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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children should not be told this at a young age?

103 replies

InkyPunkyGothyPoo · 13/03/2018 19:40

I won’t state the ages of my children just yet for in case I get flamed. And I’m not strong enough to deal with that currently.

So for now I’ll just ask the following question.

At what age do you feel it appropriate to tell a child that a grandparent is dying of cancer?

Bearing in mind this is a grandparent that is seen roughly 6-8 times a year.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
EB123 · 13/03/2018 19:48

Any age. When they are small they tend to accept these things.

Pseudousername · 13/03/2018 19:49

I'm very sorry you are going through this OP.

Personally I think any age is fine to explain about death, old age, loss, fact of life etc.

Going into detail about cancer etc is not something I feel a very young child could understand properly though.

Again, very sorry for your situation.

givemesteel · 13/03/2018 19:49

I'm sorry to hear that the grandparent is terminally ill OP Flowers

To be told they're 'dying of cancer' I would say maybe 10? Maybe 8 or 9 for a mature kid.

To say 'granny / grandad' is very poorly, really any age from toddler upwards.

I think the idea of 'dying' is difficult for a younger child to comprehend, especially as it the illness could go on for months (or longer). Children are black and white, I think it is easier to deal with life (but poorly) or death (and however it is you're choosing to deal with death, heaven, they live on through our memories even though they're not here).

I think it's fair enough to prepare younger children for the fact that nothing, even people, live forever.

Garmadonsmum · 13/03/2018 19:49

I am a bit worried about what my dc might say to their dgm who has cancer. The younger one talks bluntly about death in particular a pet we had who died - I don't want "you're going to die like Rover" or something equally horrendous being said to my lovely mum!

KoshaMangsho · 13/03/2018 19:49

That’s okay. Any age is fine. And matter of fact is also fine. As long as all follow up questions are asked. I had to tell my 5 year old his brother may not live long after birth because I had to be honest with him and prepare him. (He didn’t die in the end). But death is a part of life. Cliched as it may be.

NoAprilFool · 13/03/2018 19:50

When I was18 (!), it was kept from me that my grandad was dying. I’ve never really got over that and will always be honest with my daughter.
OP, it sounds like the problem isn’t the age of the children but the way it was handled Flowers

Justoneme · 13/03/2018 19:50

Okay .... fine don't get a rabbit to teach a child about live ...

Your best bet is looking on line for social stories ...

I think you will be surprised that your child actually knows about cancer.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 13/03/2018 19:50

Depending on age of child I wouldn't necessarily use the words death or cancer I would just explain "granny/grandpa is very poorly"

I think it also depends is they have experienced death before. If they've already lost a grandparent then they are likely to have a better understanding.

JuniLoolaPalooza · 13/03/2018 19:51

That sounds like a very blunt way to tell the children the news. Did they understand what it meant?
My DD is 3.5 and doesn't have a great grasp of time. She also seems to like to try to 'fix' things in her mind so I can imagine that sort of explanation would just lead to days of questioning and perhaps feeling quite disturbed.
It depends on the prognosis but there's no harm in introducing the idea of it gently, far more gently than seems to have been the case for these children, OP.

Original poster
InkyPunkyGothyPoo · 13/03/2018 19:51

Just wanted to say that it wasn’t me that has told them. Eldest child is 9, but is younger emotionally. He also has anxiety and many issues going on.

I will be looking at books around the subject that is age appropriate to try and help the situation.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 13/03/2018 19:51

I think if someone the children love is very close to death then they should be told in a child appropriate way so they can understand why the adults around them are behaving as they are. It’s very confusing for children otherwise to see adults sad and stressed and not understand why.

PodgeBod · 13/03/2018 19:51

My DD who was 3 in February lost her Grandad to cancer at Christmas. I explained to her that he would be going away to Heaven and that she wouldn't see him anymore. She had lost her nan a few weeks before so it was easier for her to understand that they would be together (they were from opposite sides of her family).
Obviously I framed it like that because of our religious beliefs which wouldn't be right for everyone but she did understand as well as she could and has asked a few times about it but doesn't seem very upset or traumatised. She saw them both regularly so I needed to tell her something or she would ask for them.

Aragog · 13/03/2018 19:52

When we went through a similar situation with DD, when she was smaller - around 5/6y - we told her gradually.

