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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh’s best friend to be our child’s godfather?

68 replies

JuJu2017 · 16/03/2018 14:29

Our ds is getting christened in June and dh’a best friend was going to be his godfather. The reason I’m not happy about it this though is because he’s seen ds literally twice since he was born four months ago. He and his girlfriend are currently expecting and while I understand that they are probably caught up in getting ready for their new addition and that might be why they aren’t visiting, but I just don’t think he’s shown enough care for my child to be called his godfather. Whenever we talk to him it’s all about his partners pregnancy and what their baby will be like and my baby isn’t even asked about. I’m really happy for them but I feel like I’m getting excited for their baby when they are not even slightly interested in the baby I’ve just had and I don’t want my child to have a godfather who doesn’t know him? When I try to mention my ds in a conversation, I’m just told hypothetical stories about what their baby will be like so there’s just zero interest. I just think with the lack of interest he’s having in my child, he isn’t best suited to being godfather. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable here because I really do feel awful about it.

OP posts:
urakidurasquid · 16/03/2018 15:37

Then ask whoever you know that's shown sufficient interest in your baby?

NotAgainYoda · 16/03/2018 15:40

I think it's pretty hypocritical of your DH to ask someone to be a Godparent and then say you are 'overthinking' the role. It's a really important religious responsibility and if you don't agree with that then don't get your child Christened

I speak as an atheist

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 16/03/2018 15:40

I’m not religious, but I do believe that a godparent should be someone who cares for the child and wants to be there for them. I don’t think a godparent should just be the mums/dads friend or whatever. I don’t think that this friend cares for my child at all. I’m not asking for him to be thought of as highly as friends child as some people have tried to suggest - that’s ridiculous. But friend will literally sit in the same room as my child and it mention his existence. He was in his Moses basket on the last visit sleeping and friend looked in and said ‘could we have that when you don’t need it?’, and that was it. At the end of the day though, I suppose it’s up to dh as I’ve chosen the godmother, and maybe I think too deeply about the godparent role.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/03/2018 15:42

What do you want him to say when he looks in? You do seem to be expecting a lot!

As I asked earlier if the shit hits the fan would he be there for you? That’s the key not whether he will coo over a baby to “acceptable” levels

NotAgainYoda · 16/03/2018 15:42

If you aren't religious, why are you getting the child christened?

The words of the Christening ceremony should be taken seriously, IMO

thecatsthecats · 16/03/2018 15:42

I get what you mean. My fiance picked his best man after a bit of shameless egging from me for him to have two best men, including his other lovely friend. He has gone for his friend from childhood.

My bridesmaids have been full of offers of help and support, even though my sister will be heavily pregnant. The 'best' man - just about making demands for his children and rooms at the venue, and talking about organising a big stag that sounds nothing like what my fiance would like (the other guy and him have a lot more in common and would do something along those lines), and is all about showing off his own choices (which I doubt he'll come through with anyway, because he's a grade A bullshitter).

But I can handle that. It's my fiance's choice, and those things only affect him. I absolutely could not stomach him as a godparent to my children though.

NotAgainYoda · 16/03/2018 15:44

... as to him not being interested in the child. I agree that would be nice. But if he's not, then how interested in your family is he? Is he a friend to all of you?

That would be my criterion

Needsomezzzz · 16/03/2018 15:46

Does he know he's Godfather? If he doesn't then maybe when he does know he will step up.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/03/2018 15:47

Apart from him not taking much interest in DS what's he like as a person? Is he a good friend? Honest and decent? Because these are the qualities that I'd be wanting tbh.

Cockmagic · 16/03/2018 15:48

You're not religious but getting the child christened?

Do you realise how moronic that sounds?

Sounds like you're raising a little snowflake, expecting everyone to talk around him. He's a baby, a small one at that. They're being at that age he can't exactly take him for a kcik about to earn the title of best godfather can he?

Cockmagic · 16/03/2018 15:49

Argh typos.

Boring at that age!

