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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been played?!

71 replies

EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:26

Couple of weeks into seeing someone, I told him I wasn’t ready for sex (and wanted to get to know him better) and he has pulled away a bit. Less responsive to texts and has said he will get back to me re. the next time we see each other (in fairness, he is out of the country for work).

Prior to this, he was super interested and took me out, planned things, really seemed to be invested in things.

Is it (a) wounded male pride or (b) he was only after sex?! And if he does contact me again - how do I respond...?

OP posts:
Inthedeepdarkwinter · 15/03/2018 09:05

I think you have posted about this before, or it is a very similar situation.

There's no 'serious' in two or three dates, and there's no commitment implied when people say things like 'we could do that together'. It's not a definite, they are just trying out how being with you might be.

The key thing, which is fundamental to good relationships, is that the other person is into you. That's not enough of course, but if you don't have that, you don't have anything.

You can't compare 'before' and 'after' as you've been out a few times!!!

I think you need to get the book 'he's just not that into you' and read it- and if he is into you, I'm sure he'll move the whole thing forward, given how keen you are- but perhaps if you can try not to fixate on it and go out with female friends/other dates as this really isn't a sure thing.

Speakingmymind · 15/03/2018 09:08

A number of years ago my BIL and I were discussing dating. He never went past a third date if the woman wouldn't have sex with him. I told him that was nuts, his logic was that if she didn't want to have sex with him on the third date, she clearly didn't like him!

Odd point of view to me but he is not the only man I have heard this from.

DextroDependant · 15/03/2018 09:09

I will be honest, if I was dating someone and they said they didn't want to get physical for a while it would put me off.

Not because I think they are wrong to feel like that but because our attitudes are very different and I would see that as a possible problem.

Sex for me is not a big deal, I enjoy it and I wouldn't want to get attached to someone that I then wasnt sexually compatible with.

My friend on the other hand won't have sex until she knows she likes the guy a lot and wouldn't enjoy it until there was some kind of emotional connection.

Neither view is wrong but we are more suited to people on our own wavelength.

However he Should be upfront if that is the case.

Mrsmadevans · 15/03/2018 09:10

You haven't been played but it seems obvious he wanted sex. Whether it was all he wanted who knows but the fact he has backed off suggests it. If you didn't want sex with him then perhaps your gut was telling you this. Plenty mor efish ...etc etc ... I don't know why you are still so interested tbh he sounds a jerk.

TheSnowFairy · 15/03/2018 09:12

All this in a couple of weeks? Confused

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 09:21

Yeah, literally two weeks

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercheese · 15/03/2018 09:23

He was just saying very regular stuff like cooking and being hungover together.

Are you deep down looking to settle down or just dating for fun and to see what happens?

I see nothing wrong with either attitude they just don't match as such.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 09:26

Completely dating for fun but looking to see someone and see where it goes really - definitely need an emotional connection though to have sex and not in a place where I want no strings attached sex...

If I’m honest, I would ideally like to meet someone to have something more serious with too (not marry/settle down, but have a relationship with)

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Purplerain101 · 15/03/2018 09:27

I also wouldn’t want to end up getting attached to someone who I might not be sexually compatible with. It happened before when I didn’t have sex with my ex for 3 months because we met online and he was abroad at the time working away. We spoke all the time and felt like we were falling madly in love. When we did eventually have sex it was the worst sex I’ve ever had and it ruined that romantic bubble i’d created. Sex isn’t the be all and end all but it’s very important for a lot of people in judging how connected they feel to the other person. You are perfectly entitled to not want to have sex until you know him a lot better, but he is also entitled to want to move on if that’s not right for him. 2 weeks is nothing.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 09:27

Yeah exactly, very regular stuff, but I don’t think you would say that if you couldn’t at least visualise seeing someone several times. I’d like to take it slow and see him again/get to know him more

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Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 09:28

Exactly, 2 weeks is nothing! Hence I’m a bit shocked why it seems to be such a dealbreaker for him - I said “soon” but that I just wasn’t ready after only a couple of dates, much as I wanted to

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ToffeeUp · 15/03/2018 09:28

All this in 2 weeks!? You should be having fun not all this angst.
Move on.

honeyroar · 15/03/2018 09:33

On the flip side, I work away regularly and change time zones frequently. I still manage to reply to texts, even if sometimes a few hours later.

x2boys · 15/03/2018 09:34

If you don't want sex. After two weeks its fine you should have sex with somone whenever you feel ready it doesn't seem like you are on the same wavelength ?