First that her great grandma was poorly and had to go into hospital, \then that she was very poorly, and wouldn't be able to come home from hospital, and wouldn't be able to talk with her, etc.
Then that the doctors wouldn't be able to make her better but that they'd look after her and make sure she wasn't hurting in pain.
And then eventually that she had died.

In my experience children are often very capable with dealing with simple, direct facts. Don't use 'gentle' working such as 'passed away/gone to sleep' as children don't understand and it can cause issues where they are scared to sleep, or when other family go away or sleep.

zzzzz · 13/03/2018 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoAmIReally99 · 13/03/2018 19:54

We told ours (5 and 8 at the time) just before their gp died,
We found out in march/april but didnt tell them. we visited often and made sure they had a good time with gp.

Luckily gp stayed looking "well" (well enough that the dc didnt notice she was too ill) we told them gp had a poorly tummy so had to be careful. They saw her 2 weeks before she died in august and it was a good day, both dc had got their reports from school and both had got awards from school so they were proud and gp was proud. She looked well and was talking and getting around.
A few days later she went downhill and nurses said it wouldn't be long. that's when we explained that the doctors said her poorly tummy wouldn't get better, that it was cancer and that she was going to die and we're all going to be sad but we have to think of the happy times we had with gp.
We talked about how much gp loved us, spoke about our memories with her, things she said or did and how proud she was of us all.

Its difficult to know when to tell them. Personally, I dont see any point in telling straight away and having them upset for months/years/etc...but we chose to let them enjoy the time with gp without looking at her thinking "youre going to die", But ultimately you are the only one who can decide when to tell them x x

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/03/2018 19:55

Flowersnewschmoo74

IggyAce · 13/03/2018 19:56

My DS was 4 when DHs grandmother received her terminal diagnosis. We told both DCs that Nannie was poorly and that the doctors were unable to make her better. She died just over a year later. They both took it in their stride and both DCs still talk about her openly and with great fondness.

pallisers · 13/03/2018 19:56

Who told them OP? I would not be happy with anyone other then me or their father talking about something potentially so sensitive to my children - especially when they announced it in such a blunt way.

I think it would be very helpful if you sat down and spoke to your children yourself and explained to them that yes grandparent has an illness called cancer. A lot of times this can be cured but sometimes it cannot. If he can't be made better the doctors will make sure he isn't in pain. etc. I think you need to control the narrative a bit.

Is it your parent who is sick?

Passportto · 13/03/2018 19:57

My Grandad died when I was 10. He lived 150 miles away so we didn't see him every week but went most school holidays. He was and is very important to me.

I was never told he was dying (to this day, I'm only "almost" certain it was cancer). He'd been ill in hospital and when he came home I thought that meant he was getting better. On the last visit we were too late, my parents went off to be with DGM and me and 8yo DSis were left in the care of a great aunt who assumed we already knew he'd passed. Don't let that happen.

I think once school age, you can start explaining the serious nature of the illness and what death means to you.

Original poster
InkyPunkyGothyPoo · 13/03/2018 19:59

It was their father that told them. I have no idea at what stage the grandparent is at with their illness or what they are going through, so it is hard for me to answer certain questions.

My eldest child has coped with this by trying to harm himself.

I am doing all I can to ensure they can talk whenever they want about the situation and trying to console my eldest. My youngest doesn’t really understand what it means.

OP posts:
starlightmeteorite · 13/03/2018 20:00

newshmoo Flowers.

NoqontroI · 13/03/2018 20:01

newshmoo74 Flowers

Tistheseason17 · 13/03/2018 20:02

Children understand more than we think. Be honest and gentle. My DC know that we live, then we die when our bodies are old and tired, but that life is for living to make great memories and enjoy.

MunchMunch · 13/03/2018 20:04

What an awful thing for you to have to do Newschmoo74

I hope you have lots of real life support Sad

Op as other have said, fine from a young age in age appropriate terms. Two of my dc were 8 and 6 when my grandad died of cancer. We told them grandad was very poorly with cancer and that there was no medicine he could take to make him better and that he would eventually die. It wasn't hard but they done well to understand what was going on.

upsideup · 13/03/2018 20:06

Lying does much worse to children than being honest and supporting them. The conversations will only be harder as they get older and havnt been prepared.