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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh’s best friend to be our child’s godfather?

68 replies

JuJu2017 · 16/03/2018 14:29

Our ds is getting christened in June and dh’a best friend was going to be his godfather. The reason I’m not happy about it this though is because he’s seen ds literally twice since he was born four months ago. He and his girlfriend are currently expecting and while I understand that they are probably caught up in getting ready for their new addition and that might be why they aren’t visiting, but I just don’t think he’s shown enough care for my child to be called his godfather. Whenever we talk to him it’s all about his partners pregnancy and what their baby will be like and my baby isn’t even asked about. I’m really happy for them but I feel like I’m getting excited for their baby when they are not even slightly interested in the baby I’ve just had and I don’t want my child to have a godfather who doesn’t know him? When I try to mention my ds in a conversation, I’m just told hypothetical stories about what their baby will be like so there’s just zero interest. I just think with the lack of interest he’s having in my child, he isn’t best suited to being godfather. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable here because I really do feel awful about it.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/03/2018 14:30

If the shit hit the fan would he be there to support you all and your son? That’s the important bit imo not the day to day as much

littlemisscomper · 16/03/2018 14:31

I don't blame you for not wanting him! How does your OH feel? Is there anyone else you have in mind?

WineIsMyMainVice · 16/03/2018 14:33

What does your dh say? Have you mentioned it to him?

GinaLinetti99 · 16/03/2018 14:33

To be honest, I think YABU. As you say, he's caught up in his own life, as is perfectly reasonable and normal. Children are sometimes like farts - you can handle your own, but other's aren't as amusing.

My best friend is my daughter's guardian and she sees her fairly infrequently, because she's busy, as are we. If she ever needed support, my friend would be there like a shot.

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/03/2018 14:35

Once every 2 months is pretty good going to come see a tiny boring baby that can’t even smile??

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/03/2018 14:37

You clearly still see him without the baby. How many men do you know interested in a 4 month old that is not their own?

He may be more involved when the baby is older and can interact and play.

ittakes2 · 16/03/2018 14:37

Sorry I think you are over thinking this. I’m one of my friends daughters god mother - I live overseas to them and had met her once or twice when they asked me!! But the point is I adore her mother and I see my god daughter when I visit their country once a year - but I will make sure as she gets older that I become an important person in her life as someone to turn to.
It’s really up to you - who did you have in mind if not him? Also, you are judging him on the last 4 months - if you had said he was a terrible person with bad moral judgement that’s a different story.

TheJoyOfSox · 16/03/2018 14:38

I may get be in the minority but, does it actually matter how much your DH ‘s friend has seen or ever will see of your ds?

If it makes your husband happy, and keeps his bff happy I don’t think it’s worth worrying about, unless you’re deeply religious and are hoping the role of godfather will include spiritual teachings from your dh’s bff.

Add your own choice of godmother and enjoy your day.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/03/2018 14:38

Yabu, babies aren’t that interesting to many people. He’ll probably change as the baby gets older.

It’s all a lottery anyway. You have no idea of the godparents you chose for your tiny baby, whose going to be in their lives 15,20,30 years later. One of our dcs dodpatents has disappeared totally, another was heavily involved when he was young but has shown no interest in him now he’s a teenager.

You just don’t know who will turn out to be a good godparent when they’re appointed.

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 16/03/2018 14:39

he still wants him and he thinks I’m over thinking the role of godfather. He agrees that he hasn’t asked/been to see baby but he just puts it down to him being so excited about his partner being pregnant which I do agree with and understand. I just don’t think he should be my child’s godfather when he isn’t interested him, regardless of the reason why. When I was pregnant I still managed to ask about my friends babies and visit them and be interested in them

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 16/03/2018 14:43

YABU. I would actually think unrelated people making a point to visit a small baby (rather than the parents) a bit odd actually. And my DB’s Godfather couldn’t give two shits about babies, but he’s been a fantastically supportive and interested friend the rest of his life.

QueenofallIsee · 16/03/2018 14:43

I think a lot of people select Godparents on criteria that is wholly different to yours - you are (rightly) looking for someone who will guide and love your child. Lots of people ask people as a way of cementing their own friendships.

