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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children should not be told this at a young age?

103 replies

InkyPunkyGothyPoo · 13/03/2018 19:40

I won’t state the ages of my children just yet for in case I get flamed. And I’m not strong enough to deal with that currently.

So for now I’ll just ask the following question.

At what age do you feel it appropriate to tell a child that a grandparent is dying of cancer?

Bearing in mind this is a grandparent that is seen roughly 6-8 times a year.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
yawning801 · 14/03/2018 07:23

Please tell them, whatever age they are. My parents never told me that my grandmother had cancer and when she died when I was 5 it was a horrible shock.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/03/2018 13:15

Yea, please do. My parents hid such things from me and it was hard to forgive.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 14/03/2018 13:22

THe children do know. I think the OP is more upset over who told them and the way the information was given.

PinkHeart5914 · 14/03/2018 13:23

I think it’s appropriate to tell them at any age, you just do it in an age appropriate way

boredofwaitingagain · 14/03/2018 13:28

My mum is slowly slipping away. I'm spending huge amounts of time with her. I've been very honest with my 9 year old. She deserves to know why I'm a bit stressed out apart from anything else. Likewise my 7 year old was laughing because his grandma wears nappies. I also had to be pretty blunt with him about that, not least because I didn't want him to say anything in front of my mum.

m0therofdragons · 14/03/2018 13:31

Just had that conversation with my dc - 10 and 6. Granny had 24 hours to live... 3 weeks on everyone is confused and she's still alive. I think they would have known something was going on so we went with complete honesty and clear language.

My auntie died of cancer when dd1 was 3.5 and we told her (my cousins were at primary and lost their mum). She took it fine then randomly 6 months later she processed it so be prepared to revisit the conversation but I try to steer more to happy memories.

It's really hard and in a way many children are too sheltered from the reality of life and death. They should be told and be allowed to grieve.

PutDownThatLaptop · 14/03/2018 13:34

I told my DD7 that my DF was dying. She saw him every day and suddenly had to start going to after school care instead when he was very ill. We still visited lots and I promised her that I would tell her when it was about to happen. Weeks passed by and we brought him home to a hospital bed.

Somehow, I didn't tell her it was imminent even when we knew it was a matter of days. I never spelt it out. I still remember the shock when he died and DH told her. She gasped and then cried.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 14/03/2018 13:41

My dad died of lung cancer last week. We have been completely upfront with our 3 year old and he will also be attending the funeral. However my parents lived 2 hours away, we were down regularly when dad was at home and even more so when he was admitted to hospital with an infection three weeks before his death. Ds came to the hospital and we explained as best we could how ill Granddad was.

When the cancer came back shortly before Christmas we explained to ds that granddad had cancer and that was making him ill, stopping him from doing some of the things he had previously done with ds and that whilst we all hoped he would get better, he might not.

However it was a joint decision on the part of me, dh and my parents. I wouldn't have been happy if someone else had taken it on themselves to tell him.

ThoraCentisis · 14/03/2018 13:47

Any age at all. It's not when you tell them, its how you tell them.

DailyMailFail101 · 14/03/2018 14:14

I believe children are naturally unaffected by death unless it’s a main caregiver, I wouldn’t tell a child sombody is going to die, it would cause a lot of wasted emotion an worry for the child. Children are not stupid they realise and rationalise things in their brain. I’d tell a child that the grandparent has died but wouldnt worry or upset a child under 10 beforehand.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2018 14:19

newschmoo Flowers Flowers

I would be very upset at that explanation to a 9yo. Especially one with anxiety issues already. It’s cruel. I hope you find the help your ds needs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2018 14:21

@DailyMailFail101
I hope you don’t have young children and a death in the family. Did you read the sad stories of adults, who are yet to come to terms with not being told a loved one is dying?

Redglitter · 14/03/2018 14:26

My nieces were 2.5 & 5 when my Dad died. They were just told Grandpa had been very poorly and the doctors couldn't make him better & he'd gone to heaven. His illness etc wasn't mentioned in any detail and never has been. They were told in a way they'd understand

I wouldn't tell a child what the cause of a terminal illness/death was especially something like cancer. I'd be worried you never know what's round the corner and they'd assume all cancer was terminal.

