Who should pay for this ?

[Everyotherweekend]

DSS might need some extensive dental work done. DH's ex took him to the appointment, called DH after and told him the outcome 4-7k. With the view of I'll send you the stuff let me know what you want to do. (ie how you want to pay for it) We currently pay generous maintenance, school fees and anything extra on top. Everyone works - shared custody. Completely appreciate he needs it done, no issue there. But a bit perplexed as to why it's up to us to find the money. Not for her to use the maintenance or for us to share the cost. AIBU ?

@LolitaLempicka really ?
So my DH and I paying maintenance (more than enough to live on), school fees, holidays, clothing, birthdays, Christmas, clubs/sports, while sharing custody .... isn't supporting his current child ? Your attitude is disgusting.

I don't understand why it's a 'given' that dad should pay for big ticket items when he is already paying maintenance. I thought maintenance was the other parents payment to cover the cost of raising a child.
This amount being agreed by parents/court or cms.

For most familiar, the sort of money being mentioned for what sounds like largely cosmetic dental treatment- is in the realms of fantasy.

If this is the choice of the mother - simply because she can emotionally blackmail the ex husband . (Your father can afford it - I think you need cosmetic dental treatment and he can pay. He won't turn it down because I'll make sure everyone knows he is being tight with his own child's dental needs) then you need to put a stop to it. Right now.
He pays maintenance. He pays school fees. He also has a mother who needs to live within her means and that includes the choices she makes for her child based on her current income.

My ex husband and children's father earns a lot more than we do. He paid maintenance to me.
I wouldn't dream of making a lifestyle decision like this for our children. All 'big ticket' items like school trips etc are considered within my budget that includes the money he pays me to raise our children.
If I cant afford it then children can speak to father who will decide if he can fund it. There is no obligation as he already pays and can only be expected to pay twice if it is appropriate to his budget. As his Cm is already generous.

Agree that OPs DH must have MUG in big letters stamped on his forehead!

DH has the documentation from the dentist, agree a 2nd opinion is best course of action. I'm included in the discussion regarding how to fund it as our money is joint. DH is the biggest earner, then myself. I don't think the ex can afford it right now. I'm glad that waiting a few years is an option. I was worried I was being a wicked step mum. Just really want to give IVF a go and every time we get close, something seems to 'crop up' - selfish I know, but time is against me !

It's not selfish at all. I would prioritise your IVF absolutely. You seem to have an attitude here of you daren't speak up for yourself or say anything that could be construed as negative and you are putting yourself unfairly at the bottom of the pile here. Stand up for yourself! Of course you having IVF which you are paying for yourself is more important than paying for your step son's non urgent orthodontic work which his own mother won't contribute to, but somehow you're supposed to?

You matter an equal amount you know, everything you want is important too.

lolitalempicka the comment about supporting existing children before having any more is a horrible thing to say to someone currently saving for IVF.

You haven't clarified at any point what you mean by shared custody.

@PushMyButton - normally eow, plus over nights through the week. (Anything from 1/3 depending on when DH/ex need with work commitments. Currently had DSS 6 weekends on the trot plus 2/3 nights through the week.

So it can be 50/50? In which case, I'd say all costs should be split 50/50 but there probably shouldn't be any maintainance... Unless I'm missing something.

Although it's all a world away from my situation... Lol

another one for the 50/50 issue.

And I would also be getting a second opinion.

I don't understand why it's a 'given' that dad should pay for big ticket items when he is already paying maintenance. I thought maintenance was the other parents payment to cover the cost of raising a child.

Yeah right! My dad paid £80 per month for 3 kids, that didn't cover the cost of raising one of us, let alone 50% of the cost of all of our care. Many women are left to pay the vast majority of the costs.

I'm really curious to know what the treatment is..

I'm guessing you are in the US, given the numbers involved. My nephews are there and the same treatment as my kids had in France cost 5-10x more to do over there!

I would normally say leave it, but having had preventive treatment done on my dc (who would definitely have needed braces) and being now able to avoid having them in braces as teenagers, I have to say I would do it if it was at all possible.

However, leaving it for a year to give you all a chance to sort the finances is not a problem at this stage. (and if your overseas trip happens to be to Europe, you could get an opinion there which will not be inflated by the US system).

I can't believe people still think the NHS covers all dental treatment for children! My daughters £2k braces were not covered as her poor alignment was 1mm less than what they cover so it's classed as cosmetic. Based on 1mm!

When is the last time any of you have tried to get an out of hours emergency dentist? May surprise you to know most NHS ones have now gone. When my son broke his tooth in half after being kicked playing sports on a Saturday I was told wait for Monday with him in pain or pay privately.

The NHS is falling apart around us and some people are not even noticing!

I'm guessing it's under- or over-bite?
A relative had double jaw surgery in Canada and it cost $15000 some years ago.

I have been delighted with the nhs dental service for dcs. 3 had braces. All free. Because they were needed. That's the point. NHS is free at the point of need. Not at the point if 'want'.

Out of ours clinic equally good. Open every evening via telephone referral.

‘Her reasoning we should pay is that we are a bigger income household. 2 wages, not 1.’

What has your DH suddenly multiplied in two? Because your income doesn’t count! That statement made my blood boil as it’s the sort of thing my DH’s ex would say. She even wanted MY salary taken into account for the maintenance! After calling me a slut.

If things are as they say, pay £2k and nothing more. Straight to the dentist.

No, we have dental plan in US and all it seems to cover is 6mthly cleanings. Definitely no ortho work.

It depends on your plan. Ours covers something like 1500 ortho work for each person during their lifetime. I used it for invislign and for each of the kids. the balance was about 2000 and most dentists take installments.

Is OP in the US?

In any case, for that money, I would want to consult with the dentist myself. Then each parent pays half.

she is taking the piss - split the bill in half