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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go?

61 replies

BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:06

Hi All!

My SIL is pregnant with her first child, due in May.

She has invited me to her baby shower at the end of March (weekend before Easter).

I have a couple of issues (they are mine, not hers); I don't 'believe' in baby showers/I live 150 miles away/it's three days before pay day so the wrong end of the month.

Of course I know I should make the effort, and she did say she'd understand if I didn't want to drive all that way only to drive back four hours later, but I have this awful guilt complex that makes me feel I should go..

Help!

OP posts:
DalekDalekDalek · 13/03/2018 15:43

We're not particularly close but she was having my niece! I was excited. My mum drove two hours as well from a different part of the country too. The only people we knew there were her mum and sister.
To me it was no different to driving there to have lunch with my brother and SIL so I didn't really see it as a problem.

Original poster
BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:43

@Housework I would absolutely go if it were my niece's christening, but her mum's baby shower I'm just not convinced..!

OP posts:
speakout · 13/03/2018 15:47

I don't attend baby showers- or hen nights, or indeed weddings if I can possible avoid them.

No guilt.

Original poster
BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:48

@Dalek, I totally see what you mean. Sadly this is falling slap in the middle of two other trips down, at the wrong end of an expensive month. Had I not already been down/was going down again, I would tie it in with a visit to everyone (my family all live in the same town).

@Gingertam, of course - that's a whole different celebration! But I've already bought millions of nappies and mussies (at their request!), so apart from a money box with some money in it, I'm done!

OP posts:
happygirly1 · 13/03/2018 15:48

I think the distance is a reasonable reason (?) to not go - a 300 mile round trip in a day isn't a nice prospect!

Sounds like you've got a OK (if not particularly close) relationship with your DB and SIL though and so as long as you explain I'm sure she'll understand and totally get it. The pamper hamper is a great idea too!

Original poster
BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:48

@speakout you sound like me..!!!!!

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 13/03/2018 15:50

I love a good baby shower... absoloutly love sharing the excitement of a new baby, guessing weight, names etc and supporting a expecting mother in a truly nerve racking time all for the cost of a couple of bibs. If people dont like them/dont want to be there i always think best not to go... better not to project negativity on to others and let those that want to be there genuinely enjoy the experiance with the mum to be.

Its the in thing in mumsnet to hate all baby showers, weddings and hen/stag parties (especially abroad!) It makes me laugh as my hubby and i have scored a hatrick on all things mumsnetters appear to despise Grin

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/03/2018 15:51

No way would I travel 150 miles to go to a baby shower Shock. To be brutally honest, I wouldn't go to one around the corner...
I don't really understand your "excitement", Dalek? It was a baby shower, e.g. a meet up to give the mum to be presents, not a trip to the labour ward to be the first to hold the new arrival?!
What's wrong with the old way of going to actually see the baby, and taking a present with you?

DalekDalekDalek · 13/03/2018 15:53

It was my niece I was excited about. My SIL was pregnant with her. Of course I wanted to support and celebrate that.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/03/2018 15:55

How exactly is a shower "supporting the expectant mother", Pippa? There are much better ways (and times) to do that, than show up with a nappy cake just before the birth, when she's almost made it through the entire pregnancy presumably without your support Confused

Original poster
BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:55

@Pippa12 I'm just not a one for gatherings, that's all. And if I lived closer I would go in a heartbeat. I certainly wouldn't project negativity!

I agree far more with @Iamagreyhound - I was there for the first scan pics, the gender reveal, and will be down as soon as she is born, but I feel this is just a gathering of SIL's friends, to have a giggle and a chat, which is great, but I don't know them so it might feel a little awkward!

OP posts:
speakout · 13/03/2018 15:55

OP life is too short.

If people want to think I am unsociable or disagreeable then that's fine.
I don't enjoy social occasions and life is too short to pretend to.

Original poster
BiscuitCrumbs44 · 13/03/2018 15:56

@speakout amen!!

OP posts:
HolyShet · 13/03/2018 15:58

I don't think she expects you to go tbh, it's a long way to go to give someone a gift. I'd arrange for some lovely flowers or something to arrive.

greenhighlighter · 13/03/2018 15:58

I wouldn't expect anyone to travel 150 miles for a baby shower.

Send a gift and a card and arrange to go down when the baby is here for newborn snuggles -and help with the laundry and making tea-

RedSkyAtNight · 13/03/2018 15:59

She may have only invited you to be polite anyway? As in not to say that she doesn't want you, but that she doesn't expect you to come due to distance?

(cue MN thread next week about OP not invited to SIL's baby shower because SIL didn't think she'd want to come and it was a long way to travel)

Pippa12 · 13/03/2018 16:02

That what i think too... those that don't like them stay away... i think your doing the right thing. If you don't agree with them its unlikely you would go with the right attitude to understand the support element... each to their own and all that... me and my friends have all had them, had fantastic times, never begrudged the £5-£10 present. Ive probably been to 10+! Happy memories! I wouldnt miss it for the world if it was my new niece/nephew.

speakout · 13/03/2018 16:04

There is no need to feel guilty about having the feelings that you do.
The friends that I do have and people close to me know how I feel, They don't take it as an insult if I refuse an invitation.

If I invited some people around for something at my home- which I do sometimes, and I knew that someone didn't really want to come, but felt they had to because of a sense of obligation I would be sad for that person because they came despite not really wanting to come.

Why can't we all be a bit more honest?

I support my friends in different ways, but simply can't stand all the forced jolliness that comes along with something like a baby shower.
It all seems so faux, and I suspect some of the attendees at these things are smiling through gritted teeth.

Troels · 13/03/2018 16:06

I love baby showers. Well the ones I went to in America and my own, but here from posts I've read they have morfed into something I don't recognize.
I wouldn't drive 150 miles unless it was one of my own kids having a baby, then I hope it would be the tea and cakes, games involving jars of babyfood and clothes pegs, very traditional, followed by the presents getting opened and passed about

foodiefil · 13/03/2018 16:06

She probably feels like she has to invite you and won't be bothered if you don't turn up. Nice to send the gift!

HonkyWonkWoman · 13/03/2018 16:07

It's much too far to go for a Baby Shower!
She's already said that she would understand if you didn't go.
So just don't go.

Yogagirl123 · 13/03/2018 16:08

Don’t go if you don’t want to, and your reasons are completely reasonable, perhaps SIL doesn’t expect you too, but invited you to be polite. Baby showers, never been to one, I don’t feel I have missed out, I can’t think of anything worse to be honest! Stay at home OP!

lollipopjones · 13/03/2018 16:13

I know it’s bad but in your place I’d accept the invite. And then on the day wake up with a “migraine”or “upset tummy” which means you can’t go. And say sorry you’ll pop her gift in the post. The after payday buy a small gift and post it.

Job done!

morningconstitutional2017 · 13/03/2018 16:13

All the reasons you mention are good ones for not attending so don't feel guilty about not going. Maybe you could send a card with an 'enjoy your day' message instead. Don't waste another moment of your time feeling guilty about this.

KitKat1985 · 13/03/2018 16:16

I'm not a fan of baby showers either but would probably make the effort usually for a close friend or family member BUT not if it was 150 miles away.