Redglitter · 14/03/2018 14:28

I believe children are naturally unaffected by death unless it’s a main caregiver

I think my eldest niece would disagree with that. She absolutely broke her heart when her much loved Grandpa died and took some time to get over it, like the rest of us. She was only little but still had the same massive sense of loss the rest of us had.

crunchymint · 14/03/2018 14:39

My great grandmother died when I was 4. I was told the truth. I don't remember being upset as I don't think I really understood death, just a bit confused.

At 7 my grandfather died. I was not told. I only found out when I asked why we had not seen him for a while. It did upset me that I wasn't told.

slbhill42 · 14/03/2018 14:43

What's the alternative? Wait until the person dies and tell the kids then? How is that better??

OutyMcOutface · 14/03/2018 14:45

Well I mean what can you do? Just lie and pretend that the grandparent didn’t die?

MarklahMarklah · 14/03/2018 14:49

When they're able to understand - so I'd say 4 onwards, using child-appropriate language. I'd avoid euphemisms and explain in simple terms.

Newschmoo Flowers I'm sorry that you have to do this.

TIRFandProud · 14/03/2018 14:50

We had to tell our 4 year old something similar about his best friend.

I think they deserve an appropriate explanation. It must be traumatising to be left in the dark.

Fraying · 14/03/2018 14:54

I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this Flowers
I would have said the age wasn't as relevant as the temperament of the child. I have an 8-yr-old with anxiety. Her gf has a terminal cancer diagnosis but we haven't told her yet. She would be so distressed and anxious, and at the current time, her gf is at home and seems well. When either of those change, then we'll have a conversation with DD.

k2p2k2tog · 14/03/2018 14:55

We had a similar situation when a much-loved member of staff at their preschool fell terminally ill. They obviously asked what was wrong and when she'd be back. The younger one was about 3, the older one about 5 at the time.

We just said that Mrs X was very ill and that sometimes even though doctors tried their very best, they couldn't make her better. And that yes, she would probably die. We had lots of questions about death and dying which we answered in a matter of fact way. I don't think we used the word "cancer" as it would have meant nothing to them.

LilQueenie · 14/03/2018 15:01

my grandfather was terminal and the hospital did worksheet stuff with my sister roughly 5/6 to explain gently what was going to happen.

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 14/03/2018 15:09

I was in my early 20s and not told my Gran had cancer. It affected me very badly when she died as I had always hoped she’d get better.

Saying something, anything in fact, is better than nothing

Coyoacan · 14/03/2018 15:10

Sorry, I don't know if anyone has mentioned this but I think a smaller child has less of a problem with death than a nine-year-old. It seems to be the age when they really start to understand the idea of death and freak out about it.

At that age, my dd started telling me every day before going to school that she loved me, which was nice, except that unfortunately it was in case something happened to me before we met again.

ChaosNeverRains · 14/03/2018 16:25

I’ve been thinking about this and actually there were quite a few deaths in my family when I was younger and naturally I had to be told.

Firstly I had a cousin who died at three months old, we had never met her though as we lived some distance away from my auntie, but she went in for surgery and died on the operating table. Sad I obviously had to be told as we were due to meet said cousin in the not too distant future....

Then I had another cousin who was diagnosed with cancer at the age of three, I would have been about six. He spent months in hospital and naturally the possibility that he might die came up in discussion as it was a real possibility Also, he used to have to go for treatment and scans once a week and sometimes it happened that regular patients weren’t there because they had died. Sad.

I had an ancient great grandmother who just went to sleep one day and never woke up, and a great uncle who essentially drank himself to death and spent weeks and weeks in hospital before ultimately dying.

I think though that one thing we often forget is that many, many children are often seriously or terminally ill and have to deal with the death of those they befriend in hospital etc as well as their own potential death. So while some might feel this information should be kept from children, the truth is that it’s not really possible to do so.