Please excuse the long post but to explain the situation…
I’m not a Mum yet but have found Mumset a source of incredibly supportive advice in the past so hope it’s okay to ask again! I am looking for advice about my relationship with my future MIL.
My fiancé (DP) and I have been together for 3 years (living together for 2) and are getting married at the end of this year. He’s 27 and his Mum (MIL) is 52 with 6 children - DP being the eldest down to a 11 yo. Apart from DP all her children still live at home and the three eldest (18, 22 & 25) never left home to go to university. MIL was sadly divorced a few years ago having spent her whole life as a SAHM raising the kids. Her whole life is her kids and she doesn’t do anything other than look after them. She has raised them in quite a sheltered way, rarely going out or leaving the small rural town they live in, and they never watch the news or have any outside influences such as friends coming round. One of the eldest children has what I would describe as agoraphobia and rarely leaves the house or even gets dressed or leaves her bedroom. My DP somehow turned out very different from the rest of his siblings and from a young age was quite ambitious and independent. He left home to go to university a few hours away and completed postgraduate training before getting a job in London (a few hours away from MIL) which is where we met. He loves his Mum very much but enjoys what I would consider to be a healthy “normal” independent life of his own. He speaks to her from time to time and they text a lot during the week, but we/he only visits her at her home every few months.
The situation is that over recent months MIL has become increasingly clingy and emotional with my fiancé. She has been upset and says he has forgotten her and constantly asks when he is coming home. Examples of her behavior are as follows: Whilst DP was at Uni she got into the habit of giving him a wake up call every morning (yes this is a habit DP regrets encouraging), and she has been asking why he doesn’t want her to keep doing this now to help him get to work in the mornings! She said it must be because she doesn’t need her anymore now he has me.
MIL got really upset and cried when he told her that our wedding will not be in a church (we are not religious) even though MIL never even went to church herself apart from on Xmas day. She also cried when she found out that my parents are paying for our wedding, and has also been upset about various small non-traditional choices we’ve made about the day. I have felt quite stressed about the wedding because of MIL’s feelings and would have loved to just elope, but my DP says she spent their whole childhood telling the kids that one of the worst things they could ever do would be to get married without telling her.
Last Spring she announced that she had booked and paid for three nights in a local hotel so that we could stay local to her for Christmas, even though DP and I had not yet discussed what we were doing for Christmas. It never occurred to her that we might need to visit my family too or split our time. I feel like she thinks we will forever be going back to her house every Christmas and doesn’t seem to think that anything will ever change. On Mothers’ Day she suggested that DP and I might like to visit our own parents separately as we did that one year (but this was when we were first dating and we hadn’t introduced each other to our parents yet)! I think it is normal for couples who are going to be married to attend family gatherings together and not go back to their own family homes separately. AIBU??
We are buying a flat and she has been advising DP to move to various posh areas which are super expensive and we can’t afford, because she is worried about the safety of the area. When we invited her to our flat we went for a walk down the canal in Maida Vale (which is a lovely area) and she texted him afterwards to say we must never walk down the canal as it’s too dangerous!
My DP has always wanted a tattoo and last year we both got one together (very subtle and small). MIL was upset and cried when he told her, and said that she knew it would have been my idea (even though it was in fact DP’s!) It’s as if she still views him as a small boy rather than a grown man!
MIL also hates swearing which is obviously her choice, but she can’t accept that DP and I may swear at our home with each other (not excessively I might add, just what I would consider pretty average and we never swear in front of her or the siblings) and she has got upset about this.
The teenage children often ask when my fiancé is going to move back home, as if his life in London and with me is only temporary.
She has been a loving Mum and she is a sweet person so I don’t want to paint her out as a monster. I also believe the psychological aspect of this comes from losing her own parents at a young age and wanting to create a tight family unit for herself at all costs. She is also very traditional which my fiancé and I are not and so I accept there will always be differences in lifestyle and opinions. But I can’t help but be worried about how this will all play out especially if we start a family – I don’t want to spend out whole lives feeling pressured and emotionally manipulated about our choices. The pressure is exacerbated by the fact that unusually none of DP’s siblings have moved out or even have partners, so we are setting the precedent! If there was another SIL or BIL in the equation might make me feel less alone. My DP is supportive and thinks she is being OTT but neither of us know how to handle it.
It would be great to know if anyone has any opinions.
Thank you if you have read this!! XX