in my reaction to DD's rudeness

[DiscontinuedModelHusband]

apologies for length...

over the last few weeks (months), DD has become ever more rude and disrespectful. of me, DW, and my PIL (who support us a great deal with after-school lifts etc).

she has no tolerance for anyone or anything that doesn't fit what she wants, and makes it very obvious how she feels.

she's often awful to DS1 (she's the oldest, he's the middle one), and seems to make it her life's obsession to ensure that everyone is aware of every little fault/mistake he makes.

she's 14, and is under pressure at school, as has historically been a very high performer (though most of this pressure she puts on herself)

she is spoilt (obviously not her fault), and very entitled as a result.

we've tried talking to her, but we just get further rudeness, and are told "well then people shouldn't annoy me", and things like that.

last night, we went to the shop to get some stuff for her and DS1's lunch today. in the car she was picking her nose, so i called her out on it (as she frequently does when her brother does it). she got all arsey, and as we were walking into the shop, she loudly told me to shut up.

i don't really care what other people think, but this was my tipping point. i told her i was buying lunch for DS1, and that she could sort her own out (we had plenty of stuff at home, we just went out for treats, as it's a weird schoolday today).

i said i'd had enough of her behaving like a twat, and that i wasn't going to put myself out for her anymore, until she started to show a little more respect, and stopped taking everyone for granted.

later in the evening, i'd decided i wasn't going to drop her at her friends on the way to work/school, so i told her this (we live

You have to pick your battles with teens, just like toddlers.

So try not to get into a cycle where you blow up at everything. It will just add fuel to the hormonal fire. I can tell by the way you write about her that you are surprised she is this rude/has changed so much. But, in reality, most teens go through it to an extent. If you try to "win" on everything you will become enemies and be forever locking horns.

Try to enjoy the times you are getting along!

I utterly despair when this is attributed to "teenage behaviour"-not in my world!

Of course she shouldn't be telling her siblngs off for something & doing it herself.

Nose picking is disgusting & she should be embarrassed & ashamed!

As for tellng you to shut up...

Oh diddl

I've got a 14 year old and this book really helped to understand why and how to best handle their at times just fucking awful and annoying but we still love them despite it behaviour:

Get Out of My Life But First Take Me and Alex into Town

www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-teenagers/dp/1846680875/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=alex+into+town&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1520949977&sr=1-1

She needs to realise that some stuff isn't acceptable and you need to realise she is going through massive changes and why she might be this alien creature - then the ride may get a bit smoother (but it won't be the last time she is rude..).

However if you lose your temper and tell her she is behaving like a twat on a regular basis then you'll be in for a rocky few years, but I totally understand why you did that, I have done the same in the past.

You weren’t harsh enough imo.

I can’t understand why people are so lenient with teenagers.

She talks to you like shit because she can. I bet she’s perfectly capable of being pleasant to other people.

What is catching my eye is her hypercritical, belittling behaviour towards your DS, my sister was much the same way towards me.

My mother never dealt with it effectively.

You have a future of two adult siblings who despise each other and cant in the same room for long periods without sniping, grandchildren who barely know their cousins, and having to see your children separately for Fathers Day because it's pleasanter for all concerned.

This strikes a chord with me. DD1 is also 14, extremely intelligent, quick-witted and attractive. DD2 and DD3 are identical twins, who are just 20 months younger than her.

Whilst DD1 can be lovely, she can also be horrible, particularly to DD2 who seems to specialise in rubbing her up the wrong way. It is often not DD1's fault (so she says) because DD2 is just annoying (and there are times when I can see her point ), but DD1 has a very short fuse. Family dinners can descend from pleasant and funny discussions into arguments followed by 'it's not fair' and door slamming.

It frustrates the hell out of my husband who yearns to have his compliant daughter back. But I try to convince him that this is all part of the rich tapestry of life with three teenage girls , and it'll all be worth it in a few years when they are all fabulous young women.

I console myself with the fact that outside the home she is considered a polite, mature, responsible, friendly girl who is well-liked by her friends' parents, her teachers and the staff at the drama club she attends, where she also volunteers once a week. I reckon teenagers need to be able to assert themselves with their parents, while they 'behave' outside the house. There are so many pressures on them these days - not just with school, but also social media etc, that they need to let off steam at home sometimes, where they know they are secure and will always be loved.

Having said all that, we most definitely don't allow DD1 to get away with obnoxious behaviour and she is pulled up when she is rude/mean/stroppy in any way.

Good luck with it all - it's not easy! Worth doing some reading around how a teenager's brain is changing and developing and the impact it can have on their behaviour - it's enlightening!!

