To think that children should not be told this at a young age?

[InkyPunkyGothyPoo]

I won’t state the ages of my children just yet for in case I get flamed. And I’m not strong enough to deal with that currently.

So for now I’ll just ask the following question.

At what age do you feel it appropriate to tell a child that a grandparent is dying of cancer?

Bearing in mind this is a grandparent that is seen roughly 6-8 times a year.

Thanks in advance.

That is a very blunt way to tell them, I wouldn’t have been happy about it either. We’ve recently had to tell ours that their DGF was terminal and we spent a while looking up how to tell them and discuss it with them.

Any age is fine. The waterbug and the dragon fly is a good book. Plenty of others out there if you Google. Just explain what they need to know, don't over explain. Be honest and clear and answer any questions. They will probably come back later with new ones. I had to tell my children their father was dying at age 5 and 6. Death is part of life and I don't think it does them any good to try and shield or hide this from them.

Children often pick up that something is wrong, and will invent explanations. I am mid 50s and when I was a kid the prevailing norm was to protect kids by not telling them things. That has been shown to normally make them more anxious.

I'd recommend 'Badger's Parting Gifts' as a brilliant book to explain to young children. Ive read it with my children and it then opens up the possibility to discuss similarities with people they may know etc.

Just seen that he’s trying to harm himself. Have you spoken to his school? They may be able to help him deal with his feelings. Ours has a Nurture Room where they are taken away from the other children if they need some additional emotional support.

Thank you everyone.

Btw I don't think it's a good idea to say someone is poorly or not well. Say it for what it is. Cancer. Otherwise children may become afraid that they might die if they become ill or poorly too. Same as when someone dies, don't ever say they've gone to sleep. Say they've died. Otherwise children will worry that they may fall asleep and die too.

Yes have spoken to school. Also took him to GP who has put in a referral to cahms. He already has play therapy so hopefully that will help.

I have always vowed that I will tell my dd about this kind of stuff, at whatever age it happens. I truly believe that honesty - expressed in an age-appropriate way - is the best policy. Even when it's a really difficult message.

I was not told as a child that my beloved grandmother was dying, merely that she was poorly and in hospital. I was 8, and it did not once even cross my mind that she might die - she had never seemed particularly old or frail. When my mum told me that she had died, I was totally devastated, and I remember feeling utterly betrayed when I realised that the rest of my family had known all along what was going to happen and had chosen not to tell me. I was the only one who did not have any kind of opportunity to say goodbye. I felt so excluded - as if my relationship with my grandmother hadn't been as important - and it really damaged my trust in them.

I have never told my mum how hurt and angry I felt at that time. At the time, she was grieving and I didn't want to hurt her more. However, I did harbour a lot of resentment about it for years.

Now I'm older, I am better able to understand why my mum didn't tell me. She was reeling herself from the horrible news about my grandmother's very aggressive cancer, and hadn't really had the space or time to consider how to prepare me for my grandma's death. And obviously, she was trying her very hardest to protect me from the very painful reality. But it all felt like a lie, and I will never forget how I felt about it at that time. And I have never fully trusted my mum to tell me stuff since.

I would never put my dd through that. I will tell her the truth no matter how hard it might be for her to hear. And she knows that.

I think a short, clear explanation is often best for younger children. I told my two year old when my Grandmother was dying, along with my four, seven and nine year olds.

"Granny is very poorly and will die soon" is what I said to the youngest. Explanation were longer for the bigger ones but started out like that and were led by their questions.

That’s good then Inky. That, along with some of the suggestion she on here should help him through. You sound like a brilliant Mum

Sorry your 9yo is going through this, OP. It is hard.

The problem is that if grandparent is dying, then they will die. If dc know about their existence at all you won't be able to keep it from them.

And you could do a lot of harm by trying.

It's about telling them in the right sensitive way. Which doesn't seem to have happened here. So you have to help as best you can.

But I also think you need to accept that the whole pain of first experiencing death in the family is something you may not be able to take from your dc, because it does hurt, it is horrendous. The best you can do is to be there and help them bear it.

Death is a part of life though.

When I was at school a child died when I was around five. This information filtered quickly around the playground and before long all the children knew that he was dead and what he’d died of.

While I understand the sentiment that children should only ever be told by their parents of a family member’s prognosis, the reality is that once a child goes to school they will be exposed to this kind of information anyway, through other children who lose parents, grandparents, siblings, even other children in their school environment who will die and you just can’t protect them against that.

