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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been played?!

71 replies

EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:26

Couple of weeks into seeing someone, I told him I wasn’t ready for sex (and wanted to get to know him better) and he has pulled away a bit. Less responsive to texts and has said he will get back to me re. the next time we see each other (in fairness, he is out of the country for work).

Prior to this, he was super interested and took me out, planned things, really seemed to be invested in things.

Is it (a) wounded male pride or (b) he was only after sex?! And if he does contact me again - how do I respond...?

OP posts:
Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 10:13

Yes I felt like I had knocked him back. I left it a few days before messaging but have since asked questions/engaged with him and obviously invited him for a drink. I don’t really know how else I could have shown I was interested or what more I could have done!

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 15/03/2018 10:14

OP with all due respect,you have only been seeing this man for two weeks.
Think you should back off a little as you may be coming across as too keen ?
Wait and see if he contacts you on his return then,see how you feel and go from there.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 10:16

Appreciate that - in all fairness I don’t think I have been keen at all really, apart from the recent messages. I have played it quite cool and then, as I say, left it before messaging - at least he knows how I feel about things I guess. I will obviously wait and see

OP posts:
SmashedMug · 15/03/2018 10:17

I don't think she's the only one who's coming across as too keen. He's doing all the love bombing little future mentions and it's only been two weeks? That's weird.

Cuppaoftea · 15/03/2018 10:18

Sounds like the conversation you had at his killed the spontaneity. All rather awkward, I would have broached not staying over before going round for a drink.

To his credit it does sound like he didn't pressure you at all and was respectful, to me the tone of his replies since suggest he's decided to move on though. I'd forget him and do the same.

QuietWalking · 15/03/2018 10:20

He may well have been more interested in sex. That doesn't make him a bad person

If he wants to use someone for his penis, he should get a prostitute.

LoniceraJaponica · 15/03/2018 10:24

"Have you not heard of Whats app or Viber?"

TBH I have never heard of Viber. Off to google. Back. I don't think I know anyone who uses Viber, and not many who use WhatsApp

ThoraCentisis · 15/03/2018 10:27

Sounds more like you are playing him, or at least playing games with him.
You've known him like 3 minutes and he hasn't done anything wrong at all. What is all the stressing about?

PrettyLittIeThing · 15/03/2018 10:29

This has definitely been posted before.

demirose87 · 15/03/2018 10:30

Forget about him, he's lost interest and it could be for any number of reasons.
There's nothing wrong with him wanting sex in early days, as long as the woman he meets also wants the same thing. He probably has already started looking for someone who wants the same as him. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just means you're looking for different things and he's not right for you.

If the reason he has cooled off is because you don't want sex yet, then he wasn't right for you because you want more from a relationship and you are not compatible.

bgmama · 15/03/2018 10:37

prettylittlething Yes it has
I will give the guy a week or so (ball in his court) and then sack off if I don’t hear anything so we should expect another thread next week asking MN what to do about the guy's lack of response

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 10:40

Fair enough thanks all.

So how should I have broached it then?! Since many of you seem to be saying I handled it badly

OP posts:
montenotte · 15/03/2018 10:58

i would have done the same, can't see what you did wrong.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/03/2018 11:04

It's very eaasy to hit it off wonderfully at first, then find someone else you like even more, so back off from the previous date. this is not wrong, or bad. No one is entitled to anything, least of all when you have only known each other a few weeks. And if you get the vibe that the other person is actually a bit desperate, then ghosting is the most efficient way to get rid, though you might try a gentle cooling off in case that works.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 11:07

Thanks but I’m not desperate Hmm He was driving it all, I may overthinking on here but I haven’t done anything wrong with him, short of messaging him four days after our last date! I really don’t think there’s much wrong with that.

OP posts:
Inthedeepdarkwinter · 15/03/2018 11:26

You haven't done anything wrong at all. If it is meant to work out, then these little hiccups and slight wrongfooteness (e.g. who calls who) just all get resolved easily as you both just work through them.

That's what everyone is saying- it should be easy, or relatively easy anyway.

The fact this isn't for suggests this isn't the right guy for you- and if you have convinced yourself that it is, even though you have only known him two weeks and don't know how reliable/consistent/how he handle stress/exes/problems/his parents are, then this is you building a fantasy around who you think he is, not the real actual him (who isn't that fussed at the moment).

Just leave it now, and don't be different in the future, just be yourself and then someone who likes you and the way you do things will find you out. You've let him know you'd like to go for a drink again, there's nothing more you can or should be doing.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 15/03/2018 11:29

And, get a copy of 'He's just not that into you'. It says in there that every moment you are obsessing over a probably unavailable or just not that into you guy, is a moment you aren't getting out there and having fun in your life with your friends or meeting someone more available and who is really into you. This thread is proof this is true- now it's time to enjoy life, and if he calls again and seems keen, re-evaluate. I suspect he won't as I do agree it all sounds a bit dismissive, but no need to make decisions either way.

Sparklesocks · 15/03/2018 11:49

You haven't done anything wrong, but it sounds like he's pulling away. It happens! Especially only a few weeks in, people change their minds or feel it isn't for them, or meet someone else.
The bottom line though is if a man is keen, he will show it. There is no point focusing energy and effort on someone who isn't keen..

honeyroar · 15/03/2018 14:07

You couldn't have approached it any better, you sound like you've taken it slowly and honestly. He just sounds like one of those daters that rushes in too quickly, creates too much of a feeling of a relationship/future before they actually know the person and then suddenly gets cold feet and backs off when reality catches up with them. I'd just back off and see whether his behaviour balances off. If he does come back with suggestions and interest I'd give him another chance, but if he continues hot and cold I'd not bother anymore.

BoobleMcB · 15/03/2018 14:30

Other than, as a pp said, broached the fact you weren't planning 9n staying over before you went round. I think that would have been better.

Saying something like: yeah sure, I'd love to come over. I won't be staying though as I have stuff to do or whatever/don't fancy it/it's too soon. Still looking forward to seeing you though

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