I am about aware that this is a ridiculous question to ask on MN, but I've had some great advice and some home truths here in the past.
I have been having such a hard time with my DH, I feel like I'm in a fog I can't see through. I darent tell anyone IRL half this stuff, so I hope someone might have had experience of this, and can help me.
Background: we've been married 7 1/2 yrs, dd5 and ds2.
Reasons to LTB:
- He is fucking awful to me. Actually refers to me as his 'punching bag'. Feels absolutely no remorse for acting horribly. Example, last weekend, we went out for an activity as a family, all having a nice time. I was so happy. We sat down in the food court and he knocked his drink into my meal. I didn't say anything but must've looked upset. Without missing a bite, he just snarled 'what are you looking at, clean it up you fucking idiot' then went back to our day as if nothing had happened. This happens often. I'm so worried my DC will either think this is normal or hate me for this situation.
- Won't lift a finger to help with the kids or the house. Can't cook a single meal, refuses any task related to the kitchen, laundry or bathroom. At the most he'll tidy (but not vacuum) the living room. Refuses to do a thing for kids (bedtime, bath, meals, diapers, school stuff) but will play with them sometimes. When we married I earned more than him. We had an argument about me going back to work, and he said 'you thought you were so clever, now your job is to clean my shit'
- likes to belittle/ embarrass me in front of people. Again, really worried DC might pick up his nastiness.
- although she loves him very much, and he would never dare lay a finger on her, DC are wary of him. DD5 has told my sister, my parents, her teacher and her best friend that daddy 'is mean and rude' to mummy
- I hate myself a little more each day I stay
I know it sounds like a clear LTB but these are my secret fears/ problems that stop me:
- we are both Pakistani. I'm not saying anything about Pakistanis in general, but in my experience of my own family/ community divorced women and their children are ostracised and become second class citizens. I've seen it happen to the children of my aunt when she left her husband. I don't want to do that to DC if I could help it. I think my parents would support me, but they would suffer themselves and I would be ostracised from the rest of the family.
- I'm from a very average family, he's from a rich and influential family back home. I'd be scared to take the kids back or send them to him for visitation if he relocated. I have absolutely no family and few friends in this country. So if I stay here alone, no support system at all.
- he's very charming and ruthless. I know he'd do his best to alienate DC from me. He already uses them to upset me. I couldn't bear if they went to live with him, without me even being able to protect them from him.
- I won't bring up DV (he's hit me before), he's in the UK on a visa and would lose it, but if I don't he's likely to have part time custody. I also have no proof of DV and even right after he hit me, he'd say 'you must be insane, I've never touched you'. The only people who know are his parents, they obviously won't back me up.
- I can go back to work but realistically I'll never earn much. How can I be a single parent with no support network? He's a high earner and although I don't get much and have to account for myself, he's very generous with the DC. Would they resent me for taking opportunities away from them? I know he would try to 'woo' them away with expensive gifts etc, as PIL already manipulate all their kids with wealth.
- my pregnant sister is married to his younger brother. I might never see her again or might make her life a lot harder if BIL decides to take sides.
- what if im a terrible single parent and scar my DC for life? What if they hate me for leaving? What if something happens to me after I destroy their family support network?
- he has diagnosed MH issues and has been suicidal before. What if he spirals after I leave and DC blame me when they're old enough to understand?
I'm so sorry for the rambling post, just a million thoughts in my head and I can't seem to sort them into any order.