Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepsisters living together

68 replies

Ancia1 · 12/03/2018 10:04

Hi, I need your opinions about going on holiday (long weekend really) just with my kids whilst living with a partner and his child. He can't really take the time off and doesn't really like to take his dd off school for even a day; there is also the added cost. But most of all I just want to spend time with my own two. He made a big fuss once when i didn't bring his dd to a meet up with a friend of mine and her dd. Am I very selfish? Is he expecting too much of me? Any pros and cons welcomed
Ps dsd doesn't have a bm family

OP posts:
unicornpoopoop · 12/03/2018 10:06

Yeah you sound mean. You're living together so surely you should be treating her the same as your own?

embo1 · 12/03/2018 10:07

Odd title for this post. Are you going away in school time? What are the ages of the children?

Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/03/2018 10:08

Oh dear. You are going to get flamed!! How is the poor kid going to feel? That you don't consider her part of the family?

HollyBayTree · 12/03/2018 10:08

If your step child normally resides with you and is part of the family, then she is counted a child of that family. You dont get to pick and choose the bits of parenting that you like. The only excpetion I would possibly make is if there is a large age disparity and the step child is (eg) 5 and your two are (eg) 15.

Can you arrange your weekend away for when the step child is visiting her mother/grandparents etc?

feathermucker · 12/03/2018 10:11

How old is your SD?

Birdsgottafly · 12/03/2018 10:13

I've taken my youngest two away without their Birth Sister. I've known Lita of families to do that.

As they develop different personalities it really strengthens the relationship if you spend time one-to-one.

Go, but plan something that your DSD picks.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 12/03/2018 10:13

I think it's really unkind to treat your step daughter differently to how you treat your own daughters. Surely that isn't the point of a blended family? You're just making sure she knows you don't think she's as important as your own kids. Maybe that is how you feel but she won't understand that or be fine with it. Just take her!

Birdsgottafly · 12/03/2018 10:14

Ages make a difference, though.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 10:14

Yes how old are your dc and your SD? I can't see how you leaving her for a short break with your dc would be anything but hurtful tbh.

Pengggwn · 12/03/2018 10:14

Couldn't do that, myself. Imagine how she'll feel.

DaisyInTheChain · 12/03/2018 10:16

It's difficult to comment as what sticks in my mind is she doesn't have BM family so you effectively have that role.

I think possibly counselling would be good, as DH obviously sees it as you are pretty much her bio Mum, not step Mum. So you need to in his eyes treat both the same. This might be hard for you to get your head around, which is why talking about it is good and may help put things into perspective. Once you've figure this & that out, possibly invite DH to a session so you can talk about it.

It's a lot for you to take on, but if I remember rightly you have a bio DC, so hypothetically it shouldn't be that hard, although we know life isn't that straight forward.

MissP103 · 12/03/2018 10:19

If she doesn't have a BM family or BM then I think yabu as where would she go? If she did then I think ywnbu to spend time just with your dc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2018 10:37

That sounds pretty mean actually. Is there a large difference in age between the children? What is your dsd going to do while you go off and play happy families with your dcs? My feeling is if you didn’t want to be a blended family, you shouldn’t have moved in with a man, who has his dd full time and who does not have a bm.

happyvalley74 · 12/03/2018 10:39

Depends on so many factors.

If she would be upset then obviously I wouldn't go. However if she can go somewhere (maybe at another time in the year) with just her dad then I think I would do it. It's also important to spend quality time with your own children.

I do a mix of a whole family holiday when dad can be there, and other weekends away with just my kids. However my partner also does this (mostly to visit their family) and his kids also have the possibility of going away with mum, although they have never actually done this.

I certainly wouldn't do something with just mine that his would be unhappy to miss out on eg disney, but we would go ahead and do something which we enjoy which they aren't fussed about eg visiting my family or skiing.

bluddyknackered · 12/03/2018 10:44

Oh, I think that would be really hurtful as the left one out, particularly if she doesn't have a birth mother. I can see why you'd want to spend time with just your two, but I don't think it's kind in the situation you describe, unfortunately.

Kitsandkids · 12/03/2018 10:46

How old is the stepdaughter and how old are yours?

I have 2 foster sons plus my own baby. We're going to visit relatives soon and for a caravan holiday in the summer. Everybody is going, we are all a family.

But, the boys are 9 and 10 so it could be in a few years if I want to take the little one to CBeebies Land or somewhere we might leave the boys with our wider family as I doubt they would want to go!

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed · 12/03/2018 10:47

If you all live together then to be frank, wtf are you playing at? You're drawing a big cirvle of exclusion around you and yours. You need to bond as a family so as not to damage the self esteem of all involved. Have you read Cinderella?

theressomethingaboutmarie · 12/03/2018 10:47

Oh don't do that! As a stepchild myself, it was made SO very clear that I was second best and not particularly wanted. They always used to go off and do things without me, or would choose to do things that i absolutely wouldn't want to do and then berate me for not coming along. Be fair to the girl and show her unconditional love - you chose to live with your partner on the understanding that you got a bonus daughter too - treat her equally.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 12/03/2018 10:48

But it's the df who won't make free time +allow his dd to miss school.....
So the op's dc miss out instead?

DeepSeaDelicacy · 12/03/2018 10:49

Are you kids, his children, or are they yours from a previous relationship?

I think this changes things slightly... Possibly.

If however, the two children you plan to take are also his - then yes, YABVU.

I do feel that it's fine for step children to spend time with their respective parents alone, not sure I would make a big deal out of the holiday, but I would encourage your partner to take her away some place alone at a later date so they can enjoy quality time without the three of you as well.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 12/03/2018 10:49

You need to have a rethink OP. You sound very mean spirited.

Bibidy · 12/03/2018 10:49

I don't see the problem, it's not like you haven't invited them to join you?

He can't get the time off and doesn't want her out of school - that's his choice.

Only other option would be to go on a Bank Holiday so that everyone can join in, but then that defeats the object of having some time just with your own two kids I suppose.

I think you will get some harsh replies on here, which is unfair because if you had posted complaining that your OH wanted to go on holiday with his own daughter and not you & yours, people would say that SD needs time with her dad alone. I don't see why this situation is any different, I'm sure your kids would like some time alone with you as well.

Trinity66 · 12/03/2018 10:51

Eventhough I understand that you would like to have time with just your two, if the SD lives with you full time it's really mean to leave her out like that. Poor kid

ChelleDawg2020 · 12/03/2018 10:51

YANBU as long as you're happy for the children to know that you love some of them more than others. Maybe you are? Either way it's your money.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 12/03/2018 10:51

But mn is always telling the sm to make sure her dh has time with just his own dc why can't the op do the same?

Swipe left for the next trending thread