Help me MN, should I LTB

[AmiU]

I am about aware that this is a ridiculous question to ask on MN, but I've had some great advice and some home truths here in the past.

I have been having such a hard time with my DH, I feel like I'm in a fog I can't see through. I darent tell anyone IRL half this stuff, so I hope someone might have had experience of this, and can help me.

Background: we've been married 7 1/2 yrs, dd5 and ds2.

Reasons to LTB:

• He is fucking awful to me. Actually refers to me as his 'punching bag'. Feels absolutely no remorse for acting horribly. Example, last weekend, we went out for an activity as a family, all having a nice time. I was so happy. We sat down in the food court and he knocked his drink into my meal. I didn't say anything but must've looked upset. Without missing a bite, he just snarled 'what are you looking at, clean it up you fucking idiot' then went back to our day as if nothing had happened. This happens often. I'm so worried my DC will either think this is normal or hate me for this situation.
• Won't lift a finger to help with the kids or the house. Can't cook a single meal, refuses any task related to the kitchen, laundry or bathroom. At the most he'll tidy (but not vacuum) the living room. Refuses to do a thing for kids (bedtime, bath, meals, diapers, school stuff) but will play with them sometimes. When we married I earned more than him. We had an argument about me going back to work, and he said 'you thought you were so clever, now your job is to clean my shit'
• likes to belittle/ embarrass me in front of people. Again, really worried DC might pick up his nastiness.
• although she loves him very much, and he would never dare lay a finger on her, DC are wary of him. DD5 has told my sister, my parents, her teacher and her best friend that daddy 'is mean and rude' to mummy
• I hate myself a little more each day I stay

I know it sounds like a clear LTB but these are my secret fears/ problems that stop me:

• we are both Pakistani. I'm not saying anything about Pakistanis in general, but in my experience of my own family/ community divorced women and their children are ostracised and become second class citizens. I've seen it happen to the children of my aunt when she left her husband. I don't want to do that to DC if I could help it. I think my parents would support me, but they would suffer themselves and I would be ostracised from the rest of the family.
• I'm from a very average family, he's from a rich and influential family back home. I'd be scared to take the kids back or send them to him for visitation if he relocated. I have absolutely no family and few friends in this country. So if I stay here alone, no support system at all.
• he's very charming and ruthless. I know he'd do his best to alienate DC from me. He already uses them to upset me. I couldn't bear if they went to live with him, without me even being able to protect them from him.
• I won't bring up DV (he's hit me before), he's in the UK on a visa and would lose it, but if I don't he's likely to have part time custody. I also have no proof of DV and even right after he hit me, he'd say 'you must be insane, I've never touched you'. The only people who know are his parents, they obviously won't back me up.
• I can go back to work but realistically I'll never earn much. How can I be a single parent with no support network? He's a high earner and although I don't get much and have to account for myself, he's very generous with the DC. Would they resent me for taking opportunities away from them? I know he would try to 'woo' them away with expensive gifts etc, as PIL already manipulate all their kids with wealth.
• my pregnant sister is married to his younger brother. I might never see her again or might make her life a lot harder if BIL decides to take sides.
• what if im a terrible single parent and scar my DC for life? What if they hate me for leaving? What if something happens to me after I destroy their family support network?
• he has diagnosed MH issues and has been suicidal before. What if he spirals after I leave and DC blame me when they're old enough to understand?

I'm so sorry for the rambling post, just a million thoughts in my head and I can't seem to sort them into any order.

Oh and I don't have any family to help and get by with good friends. There are also organisations like Gingerbread and Homestart and Women's Aid as starting points. It will be OK. Mumsnet will get you through!! PM if you need x

Oh and your kids will be OK if their parents split up! I don't believe you're anything but an excellent parent! Do try and keep any arguing/shouting etc away from them though. You need an organisation's support to do this I think. The question really is HOW not Whether you should leave.

I'm also Pakistani and have also recently divorced my husband. Your post has brought back so many memories even though my husband was nowhere near as abusive as yours sounds. Please feel free to PM me and get in touch if you would like to talk a bit more.

I promise you, you are a good enough Mum. You will be OK. You will eventually be so much stronger and capable then you ever thought you could be. You have put your family first for long enough trying to make things work. There isn't a civil or religious law that thinks what he is doing to you is OK.

Your family and his will try to convince you to give him another chance, that he'll change or that you should. He will not. And you shouldn't. Do please get in touch with one of the agencies people have linked to. They will help you get out. It is possible. I spent 15 years married to someone I had never met before our marriage. I also felt that I had made the worst mistake ever.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You deserve to live a life where you are not abused. You do not have to put up with it. Not for the kids sake, not for your family and not for any outdated notions of izzat. You are worth more than the treatment this man is dishing out.

Believe in yourself. Believe in your children and the family and unit you will create without him.

We're here for you

OP
Well done for asking.
A couple more organisations that have an insight into some of the issues that you're talking about:

www.asianwomencentre.org.uk - they're London based
and
Sharan who have online support.
www.sharan.org.uk/faq.aspx

Be very careful - don't let him even think that you're considering leaving but prepare and hopefully one of these groups or Women's Aid can give you constructive advice

There's a charity called Karma Nirvana that I think will be able to help you.

Give them a call and get some advice about how to protect you and your children.

