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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepsisters living together

68 replies

Ancia1 · 12/03/2018 10:04

Hi, I need your opinions about going on holiday (long weekend really) just with my kids whilst living with a partner and his child. He can't really take the time off and doesn't really like to take his dd off school for even a day; there is also the added cost. But most of all I just want to spend time with my own two. He made a big fuss once when i didn't bring his dd to a meet up with a friend of mine and her dd. Am I very selfish? Is he expecting too much of me? Any pros and cons welcomed
Ps dsd doesn't have a bm family

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 12/03/2018 10:55

This is so tough. You dc deserve time just with you, because a blended family is not of their choosing, but otoh your dsd has no mum of her own and I can see why she'd be hurt.
Does your dp ever do anything just with his dd or are all activities spent with your dc as well? Because maybe that's the answer - if the family has an established habit of splitting for each child to be with their own parent, then that's okay, but if you always do everything together, then it will be obvious you are excluding her.

Booboobooboo84 · 12/03/2018 10:55

Are you living as a blended family. Ie do you make decisions about all the children together? It would be good to know ages, why you wouldn’t want her to go etc

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 10:56

April those situations are different. The OP has total care of her SD. The SD has no BM or other family from what's been said.

Bombardier25966 · 12/03/2018 10:59

I don't see the problem, it's not like you haven't invited them to join you?

They are a family, one unit, it's not a them and us situation.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/03/2018 11:00

I think age makes a big difference here too.

For example, I have two dd's, I am taking one away for a city break/concert/shopping and not talking younger dd, this is fine and everyone thinks it's lovely for us to get time alone but I bet if I put that here and said they were step sisters it would get a different reaction.

I think time alone with all children individually is great but I get the sense that's not the case here, is it?

Battleax · 12/03/2018 11:02

What does “doesn’t have a bm family” mean. That’s might make a difference.

happyvalley74 · 12/03/2018 11:02

I think it means she only has her dad

Trinity66 · 12/03/2018 11:03

Nocabbageinmyeye

I think there's a difference between having one on one time with each child and taking 2 away and leaving one behind though

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 11:03

BM - birth mother. So from that I would think the SD doesn't have a mother or any family in that side.

TeeBee · 12/03/2018 11:05

Is there a compromise here? Could you ask her whether she would prefer to join the trip and so postpone until everyone can make it, or would she prefer to have some one-to-one time with her dad or you and a special trip of her own? You might find she prefers the opportunity of a trip by herself. Yes, I suppose you did sign up for an extra child but flexibility and thinking outside the box can help to work around potential problems.

happyvalley74 · 12/03/2018 11:06

In the circumstances I think it would also be vital for the dad to spend one to one time with his DD. So I would say both parents should be taking their own children to do activities with.

I should add that I'm presuming the kids are around primary age and that the partners haven't been together since before the kids can remember

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/03/2018 11:08

Sorry I didn't see it was more than one child Trinity, not suee why I saw stepsisters and assumed you had one each, my mistake, coffee time

Chanelprincess · 12/03/2018 11:10

But most of all I just want to spend time with my own two.

Why? You knew your partner already had a child when you entered into a relationship with him. Since you're essentially forcing his child to endure you whether she likes it/you or not, the least you can do is treat her equally to your own children, unless of course your partner is planning a similar holiday with his own child at the same time. It sounds as though he is working to create a blended family with all three treated equally by both adults, whilst you are resisting.

Original poster
Ancia1 · 12/03/2018 11:11

Sorry about the title, first post, hit post instead of previw, couldn't edit.
Yes, our family holidays are established as all or none. I work shifts and get random long weekends. I want to go away with him ideally, but no childcare. Tried going with gf but family is family. So maybe just take one of the three each time, rather than mine only. This way i treat them equally and could tailor the place we visit to the child. Be cheaper too. Mine are 13 11 dsd is 8. Not a huge gap but still. It's mainly the amount of work that she requires as not still being as independant as mine. Possibly the difference in things that would interest her too as I like spending long hours in museums...
Thank you all for your advice, it is very helpful.

OP posts:
Clandestino · 12/03/2018 11:12

Wow, that really sounds extremely mean. You are essentially showing the stepchild that she is unwanted and unloved and not equal in your eyes.

happyvalley74 · 12/03/2018 11:13

Chanel asking why seems particularly obtuse.

The OP's children presumably were used to spending time alone with the OP before the partner cam eon the scene. I'd say it was crucial for her children to feel that they can still have special one on one time with their mother.

By your reckoning, she should "force" her own children "to endure" the other child and the relationship at the expense of special time with their mother.

How do you know the father isn't just trying to palm his child off on the OP for the weekend? You don't.

TheJoyOfSox · 12/03/2018 11:13

Wow! Way to make your step daughter really feel crap and resent you!

Being a step parent is never easy. Heck, being a biological family is tough at times, doing it with somebody else’s child makes it double hard. I had a stepdaughter when I married as my DH had been widowed. Even though I included her in everything, attended parents evenings, took an interest in her, her hobbies, her friends, treated her like I treated my own (my own daughters were significantly older and already left home and had babies of their own when I met her dad) she still grew up to resent me. I could maybe even go so far as to say my sd hates me. She won’t talk to me, won’t invite me to hers (she is an adult now) and doesn’t acknowledge my existence. (Postcards, Christmas cards to Dad only)

You really do seem to want to make your stepdaughters life miserable by treating her differently. I tried so hard to treat my sd just like my own, I felt sad that her mum had died and I never wanted her to feel like a Cinderella in her own home. So yes, you do come across as very selfish.

DeepSeaDelicacy · 12/03/2018 11:14

Yep, I think you need to do 1:1 or 2:1 but vary the 2 each time... So DSD is included two out of three holidays, as are your two children.

Although I see no issue with DSD having a holiday with her father whilst you take your two somewhere different either.

happyvalley74 · 12/03/2018 11:14

x post with OP.

Would he consider taking his child away for something she'd particularly like to do at the same time?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 11:16

Thanks for updating OP. As your SD is only 8 in your shoes I couldn't leave her. I think the idea of taking one at a time is slightly better but surely in the long run it would be a lot more expensive?

Could you not just choose a few activities that suit all the dc?

Booboobooboo84 · 12/03/2018 11:16

Now you’ve given further info I don’t think yabu. What you want to do is different from she would enjoy. The difference between an 8yo and 11yo is vast. I would book to go with your two on the promise that either her and her dad do something together that weekend or the two of you will go off on another weekend.

astoundedgoat · 12/03/2018 11:16

I think given your update, you HAVE to bring her. It would really hurt her to be left behind at that age, and she wouldn't understand why. She she is both old enough and young enough to feel completely rejected.

On the other hand, ASK her - she might leap at the chance to have Daddy all to herself for a weekend instead of having to share with her new big sisters?

happyvalley74 · 12/03/2018 11:17

I don't think it's about wanting to make the SD feel left out. I think the OPs own children deserve some alone with mum time too.

I'm possibly projecting - I was alone with my DC for 6 years until their step dad came along. He had kids and it all worked well, but I missed the time when it was just the three of us and I know they did, so it was important occasionally to reconnect with them in that way, without SD or anyone else around.

happyvalley74 · 12/03/2018 11:18

I think its clear from this thread that there is a split. Essentially, you can do what you like as long as SD fully understands and is happy with the plan.

Bibidy · 12/03/2018 11:18

I don't get this - everyone on mumsnet is always flaming stepmums abut how much dads need to have time alone with their own kids.

Why is this not the same for a mum? Don't her kids deserve the same?

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