I'm with you OP regardless of what vocabulary you used. I would give it a couple of days then ask her if she would like to have a chat about behaviour. Hopefully she will have had time to reflect. Your problem will be if she's as brattish as ever in her response - you need to think about your and DWs stance if this is the case.

"Oh diddl "

?

She was behaving like a twat so you told her to stop being a twat. I don't see the problem with this. I bet it shocked her enough to listen.

I think you need to learn the key rules of teenagers:
a) Don't sweat the small stuff - and decide what is small stuff. Just remember the more "big stuff" the more rows and the less room to escalate for something really bad. eg. you can't go to DEFCON 1 for shooting up heroin at the dinner table when you already did that for getting detention.
b) You've actually already had your best chance at parenting, what you did when they were younger is going to have far more influence than anything you do now.
c) their brains don't work well - there are lots of books on this.
d) keep communication channels open
e) keep telling them you love them.

Good luck!

14 year olds are twats sometimes, YANBU

There is a big difference between calling someone a twat, and telling someone that they are behaving like a twat.

She was behaving like a twat, and you told her so and gave her some reasonable consequences for her behaviour. Good for you! Stick to your guns and stop putting up with her treating everyone like shit!

I think your language was harsh but your actions justified. She cannot treat people like dirt whilst also expecting them to pander to her whims.

Practicing a calm attitude so it looks like you aren't affected by her insults and accusations would be good, also calmly pointing out her unreasonableness. It might make her more angry initially but she should calm down once she sees she's not having any effect on you/your wife.

She absolutely needs to get a grip. She's a teenager but she should not be behaving like a twat.

United front from your partner. sit down with written rules. I would start with ignoring her when she speaks like a brat and tell her that you can't hear her until she finds her manners. Explain there consequences to her behaviour and if she can't put a on a show for car trips or being out in public then she stays home. Equally take away her privileges for foul behaviour. Don't forget to choose your battles though.

I'm shocked that people on her and going on about calling her a twat - they need to jog on unless they have some real advice.

You did the right thing.
And also you're protecting her little brother. Well done.
How far will she get in life behaving as she is doing.
She's have no friends it be employable.
I know it's hard but as her dad you have the most influence.
This to will pass (the teenage phase ).

While she does sound like a stereotypical 14 yo girl, I don't actually think your reaction is that bad. You are not letting her "starve" nor stopping her getting to school. Maybe it is time to stop spoiling her as having to make her own lunch etc might give her less time to be an arse to you!

The only thing I'd suggest is to discuss it with your DW. The good cop bad cop routine never sounds like a good plan where parents and children are concerned and you don't want to cause problems with your DW.

Good luck

It makes me laugh than a woman can post she's lost her temper and shouted for her child to stop doing what they were doing and you'll get a thousand posts calling her a terrible mother

But a man can call his daughter a gendered slur in public after embarrasing her in public and people are like "aw shucks, teens eh?".

Of course your reaction was disgusting and would you be happy with one of her boyfriends in the future calling her that? Do you call your wife that?

I don't think you over reacted at all.

I never, intentionally swear around my dc so when I called him captain arsehole recently he was very shocked. It made him stand up and think.

mingerdynasty THIS.
I don’t understand why it’s perfectly acceptable to call a teenager a twat? OP, what would you do if she called you that? Cause that’s a lot worse than nose picking and ‘shut up’ IMO.
You seem all over the place with discipline and like you and your wife aren’t on the same page at all. You need to sit down and discuss proper, sensible, punishments not rash ones.
(making own lunch and walking to school while DS gets lifts and lunch bought for him just sound like you being an arse with her because you’re pissed off with her and is likely to make her resent you further) and no name calling. You’re the adult here. However.
She’s on the cusp of adulthood, teenage-dom is a hard time for all involved but you don’t have a leg to stand on if you drag yourself down to her level or in this case, worse.

As pp have said, you need to pick your battles with teens.

When they say/ do something unacceptable of course it's a parents duty to say so. But if they're in a full on strop I blank it just like I would with a toddler tantrum, and discuss it calmly after. But at the same time not dragging things out or raising previous misdemeanours again after they've been dealt with.

You also can't have it both ways. If as a teen you expect her to keep herself in check, you can't then say things you later regret and excuse it because she got to you. It's double standards.

I'm on teen number 5 and I find it best not to sweat the small stuff so would have ignored the nose picking. It probably embarrassed her and then she would have been waiting to snap.
I also have very selective hearing that is well developed over time and so don't hear minor rudeness and only call them out on direct rude or abusive comments.
It seems to work for us anyway, we survive teens with very few dramas and manage to keep close and loving relationships with good communication.
Tbf once you called her a twat you lost any moral high ground and really opened yourself up to her quite likely calling you something similar in the near future. Worst thing is you are going to look a twat if you try and raise this with her when she does.

ChelleDawg2020

You sound fun.