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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go?

61 replies

BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:06

Hi All!

My SIL is pregnant with her first child, due in May.

She has invited me to her baby shower at the end of March (weekend before Easter).

I have a couple of issues (they are mine, not hers); I don't 'believe' in baby showers/I live 150 miles away/it's three days before pay day so the wrong end of the month.

Of course I know I should make the effort, and she did say she'd understand if I didn't want to drive all that way only to drive back four hours later, but I have this awful guilt complex that makes me feel I should go..

Help!

OP posts:
pawpatrolearworm · 13/03/2018 15:08

Don't go if you don't want to. But if I were you I would come up with an excuse that makes your SIL not feel like you just don't want to go. To be nice.

WeirdCatLady · 13/03/2018 15:10

Oh no...haven’t you got a big meeting at work that day?.....or a deadline you just can’t move?.....nudge nudge wink wink

I hate baby showers too.

DancesWithOtters · 13/03/2018 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deno · 13/03/2018 15:10

I personally wouldn't drive 150 miles for a baby shower.

I would just say that you can only afford to make the journey/get time off a few times a year, and you want to save the visits for after your niece/nephew is born.

FlyingMonkeys · 13/03/2018 15:11

Send her some nice flowers with a card to congratulate her and hoping she has a lovely day... job done!

Bambamber · 13/03/2018 15:11

You don't have to 'believe' in baby showers to attend one. I think they're pointless, but I still go if invited, I've just never had one myself.

But saying that if you don't want to go, don't go. Just don't make up crap excuses

Bambamber · 13/03/2018 15:12

*oh and by crap excuse I mean don't say you're not going because you don't believe in them

Iloveacurry · 13/03/2018 15:12

I wouldn’t. It’s a long way for 4 hours!

Tainbri · 13/03/2018 15:13

I absolutely point blank refuse baby showers. I am more than happy to gift and coo all you like when the baby is HERE but not before. YANBU not to go!

InspMorse · 13/03/2018 15:14

If you don't want to/ can't (£) go don't go.
Just make your excuses & tell her that you have something on that weekend.

manicinsomniac · 13/03/2018 15:15

YANBU

You would be unreasonable for reason 1.

But reasons 2 and 3 are perfectly valid.

I've never known anyone invite anyone non local to a baby shower - they're just not seen as important enough for people to travel for in my experience.

expatinscotland · 13/03/2018 15:17

YANBU.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 13/03/2018 15:17

If you don't go she will hold a grudge forever.

Original poster
BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:18

Thanks all!

Of course, just because I don't believe or agree with them doesn't mean I wouldn't go, this is my soon-to-be-niece, but it's such a long way to go, the only people I will know are SIL and my mum..

I will give SIL a call and see if I can suss her out.

Also doesn't help it's all being organised on Facebook, which I'm not on..!!

Thanks all for your advice!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/03/2018 15:20

'If you don't go she will hold a grudge forever.'

Where did you get that idea? The OP says the SIL has already told her she understands if the OP doesn't want to drive 300 miles in a day for a 4 hour party. And if she does that says more about her than the OP. Expecting someone to drive that much for a small party is ridiculous.

justanotheruser18 · 13/03/2018 15:20

That's a long journey for a baby shower. Send a little token gift or card and go see her with your OH when niece/nephew arrives.

LeighaJ · 13/03/2018 15:21

I'm American and where I grew up we love baby showers, but I've never driven 150 miles to go to one specifically.

If I was going to be in town anyway visiting family and one was happening then sure I'd go, otherwise just send a present from baby wish list and well wishes.

I wouldn't try and make a stand over you not believing in baby showers, you'll likely just hurt her feelings. Just make up a reason that will be accepted if you don't think "too far" is going to go over well.

Trinity66 · 13/03/2018 15:23

Don't go, baby showers are a very American thing I think , none of my friends ever had one

Original poster
BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:25

I think you are right - it's my brother's (her partner) birthday a couple of weeks later and I've booked a few days off work to make a long weekend of it and see all the family, so will see her then, anyway..

I'd also rather go down when baby has arrived, and I was last down two weeks ago, too..!

Of course if I lived closer/was down anyway, I wouldn't hesitate. I'm sure she'll understand a 300 mile round trip just isn't great for a 4 hour visit.

I've already ordered a pamper hamper to be delivered the day before to my mum's, so the gift is covered..

Thanks for reassuring me all!

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeys · 13/03/2018 15:26

If she's stated she understands because of the distance then I really think she doesnt expect you to attend. It's probably more likely she just invited you to not feel left out.

DalekDalekDalek · 13/03/2018 15:37

It took me two hours to drive to my SIL's baby shower and two hours to drive back. I wouldn't have missed it in a million years. It was a lovely day and she was really happy.

Original poster
BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:39

Aw @Dalek, that's really nice. Are you and your SIL close? We're not really (I think if we were friends too I'd go no question)..

I think @FlyingMonkeys may have got it right there!

OP posts:
beanii · 13/03/2018 15:40

A 4 hour drive for a baby shower - I wouldn't care who it was for - I wouldn't go! :)

HouseworkIsASin10 · 13/03/2018 15:41

I wouldn't go that distance for a baby shower. They are hell on earth.

But I would travel for a christening or wedding.

Gingertam · 13/03/2018 15:42

I wouldn't go and wouldn't feel bad about it, but I hate baby showers. Another thing inherited from America. Do people expect a present after the birth too? (grabby) I would not expect you to drive all that way and neither should she.