over protective. He worried DS wasn't feeding enough and would give him extra bottles although he was breastfeeding very well on demand. He was also very worried about going back to work, and wanted us to spend a lot of time with his family. It was very difficult - looking back and at these posts seems he might have had some kind of PND.

Hopefully your DP feels better Flowers

boboismylove · 17/03/2018 10:44

also @Poor

My baby's dad wasn't actually in the delivery room - it wasn't allowed. But he still seemed quite affected by the whole thing

Backingvocals · 17/03/2018 11:44

Laughing at cheekybird’s story. Hope DH is ok now and you too Smile

WeeCheekyBird · 17/03/2018 14:52

He settled a bit after a quick biology lesson ;)

Allthewaves · 17/03/2018 14:57

Some men can get ptsd from partners labour. My dh is very resilient but first birth threw him as there was lots of blood loss and then having to be stitched quite a bit. He went and had a long cry with him mum (i later found out) as he was terrified he I was going to die and he could not do anything.

PoorYorick · 17/03/2018 20:13

How can people NOT go to the busiest/ vagina part of the birth !!! That’s the exciting bit surely ?

It's the bit you're likely to poo out of. Quite apart from that, some women, like me, want the partner there as a support, not as a spectator wanting the 'best view'.

I am absolutely not saying that people should not be allowed at either end or anywhere. I am saying that where they go, or if they're there at all, should depend entirely on what the mother would find most comforting.

In other words, I do not give a shit about birth partners who want to 'share the experience' or 'watch the miracle' and I wish nobody else did either. The only thing I care about is what's going to be best for the woman who is actually going through the experience, which is often utterly horrific. (If you had a truly positive birth experience, that is great. I am very jealous.)

Unfortunately, in the (non sexual) fetishisation of childbirth, what the mother wants is often dismissed. To the point where people will shout more vociferously about the birth partner's 'rights' than the patient's, and deny that the mother even is a patient to this end.

I distanced myself from it early enough, but I know a lot of women whose traumatic births were compounded by a feeling of having 'failed' or 'missed out' because of the ridiculous ideas of labour that are literally forced upon expectant mothers, or feeling pressured by partners to allow things they really did not want.

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 17/03/2018 20:25

My husband phoned my sister in complete hysterics when they whisked me off for emcs. He has never wanted to discuss that night ever.

Bluetrews25 · 18/03/2018 08:58

Ah OP I think you have a very caring and thoughtful DH, who has drawn the conclusion that none of this would have happened without his sperm. Ultimately, it feels like his 'fault' and his 'responsibility'. He got you in that situation. And he wants to do his bit to pitch in and not leave it all to you. He cares very much for both of you.
Encourage him to talk the birth over with you and his friends and anyone else he needs to, as many times as he needs to. He will settle down.
He's one to keep!

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