Oh op

This is awful to read

Please get out

Jeez, I could cry at what you have been through. What an appalling man he is. Yes, you should absolutely leave him but given his behaviour, please make sure you do so in a safe way that doesn't further endanger you or your children. Do NOT do what someone has suggested and hide any recording equipment. If he finds it, all hell will break loose. Get some real life support, including women's aid and make a plan to leave. Then leave him for good and do not shed a single tear or feel one iota of guilt about it. Good luck op. Oh and make sure he doesn't find this thread.

He sounds really frightening. You definitely need support and a plan to leave him. It would be awful to let your children grow up thinking that was okay behaviour.

Please get out. It'll be tough, but not as tough as staying. And your children won't be "scarred" by your leaving, but they will be by growing up in a toxic environment where they see their mother abused on a regular basis.

Op that sounds scary, I’m so sad that you have to live like this. Echo PP, pack important things into a normal bag and leave. Go to family or to the police. But please get out.

You will be helping your kids in the long term, none of you need to be around this. Good luck

Definitely leave. He is disgusting and your fears are correct- your children will assume this is normal. Mine did. Since I left I’ve had to hammer it home it’s never ok.

I do see why given your cultural background makes things difficult though. Phone women’s aid either the national number or google the name of your town/city and women’s aid and it will give you the local number and you might have a better chance of getting through as the national number can get so busy.

Be safe though. Delete the phone calls from your call list and your hourly internet history if you look anything up. Don’t delete all because if he does check it’ll look suss. Best wishes to you and your children OP.

I'd say leave. You make serious points about the potential difficulties. But your children are already picking up on things and it will impact them emotionally as they grow up.

I'd advise speaking to your local woman's aid but also looking into culturally specific woman's support groups who have experience supporting people in the sensitivities of your situation.

Near where I live there's a project called roshni which does this.

I just re-read and saw that in addition to being being violent and emotionally and verbally abusive, he's on a visa and would be deported if you reported this and left him. It's hard because you are perfectly placed to absolutely get rid of him, but he has made you doubt yourself so much. He is actually very stupid to treat you like this, when you have this power over him. Please get specialist support for yourself and start the journey to leaving him. You will never regret it.

I don't believe he will get sent back to Pakistan though, as he has children here and there's the 'right I family life' (correct me if I'm wrong...) - but please don't let that hold you back one bit from LTB

I grew up with an abusive father. My mother stayed with him until I was 15 years old. I've never quite forgiven her for not getting me and my sisters out of the situation sooner (although I do understand why it was so incredibly difficult for her or anyone in that situation, so I am not criticising believe me). Please listen to what others are saying. Your children will be better off away from this. Mum struggled financially for a long time after she left with us kids, but I cannot describe the sense of relief we all felt from being away from the abuse.

You are without a doubt a good enough mum. He otoh is an inadequate father and frightingly abusive husband. You absolutely need to leave him for your children as much as for you. It is really sad that you don’t know what normal family life is like. I didn’t either and have tried my best to create it with dh.

A surplus of money is nice to have. Happiness and security is a basic need. Don’t ever think one can be traded for the other. Your children can never truly enjoy the money if their basic needs aren’t met. I say this from experience of being brought up in an abusive household with very comfortably off parents. I would much rather have been brought up in a less wealthy environment with parents, who showed they loved and cared for me. I used to so wish one of my friends mums was my mum. Don’t ever let your children wish this because you chose to stay with this vile man.

Police - get him kicked out of the country. Is there an Asian women’s organisation in your area? Some of them are absolutely brilliant and understand the specific cultural issues in great detail and now how to support women who face these.

He's absolutely appalling. I don't understand how you can enjoy one minute of your life with him in it.

I'm sure that the prospect of leaving is frightening, but you can do this. And once you do, the rest of your life will open up. You don't need to go through this alone, there are support services available, and as you gradually reduce his stain on your life you will find yourself more in tune with real living.

I think you'd be wise to take advice from reputable agencies bc your husband sounds so unreasonable that he cannot be expected to do the right thing.

Undoubtedly there will be a network of Pakistani women you can tap into. Be brave OP. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the children.

Hi OP,

I hope you are still reading. I aldo think you absolutely need to LTB and do all you can to protect your children from him.

It must feel impossible to do so because your confidence has been eroded over the years,so maybe break it down into steps. Call womens aid and the other organisations when you get the opportunity and see what support is available. Update your CV and send it to employers.

He needs to lose that visa......if being non violent is a condition of having it!

Even if you can't/won't deal with this then that leaves this piece of shit living here with potential to harm other people in this country

OP, I'm from a south Asian background myself and completely understand the cultural implications of being divorced.

However, you're not in Pakistan. You moved here (or your parents moved here) to give their children a better life - by staying with this guy, you're teaching them that it's okay to be treated like a punching bag. I would definitely ring Women's Aid, they will be able to help you as well as put you InTouch with organisations who work to support women in your situation. Please don't lose hope - you are stronger than you think!

Please do your daughter is aware that Daddy is mean to you and has reported it to others you need to get the three of you out of his way to the life you all deserve.
You will be letting your kids know that you want them to have a life where they are valued and loved not demeaned and abused.
All the best for the future.

Please LTB.

I understand your concerns but there are agencies that can help you. Women's aid etc. Just the first line was enough. Please don't stay in this environment. It will only get worse as you allow it to continue.

Please leave him.

I understand your fears about him taking them out of the country. He could do this now. Especially if he is suspicious.

Get him kicked out.

Pick up your life.

Do the children have passports? Put them somewhere safe. ? A none family friend or something?

I read as far as referring to you as a punching bag. What an utterly repulsive piece of shit he is. This is the most emphatic LTB I have ever written.