I would say that a terminal prognosis is more difficult not because of what lies at the end of it, but because of the timescales involved which children find more difficult especially if the child is not near to the situation. Once a child is told someone is going to die they likely expect that to happen iminently, and if it doesn’t then it becomes more confusing.

My ex has a family member who was diagnosed as terminally ill four years ago. DC were told at the time how seriously ill they were (tbh they weren’t expected to survive the night due to the location etc of the tumour) but they have defied all expectations until now and are still around. So a message delivered to DC four years ago has almost been forgotten even though it does still stand as the individual is still terminally ill and their own very young children will also need to be told at some point.

In the case of the grandparent dying, I suspect that your ex has potentially spoken to his DC while he himself is still coming to terms with the news. Perhaps if your DS1 is already seeing a play therapist etc there are already issues at play which mean he should have been handled more sensitively perhaps, but I would try not to blame your ex as he is also having to deal with the realisation that he is going to lose a parent.

Newshmoo74

Although they may become temporarily upset generally kids will take their lead from you on how to deal with death.

An ex boyfriend of mine was 12 when his DM was dying of cancer but he wasn’t told. He was terribly scarred by what he felt was betrayal. However, there’s no excuse for breaking bad news carelessly. That’s just as damaging.

I think a child should be told regardless of their age. Obviously in an age appropriate way.

I was six when my grandpa died. He was in bed at home and had been poorly for a while. No one ever told me he was dying, I just recall teary faces, hushed voices and conversations stopping the minute I was within earshot. At the grand old age of six, I had actually worked it out for myself but still they didn't tell me. Looking back, it still makes me sad to think of my lonely little self handling that knowledge on my own.

On the day of his funeral, I was taken to school. They told me he had died later that day when I got home. He was my friend and to this day I'm still a bit angry at my parents for not giving me the chance to say goodbye to him. I also think they should have taken me to the funeral and not told me after the event. Horrible.

OP sorry you and your son are going through this x

My friend's husband has a blood cancer which will eventually kill him. They have explained this gradually to their children - first they became aware that he goes to the hospital for treatment, then that he has a blood illness, then that the illness is cancer, then that although it can be treated it cannot be cured, then that it will gradually get worse over time, and that one day he will die from it (and he will go to heaven).

They are 8 and 5 and I overheard the older one explaining the situation very clearly to another friend's children. She was quite calm about it, but at her age years seem long, and he will hopefully be around for many years.

I suppose a lot depends on the situation - an unexpected diagnosis and very poor prognosis mightn't give you time to break it gently.

My dd who is 5 has been told her grandad is going to die from terminal cancer I have been open and honest and we've talked about it

Mine are 9, 6, 5 and 2 and explained that my mum their grandma is very ill and will not get better. As another poster has said the book 'Badgers Parting Gift' is excellent. Obviously 2 yr twins really no idea but others coping as well as can be. Hope things get easier OP.

So sorry that your family is going through this .

My brother is in remission for a type of Lymphoma. He found a lump in his neck about four years ago. It was entirely treatable but I had to explain to my dd why he was going bald...so I explained some rogue cells were joining together to create lumps in Uncle's body and he has to have some really strong medicine which causes his hair to fall out. She was 7 at the time.

Soon after my Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, but he is going to die. He has had it for three years now, and is on hormone inhibitors and other drugs to slow it's progression. My dd didn't notice at first, but when she was about ten I told her. By then he had had it for two years. Dad is getting slower on his feet, and needs to sit down a lot, and it's noticable. I was honest...Grandad has lumps in his body that are getting worse, and though medicine are slowing down the growths, he will die of it, but not necessarily this year, or next, and maybe not even the year after. It's not the cancer that dd and I notice, but the side effects from the treatment. Same as my brother, I suppose.

My daughter has always taken this news at face value and rarely asks questions about it, though I am obviously very open about it.

Any age, provided that the information is given in a sensitive and age-appropriate manner, and that the child is given time and space to talk about it when and if they wish to.

Both my mother-in-law and father-in law died of cancer within a couple of years of each other and then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. At that point I really wished we had just told our children, 11 and 8, granny and grandpa were old and poorly. They were concerned I would die too.

I had to tell my children my mum was terminal when they were 3 and 7. She died 8 days later.

If you have a Marie Curie service in your area they provide excellent children's counselling for children impacted by cancer. They also have good resources for children on their website.