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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been played?!

71 replies

EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:26

Couple of weeks into seeing someone, I told him I wasn’t ready for sex (and wanted to get to know him better) and he has pulled away a bit. Less responsive to texts and has said he will get back to me re. the next time we see each other (in fairness, he is out of the country for work).

Prior to this, he was super interested and took me out, planned things, really seemed to be invested in things.

Is it (a) wounded male pride or (b) he was only after sex?! And if he does contact me again - how do I respond...?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/03/2018 08:30

You haven't been played... he hasn't done something and then blanked you.

You've just got different expectations.

You said "I'm not ready for sex yet"
He may have heard "I like you but just as a friend"

Or maybe he is looking for a sexual relationship, not happy ever after.

But he hasn't 'played' you!

ShatnersWig · 15/03/2018 08:30

Don't see an AIBU there, but....

No idea, we don't know the bloke. Could be a). Could be b). Could be c) got personal family stuff going on. Could be d) got work stuff going on (seeing as he is out of the country for work).

Why don't you ask HIM? You might get a more accurate answer than from us.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:31

Thanks, that’s good to know. If he does message, how do I respond? Unsure how to take it

OP posts:
Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:32

He was heavily implying he saw some kind of future together though (nothing serious, just us hanging out and having shared experiences) - so didn’t ever imply he was after something v casual

OP posts:
TIRFandProud · 15/03/2018 08:33

in fairness, he is out of the country for work

in fairness, he is out of the country for work

in fairness, he is out of the country for work

IN FAIRNESS HE IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR WORK

I wonder if there's any reason for him being a bit slower to respond to messages?

Confused
Purplerain101 · 15/03/2018 08:34

You both might just have different expectations. Maybe sex is very important to him in building a connection up with someone and he might think it could be too much hard work if you aren’t going to want anything physical for a while (which you are perfectly entitled to want). If you are getting a strong impression that he is backing away then he isn’t the right person for you

ShatnersWig · 15/03/2018 08:34

Emirates How old are you?

Piffle11 · 15/03/2018 08:35

If he doesn't respond, or does and fobs you off (really busy, etc) then he clearly was looking for a sexual relationship right now. If he responds and still seems interested, then as Shatners said - ask him how he feels about what you said. He is the only one who can clear this up for you - our responses will always be conjecture (I do hope I've used that word correctly!)

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:35

Yes - I understand but he was absolutely locking down dates beforehand. It’s a massively noticeable change and the tone has changed - plus I was the one reaching out, as opposed to usual. He’s a very confident guy and had no trouble putting in the effort before!

OP posts:
Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:36

I’m 24, he’s 30 - why do you ask? I know he’s had a string of LT relationships.

OP posts:
Purplerain101 · 15/03/2018 08:37

I would also just ask him outright (but I’m a very forward person). I’d say something along the lines of “I’ve noticed you have backed off a bit since I mentioned I don’t want anything physical for a while. I’d appreciate your honest opinion if it has put you off”. If he says it has put him off a bit then i’d just move on if I were you

ShatnersWig · 15/03/2018 08:38

It just came across as you were pretty young and perhaps hadn't been dating many guys to have got so "angsty" about this.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:39

I’m in a bit of a rut atm and doubting myself hence the overthinking!!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 15/03/2018 08:39

How do you want to respond? Decide and then do that.

Poshindevon · 15/03/2018 08:40

I will be surprised if your hear from this man again
Working abroad is not an excuse for not staying in contact. Have you not heard of Whats app or Viber?
He obviously had a different idea as to how your relationship would pan out. When he heard "no sex" instead of talking this through. He backed off. Thats not wounded male pride or some just after sex. I see it as someone who was not as invested as you thought and wanted things his way or the highway.

MrsFantastic · 15/03/2018 08:41

You've only been seeing him for two weeks and he's away for work. Even if you end up marrying this man it is VERY early in the relationship. I think you need to chill a bit.

calzone · 15/03/2018 08:42

It depends whereabouts he is though.

He could be in Yemen.
He could be in Spain.
There could be a huge time difference.

ShatnersWig · 15/03/2018 08:43

Look at what you're saying here:

He was heavily implying he saw some kind of future together though (nothing serious, just us hanging out and having shared experiences) - so didn’t ever imply he was after something v casual

Twice in that you use the word IMPLY. I find half the time when Person A thinks Person B is implying something, it's actually Person A making an assumption that isn't actually there.

You say he didn't imply he was after something v casual but immediately prior to that you say he doesn't want something serious, just hanging out. THAT'S CASUAL!! How on earth do you get him implying "some kind of future together"?? The latter is SERIOUS and not CASUAL.

Seriously, you need to get a bit more savvy in the dating world and not be afraid to come right out and ask stuff of guys you are supposedly seeing/dating.

x2boys · 15/03/2018 08:44

People do change their minds when they haven't been seeing somone that long I have been with dh 13 years now but in my single days I had quite a few brief relationships that ended around the six week mark, he might just be not that into you its no reflection on you its just one of those things .

bgmama · 15/03/2018 08:44

Did you post about this guy before? I think I remember something similar

ReanimatedSGB · 15/03/2018 08:48

He may well have been more interested in sex. That doesn't make him a bad person; nor does not being as keen on sex make you a bad person.

It's actually a reasonable approach, if you are someone who likes sex a lot, to politely withdraw from someone who gives the impression that sex with them is some kind of prize you have to earn or a reward for stacking up 'commitment'. A nasty person would have promised you anything and everything until you put out and only run away after that.

Original poster
EmiratesLadybird · 15/03/2018 08:48

Ok I have no idea what he wanted, he did say a lot though about things we should do together and how he hoped we would remember these moments down the line/silly things like “oh well if we’re ever hungover together we should do x”/“when I cook for you”/“you should show me round xyz place”.

OP posts:
x2boys · 15/03/2018 08:54

I met a few men like that who would say all sorts such as we will go away together and then backed off after sex so maybe it's better hes backing off now , also relationships shouldn't be hard work you shouldn't be worrying about when hes going to contact you etc it was only after I met dh i realised this.

Purplerain101 · 15/03/2018 08:54

He could have just changed his mind. When I’ve only been dating someone for 2 weeks I can be massively into them initially and then realise they aren’t quite what I’m looking for after speaking to them a bit more. Dating can be ruthless and you have to grow a thick skin sometimes. I’ve also been on the receiving end where men have made out I’m the best thing since sliced bread, and then suddenly gone cold on me for no apparent reason. When I’ve asked them about it I’ve usually had the responses of “I’ve met someone else” or “I think we’d be better as friends” or “ive decided I want to be single for a bit longer”.
All you can do is ask him and be assertive in the situation. For all we know you could just be reading too much into it and he’s still interested in you but just a bit busy this week

martellandginger · 15/03/2018 09:04

He could have changed his mind. Or if I was being mean about him I'd suggest he's playing a game where he's pretending to cool off so you go to bed with him sooner.

You decide what your boundaries are not based on a moody bloke.

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