NotAgainYoda · 16/03/2018 15:49

The Godparents' promises

Yes, I know I'm banging on about it Grin

Piffle11 · 16/03/2018 15:57

I think it depends what you're looking for in a Godparent: if you actually want spiritual guidance, a guardian should anything happen to you and your DH ... well, would this friend step up? Or is it the case that your DH wants his best friend to be GP simply because they are BF? Is the Christening just an occasion for you, or does it hold real meaning? I was (am) GP to my oldest friend's DC: I lived 400 miles away so although I heard about them, I only saw them a couple of times a year. I never forgot their birthdays, always bought gifts at Christmas and other occasions, but I wasn't exactly hands-on. How would you feel if your DH decided against one of your GP choices - would you be willing to compromise? Even though I cared about my Godchildren, I must admit that I wasn't overly invested in them.

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/03/2018 15:58

Being a godparent is a religious/ spiritual role.Why are you getting your child baptised if you are not a Christian? If DFriend a religious man?
What role do you and your husband expect the godparent to fulfill?
I don't really understand your requirement for him to find your tiny baby interesting. It's highly unlikely that the baby is interesting but of course they will become more so as they grow up.
My godparents were family members whom I barely ever saw as a child but they loved my parents and were dutiful catholics.i don't think I ever had a present or treat from either of them but If I had ever needed them they would have been there for me in a flash.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2018 16:35

I’m not religious then why the fuck are you having a christening?

PaperdollCartoon · 16/03/2018 16:41

Why are you having a christening if you’re not religious? It’s to welcome the baby into the church, and the parents and godparents vow to spiritually guide the child and pray for them. That vow makes someone the godparent. If you don’t believe this what’s the point?

If it’s one of those ‘oh we’re just calling this person godfather/godmother but we’re not actually having a christening’ that’s almost even more annoying.

KERALA1 · 16/03/2018 16:51

If you're not religious it's all pointless anyway. I don't know anyone who wasn't really devout that had a christening.

CalmConfident · 16/03/2018 17:01

I do not believe in god, but really respect those that do.

I read the vows / promises and could do not honour them for my Christian sister and in later years my believing best friend. So other people became Godparents.

However, we agreed I have status of “Extra Special Auntie” instead :) I would still walk over hot coals to support my niece, and BF DS not matter what

isthismummy · 16/03/2018 17:08

Only on MN would you be told it's unimportant that the future godfather of your child never asks about them.

Yanbu op. I'd find someone else who is actually interested in your dc.

isthismummy · 16/03/2018 17:10

Although hang on a minute...why the fuck are you having a christening if you're not religiousHmm

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2018 17:11

I’m not religious

Well it's a load of bollocks then, isn't it?

I guessed you weren't religious anyway, as nothing you've said even mentions the real role of a godfather.

LetsGoBitches · 16/03/2018 17:13

You know you can have more than one god father don’t you?

Have someone you care about as well, and have two or more godmothers also.

In fact my church lets parents have fifteen godparents.

Notonthestairs · 16/03/2018 17:25

I think you feel a bit over shadowed. Not saying that feeling isn't valid but I think it is colouring your view.

Who is you want to be godfather?

Can't even be bothered to comment on the fact that you are going to the song and dance (not to say expense) of having a Christening despite not being religious. I suppose the Church has to be grateful for anyone voluntarily passing through its door these days.

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 16/03/2018 17:32

I don’t know if I’ve not been clear enough but I think a lot of you are over thinking what I’m looking for. I don’t want him to be round every day doing our job for us. I just want him to ask how he is. Literally in a conversation just say ‘so how’s little one?’. I really don’t think that’s a lot to ask, but a lot of you seem to think I’m asking too much? My point is simply that there is nothing from him, and he does know he is godfather. This friend regularly drops my dh. When he splits up with a girlfriend he practically lives with us, then he’s off again when he finds a new one and doesn’t speak to us for months on end. This isn’t the first time we’ve just been left hey the wayside, it’s happened quite a lot. One minute he needs us and dh pulls out all the stops to help, the next he’s nowhere to be found, but dh forgives him every time. I’m not religious in that I don’t regularly go to church. Obviously I’m a Christian otherwise I wouldn’t want my child to be christened.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 16/03/2018 17:35

So who do you have in mind for the job?

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