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 09:35

It’s not that he hasn’t replied, it’s that he’s cooled off. I asked him if he fancied a drink and he said he’d “let me know” as he was still away. Just a massive change from him double-texting, locking down dates and taking the lead re. trying to see me

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Purplerain101 · 15/03/2018 09:42

I think you’re making massive assumptions. He’s away working and you have asked if he’s free for a drink. He’s said he’ll let you know as he’s still away. I would read that as him saying he can’t make any finalised plans until he’s home as he’s not sure of his schedule yet. If that’s all that you’re basing all these concerns on then I think you need to try and relax a bit. Maybe don’t contact him at all for a couple of days and see if he gets in touch himself. This all sounds like very hard work for 2 weeks of knowing someone though.

BoobleMcB · 15/03/2018 09:42

What was the context of you saying you weren't ready for sex yet? Like did you just come out with it, was he pushing for it or what? That could be important

montenotte · 15/03/2018 09:45

read the book a PP recommended "he's just not that into you"

i'd move on from this guy. pushing for sex after a couple of dates/2 weeks, no thanks.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 09:46

The context was he invited me over (he lives about an hour from me but near to my work) as we had gone for food somewhere local to him. I knew I wasn’t going to stay over but we hadn’t broached it yet. We had a drink at his house and he obviously thought I was staying - I gently said that I hadn’t wanted to presume anything so hadn’t brought overnight stuff/couldn’t stay (work in the morning) plus I didn’t want to rush things but that it would happen “soon”. He seemed embarrassed for assuming!

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montenotte · 15/03/2018 09:46

when you meet "the one" you'll realise this bit of the relationship, the beginning, should be exciting it definitely shouldn't be hard work.
i don't mean that to sound patronising...

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 09:47

Yes, he is away working but he knows when he’s back! I do appreciate that if he really wanted to see me, he would make it happen

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/03/2018 09:49

You make me look laid back and that takes a lot of doing!

TWO WEEKS

Seriously, simmer down.

When people say things like ‘IF we’re ever hung over together...’ they mean IF. If they talk about you showing them things, the IF WE ARE STILL TOGETHER is implied. It’s not that they’re planning a future together,

You NEED to take a step back, you want A relationship, not necessarily THIS relationship.

userabcname · 15/03/2018 09:49

Two weeks in should be easy. He should be messaging all the time, you should be feeling excited and happy. Honestly, I had a string of non-starters in my early 20s - guys who seemed so keen then suddenly backed off; guys who only wanted sex/ fwb; guys who ghosted....met DH and it was all so easy. He liked me, I liked him. No game-playing. Saw each other loads, constant texts / calls, he asked me to be his exclusive gf at about the 3 week mark and we have never looked back. I mean, give this guy the benefit of the doubt if he's abroad or whatever but if he carries on like this when he is back then sack it off. Sounds like far too much hard work.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 10:06

Thanks, some very sensible advice. I really was starting to like him though - I guess you live and you learn - for the first ten days, we saw each other a few times, lots of contact, all really lovely and had huge amounts in common. It felt easy and great. I will give the guy a week or so (ball in his court) and then sack off if I don’t hear anything

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Intheblackhole · 15/03/2018 10:09

I think you knocked him back a bit , how he responds to that reflects who he is as a person. If he's mature he will take it in his stride, but if he is defensive , easily put off and proud he may just move on. It sounds a little awkward.

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