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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

55 replies

tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 08:20

It's my anniversary coming up. I have to be away with work, so promised to make it up to my wife the day after. Haven't booked anything yet but have a few options, DW wants to go away. Ex called and asked if I could have DC that weekend on top of regular contact order. Won't tell me why, but that it's essential that she has weekend free to deal with 'something' - told her I couldn't as have plans to be away. She lost it, told me I was disgusting and hung up on me. Minutes later DC called in floods of tears, saying that they would have to miss selection grading because I won't take them and mum can't. Huge tantrum followed, tried to reason/calm down DC - they hung up. Looked at DW's calendar and she has work/or a race every week in the following 6. So to postpone isn't really an option ..... what do it do? I will upset DW by cancelling or upset DC if I can't help out (No family to help)

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 14/03/2018 11:54

How old is the child?

Actually it doesn't matter. If they are old enough to phone you they are old enough to understand the situation.

Your ex wife needs to come up with an alternative. Not unreasonable that she asked if you could help but you can't so it is her problem to solve.

What if you and ex were still together and you had plans to be away for the weekend. Would she expect you to cancel to accommodate her.

Battenburg1978 · 14/03/2018 11:54

It's not great of your ex (but you will know whether this is a pattern of behaviour or a one off) buy like the pp I don't think the children should suffer (and I say this as a step mum whose plans routinely have to revolve around my partner's ex or DSD's plans and who has never had a weekend away with DP!) Talk to your DW but if the event is really important to your kids, surely you would both want for you to be there for them.

Belindabelle · 14/03/2018 12:01

The mother was happy enough for the father to be excluded from this important event until she needed him to take their daughter.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 14/03/2018 12:30

The ex is being unreasonable, she’s obviously booked something thinking you’ll have them (as you usually would) and now is in the shit as you can’t. If your children are missing grading, it’s because of her.
If it’s medical as someone suggested then it’s different, as those appointments are few and far between and a nightmare to rearrange. You need more info really.

Original poster
tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 12:56

Doubt it's medical - as it's Sat/Sunday. It's a sport team grading. So if DC doesn't get to grading, they automatically go in the lowest grade. (It's not secondary school so not hugely important at this stage) however in DC eyes it is. (Understandably)
I cancelled a weekend away with DW when DC found out we were going away, got terribly upset as they weren't included and basically demanded that I take them to a sport semi final - again not on our contact weekend. So I fear cancelling this one could cause a major issue. DW sent me a link to a deal she found, saying she couldn't wait to have a weekend away with me..... asking should she book it ? (I've not told her about this latest episode yet)

OP posts:
Original poster
tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 12:57

And again no family that can take DC and it's a late afternoon start. So can't really do both and I don't arrive back til the Saturday morning ....

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 14/03/2018 13:00

Your ex likes throwing a spanner in the works when you have things planned with your wife and uses your child to get her way.

Hokay. Time to put a stop to it, or you'll be ruled by her whims forever.

Moonshinewithelvis · 14/03/2018 13:01

Stick your guns it's not your weekend and your children will get over it. Book a weekend with your wife! If I was your wife and this was an often occurrence it maybe the breaking of you, sorry to say that. Stick to your guns, not your weekend, not your problem.

EllieMe · 14/03/2018 13:06

Tell the ex it's her weekend and she has to sort it.

Original poster
tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 13:07

I'm worried about DC, ex has moved again and it's really unsettling them. So I want to drop everything support them. I feel my wife should understand as she is an adult, but she often complains about being sidelined. Feel stuck !

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 14/03/2018 13:07

Hmm well how old is your daughter? Was unfair on your ex to put you in this situation

Idontdowindows · 14/03/2018 13:09

I feel my wife should understand as she is an adult, but she often complains about being sidelined.

Because she is. Your ex is using your children to direct your life and your wife is being sidelined.

Your ex goes "jump" and you say "yes ma'am, how high ma'am please ma'am"

Original poster
tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 13:10

Child is 10. Kinda typical of ex. Moved house without telling me. Moved schools without telling me. Moved in with boyfriend without telling me. And yes tried for custody - was awarded to her.

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 14/03/2018 13:12

It's a tough one,you don't want to upset either of them :)is the grading on Saturday and are you and your wife just planning a night away on Friday

Original poster
tobeworriedabouthis · 14/03/2018 13:16

I land back in the sat morning .... so just the sat night away.

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 14/03/2018 13:19

Tell ex it’s already booked

Is the fact it’s your anniversary a coincidence I wonder

Bexter801 · 14/03/2018 13:23

It's not nice to have to tell your daughter no,but if you cave to your ex's demands,then she'll keep doing it. Not fair on your dd,but this is your ex's fault,not yours. I would go away with your dw(she's not going to keep accepting 'no I can't My ex wants me to.....') I would send your ex a text,saying whatever she has planned,she has to cancel....as its not your weekend and unfair on your dd

babydreamer1 · 14/03/2018 13:27

I can't believe you would consider cancelling an anniversary trip away with your DW to accommodate your EW's plans! Her weekend, her childcare issues! Why can't she cancel? And if she won't, your DC miss out because of her, not you, but they'll just have to deal with it. Your DW would have every right to feel sidelined as she would be.

Trinity66 · 14/03/2018 13:31

I say stick to your plans also, it sounds like your ex has done it on purpose tbh

SilentEm564 · 14/03/2018 13:31

Am I just a cynical person or does anyone else suspect that the ex has planned on this sort of situation to occur, just to deliberately throw a spanner in the works? OP you have to decide for yourself if she's the kind of person to do that, e.g. does she have 'previous'.

Trinity66 · 14/03/2018 13:33

Or as a compromise, do you have anyone who could look after the kids for the night you're away?

Belindabelle · 14/03/2018 13:33

You sound a bit pathetic to be honest.

You let the ex make all the major decisions and then bend over backwards to accommodate her.

There is nothing wrong with putting your wife and your marriage first. I have no problem telling my children "no" every now and then. It does them good to realise that the universe does not revolve around them.

Idontdowindows · 14/03/2018 13:58

@SilentEm564 of course she has. And she's manipulated the child into thinking that it's daddy's fault she can't go to selection.

Oddish · 14/03/2018 14:09

I don’t think you sound pathetic, you sound like a parent who doesn’t want to disappoint their daughter. ExW will continue to use and manipulate your daughter against you until she is old enough to not be (and this doesn’t mean it’ll stop at 18). You can’t allow your life to be dictated in this way, your daughter will be angry at you but only because she is too young to understand. As long as you continue to show her love and good parenting she will get over it. It absolutely sucks that she is being turned against you but you are the only one who can stop this, no one else will.

ShatnersWig · 14/03/2018 14:12

I repeat my earlier comment. Stick to your guns. You aren't actually putting your DC first in these situations, you are merely showing your wife that your ex calls the shots regarding your DC and those are VERY separate things. You need to nip this in the bud NOW or you may end up with a second ex wife. I'm sure your current wife is reasonably understanding but you can't expect her to play second fiddle ALL the time. This is NOT about being a good dad to your DC but about your ex being a poor mother to her DC and you being a poor husband to your wife.

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