Tell your husband, it should be someone that you both want

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 16/03/2018 14:46

I do understand what you’re all saying and that’s why I asked for your opinions. I do think I’m just feeling a bit put out that the conversations we have with them are all about their baby and how proud and excited they are, but my baby doesn’t get a mention at all. I just feel like the care should go both ways, but at the minute I feel like I’m investing more into preparing for their child than they are into even acknowedging my child’s existence. It might be petty and pathetic and I do feel a bit spiteful But it wouldn’t take too much for them to just ask ‘how’s your little one doing?’ When we are talking :/.

OP posts:
Tumblrpigeon · 16/03/2018 14:53

Yabu.
Godfather is just a title really.
He has his own baby to think about

Tumblrpigeon · 16/03/2018 14:57

Doesn’t man pick godfather
Woman pick godmother?

expatinscotland · 16/03/2018 15:02

I think YABU.

summercat · 16/03/2018 15:02

YANBU to not have him if you have doubts. Only seeing your child twice since he was born is pathetic. He obviously isn't interested in him, and the poster who said he is just a 'tiny boring baby' is fucking rude. Hmm

My friend had her DH's best mate and wife for Godparents for their daughter 20 years ago, even though SHE was pissed off about it, and never liked the fella (as he had made a few sly passes at her!) and she had nothing in common with the wife at all.

6 months after the Christening, something bad happened between the 2 couples, that had huge repercussions and involved the police, and they were stuck with this bloody couple as Godparents on all the paperwork and Christening photos etc. They cannot undo it.

So if you have ANY doubts. Say no.

Astrabees · 16/03/2018 15:08

There are two of my mother's friends who can't actually remember which of them is my godmother, my mother isn't quite sure either! We are all agreed that one of my mother's sisters is one but whether the other is the family friend I was named after or my mother's friend who introduced her to my father is lost in the mists of time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2018 15:12

YANBU. I'd feel exactly the same as you.

But you never know how things will pan out. All my god parents started out engaged and involved and have gradually fallen by the wayside for various reasons. One in spectacular style when she wrote me a letter in my early teens telling me how appalling my parents were for splitting up and how she'd be the one to help guide me as my role models had failed me. Cheeky cow. She was quite religious and incredibly anti-divorce. Which didn't help her one bit when her husband left her and she ended up there as well. We haven't spoken in many years!

So you never know, he might step up, especially once his own baby's here and he's in that frame of mind - remembering birthdays and giving age appropriate presents etc - or it'll be a disaster! But he's been friends with your DH for a while by the sounds of things and that means something.

greendale17 · 16/03/2018 15:12

YABVU

Whenever we talk to him it’s all about his partners pregnancy and what their baby will be like and my baby isn’t even asked about.

^OP you really are being ridiculous.

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 16/03/2018 15:14

I’m sorry, how is that ridiculous? He’s talking to me about his pregnancy, which is lovely, and asking for my hand me downs, but he doesn’t think to ask how my child is? There must be something wrong with me because I always thought friendships worked both ways and the care was from both sides, not one.

OP posts:
Batmanwearspants · 16/03/2018 15:15

I don't know many men who care about other peoples newborns, especially men who have their own on the way.

greendale17 · 16/03/2018 15:16

Well then I suggest you choose Godparents who won’t ever have any children of their own so then they are 100% focused on your child.

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 16/03/2018 15:20

I’m really not asking for someone to be 100% focussed on my child and I don’t see how you have formed that conclusion from my comments. All I’m saying is that in my mind, a godparent is bothered about the child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him being more interested in his child than in mind - it wouldn’t make sense for it to be anything other! My point was merely that as a godfather, you’d think there’d be some interest.

OP posts:
NoWayNoHow · 16/03/2018 15:28

Whether YABU or not depends on what it means for you for someone to be a godparent.

I had 3 - nasty narcissist aunt, juvenile delinquent male relative and slightly barmy parents' friend. I only ever saw my aunt, and when it came down to what would happen to me if my parents died, their BFs were legal guardians anyway so my DSis and I wouldn't have to live with crazy

Are you wanting this guy to raise your child if you die? Or is this just a nominal nod to him for being a good friend of DH? If the latter, then just chill out a bit. If the former, then maybe another conversation with DH needs to be had.