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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

55 replies

tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 08:20

It's my anniversary coming up. I have to be away with work, so promised to make it up to my wife the day after. Haven't booked anything yet but have a few options, DW wants to go away. Ex called and asked if I could have DC that weekend on top of regular contact order. Won't tell me why, but that it's essential that she has weekend free to deal with 'something' - told her I couldn't as have plans to be away. She lost it, told me I was disgusting and hung up on me. Minutes later DC called in floods of tears, saying that they would have to miss selection grading because I won't take them and mum can't. Huge tantrum followed, tried to reason/calm down DC - they hung up. Looked at DW's calendar and she has work/or a race every week in the following 6. So to postpone isn't really an option ..... what do it do? I will upset DW by cancelling or upset DC if I can't help out (No family to help)

OP posts:
Nevercallmehun · 14/03/2018 08:23

Talk to your DW. If she's a reasonable person she'll help come to a compromise. I'm not much of an anniversary marker though.

scurryfunge · 14/03/2018 08:23

Could you both book annual leave and go somewhere during the week?

TERFragetteCity · 14/03/2018 08:29

How are you disgusting for planning something on your weekend without your children?

If she's a reasonable person she'll help come to a compromise.

You mean not stick to arrangements because of the ex wife's plans? Yeah why not, who gives a shit about the new wife anyway?

TERFragetteCity · 14/03/2018 08:30

Could you both book annual leave and go somewhere during the week?

Yeah, losing two days leave because of the ex wife's plans. How excellent for the new wife.

Original poster
tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 08:37

No A/L as it's tied up in a big trip later in the year.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 14/03/2018 08:39

Your ex is being unreasonable. Stick to your plans.

scurryfunge · 14/03/2018 08:39

Are you the new wife Terf? Grin

CremeFresh · 14/03/2018 08:40

Your ex wife will have to sort something out, I'm guessing that whatever she has to 'sort out' involves doing something she enjoys (new fella maybe ?) . It's her weekend , her problem to deal with.

Wakeuptortoise · 14/03/2018 08:41

Can you get a relative or good friend to babysit dc while you go out for a nice anniversary meal? Imagine what you would do with dc if you had them full time. Then do something more exciting on a non contact weekend. Whisk the new wife off to Paris for a surprise weekend?

KimmySchmidt1 · 14/03/2018 08:43

It depends what selection Grading is.

Can a friend going to the same thing take them?

ShatnersWig · 14/03/2018 08:46

Wake Why does the new wife have to wait 7 weeks for an anniversary weekend away due to the ex wife arranging something for a weekend when she is supposed to have the kids? The whole reason for arrangements is so that people can plan their lives and their kids activities properly. The OP is not changing any goal posts, the ex is. The ex did the reasonable thing and ASKED if there was any possibility the arrangement could change for this particular weekend (although she refused to say why) and the OP, perfectly reasonably, said it was not possible. The ex wife then behaved unreasonably by having a go and then clearly stirred it up with the kids to get them to try some emotional blackmail. Like hell would I be backing down for her after that. Sorry kids, but your mum has behaved badly, not your dad.

Original poster
tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 08:47

@Wakeuptortoise - this should be a non contact weekend. No family around and DC wants me to take them for morale support ..... don't think my wife will appreciate being moved again !

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 14/03/2018 08:48

It is your ex wife’s responsibility to organise childcare to cover when she has the children, as it is yours when it is your time with them.

chocatoo · 14/03/2018 09:08

Share the problem with your wife and ask her for input. Hopefully she will help you out by agreeing to move the date of the weekend away. You say she has work/race every weekend - does a race take up the whole weekend? - could it be combined with time away?
When she married you she knew you had kids and would have been naive to think that there would never be times when extra contact is needed. Don't do it to accommodate your ex but do it for your child.
Don't forget that your wife also has a relationship with your child - she is unlikely to want them to be disappointed about missing the grading and should be given the option to input into the problem. You are a partnership after all.

InspiredByIntegrity · 14/03/2018 09:12

Depends on if you want to be the one you ex turns to as the other parent or your ex has form for manipulating people/going off in a strop when don't get their own way. Would you normally grab the opportunity to spend extra time with your DC ?

You DW is step-parent to your DC so I would hope a compromise could be reached. No it wouldn't be a couples weekend in the same way but could you still do flowers, meal out, day out in some way that feels romantic? I'm another who actually isn't bothered by big style anniversaries.

diddl · 14/03/2018 09:15

How old is your daughter?

If you don't have her-what will be happening?

Could you just take your daughter to the grading but not have her the whole weekend?

MatildaTheCat · 14/03/2018 09:17

It depends on the ex wife’s reasons and she won’t give them. If she has to go for an urgent health appointment or similar she needs to be open and tell you this. If she wants to attend a hen party then, sorry but no.

Tell her you need more information and she’s completely out of order to blame you for any distress caused to the dc. In future any changes of schedule should be requested as far aheyas possible and, if possible, agreed to by both parties as long as it’s fair.

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/03/2018 09:20

I'd agree that it's not your weekend so your ex should sort but it doesn't hurt to be flexible. (Depends on how much of a pisstaker the ex is!)
Any chance you could do one night with DW and have your DC the other night?

Namechangefailagain · 14/03/2018 09:22

I think it all depends on what your ex had planned. I wouldn't be happy to change plans if the ex just wanted a night out or had a date but would if it was something important that couldn't be changed to another day.

Birdsgottafly · 14/03/2018 09:25

If you've Co-Parented successfully before this then I would assume it's a medical need and the children are put first.

Would your DW not give up a race if she really wants to go away?

If it s medical and there is other treatment needed, would you just not help with that either? Not getting to do what you want I'd part of being a Parent or Stepparent.

CremeFresh · 14/03/2018 09:31

I think the fact that the ex won't say what she's doing , means it's not actually that important .

ShatnersWig · 14/03/2018 09:34

Birds Why on earth would you assume medical????

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/03/2018 11:09

Is it selection grading for the army? If so they should probably make their way themselves...

TERFragetteCity · 14/03/2018 11:20

Are you the new wife Terf?

No just someone who could never plan anything because I had to wait until the ex wife decided when and what they were doing.

DalekDalekDalek · 14/03/2018 11:23

Your ex is being unreasonable but your DC shouldn't suffer because of her. Talk to your DW and see how she feels about it. Could you get someone else (friend or family member) to take DC where ever it is they need to go that weekend?

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