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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me MN, should I LTB

103 replies

AmiU · 11/03/2018 23:02

I am about aware that this is a ridiculous question to ask on MN, but I've had some great advice and some home truths here in the past.

I have been having such a hard time with my DH, I feel like I'm in a fog I can't see through. I darent tell anyone IRL half this stuff, so I hope someone might have had experience of this, and can help me.

Background: we've been married 7 1/2 yrs, dd5 and ds2.

Reasons to LTB:

  • He is fucking awful to me. Actually refers to me as his 'punching bag'. Feels absolutely no remorse for acting horribly. Example, last weekend, we went out for an activity as a family, all having a nice time. I was so happy. We sat down in the food court and he knocked his drink into my meal. I didn't say anything but must've looked upset. Without missing a bite, he just snarled 'what are you looking at, clean it up you fucking idiot' then went back to our day as if nothing had happened. This happens often. I'm so worried my DC will either think this is normal or hate me for this situation.
  • Won't lift a finger to help with the kids or the house. Can't cook a single meal, refuses any task related to the kitchen, laundry or bathroom. At the most he'll tidy (but not vacuum) the living room. Refuses to do a thing for kids (bedtime, bath, meals, diapers, school stuff) but will play with them sometimes. When we married I earned more than him. We had an argument about me going back to work, and he said 'you thought you were so clever, now your job is to clean my shit'
  • likes to belittle/ embarrass me in front of people. Again, really worried DC might pick up his nastiness.
  • although she loves him very much, and he would never dare lay a finger on her, DC are wary of him. DD5 has told my sister, my parents, her teacher and her best friend that daddy 'is mean and rude' to mummy
  • I hate myself a little more each day I stay

I know it sounds like a clear LTB but these are my secret fears/ problems that stop me:

  • we are both Pakistani. I'm not saying anything about Pakistanis in general, but in my experience of my own family/ community divorced women and their children are ostracised and become second class citizens. I've seen it happen to the children of my aunt when she left her husband. I don't want to do that to DC if I could help it. I think my parents would support me, but they would suffer themselves and I would be ostracised from the rest of the family.
  • I'm from a very average family, he's from a rich and influential family back home. I'd be scared to take the kids back or send them to him for visitation if he relocated. I have absolutely no family and few friends in this country. So if I stay here alone, no support system at all.
  • he's very charming and ruthless. I know he'd do his best to alienate DC from me. He already uses them to upset me. I couldn't bear if they went to live with him, without me even being able to protect them from him.
  • I won't bring up DV (he's hit me before), he's in the UK on a visa and would lose it, but if I don't he's likely to have part time custody. I also have no proof of DV and even right after he hit me, he'd say 'you must be insane, I've never touched you'. The only people who know are his parents, they obviously won't back me up.
  • I can go back to work but realistically I'll never earn much. How can I be a single parent with no support network? He's a high earner and although I don't get much and have to account for myself, he's very generous with the DC. Would they resent me for taking opportunities away from them? I know he would try to 'woo' them away with expensive gifts etc, as PIL already manipulate all their kids with wealth.
  • my pregnant sister is married to his younger brother. I might never see her again or might make her life a lot harder if BIL decides to take sides.
  • what if im a terrible single parent and scar my DC for life? What if they hate me for leaving? What if something happens to me after I destroy their family support network?
  • he has diagnosed MH issues and has been suicidal before. What if he spirals after I leave and DC blame me when they're old enough to understand?

I'm so sorry for the rambling post, just a million thoughts in my head and I can't seem to sort them into any order.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 11/03/2018 23:34

You cannot be responsible for his mental health

Your kids will love you for being a happier mum whos not being abused by their dad

Then world is your oyster once your away from him. Who's says you won't earn more eventually. You can retrain, you can do anything you want to do

Fruitcorner123 · 11/03/2018 23:35

Yes as almost everyone has said you must leave him for your children's sake. We convince ourselves divorce would be the worst possible thing for our children but growing up in an abusive home is far worse. Imagine watching your mother being verbally abused everyday, that's what your children have to put up with. Plenty of people (most) with divorced parents grow up to be fine healthy well rounded adults. Most people whose father bullied and verbally abused their mother have problems of some kind. It's a far more harmful environment for your children.

That doesn't mean I am unsympathetic to your concerns. Just that you need to overcome them. You might need to get help to do that and previous posters have suggested where to access support. Please do.

Gemini69 · 11/03/2018 23:37

omg I had to literally read this twice OP... to grasp what you had actually written..

please.... seek help from Womans Aid and the Police Flowers

Fruitcorner123 · 11/03/2018 23:42

Just wanted to add this. Would you resent your mother if she left your abusive father and thus you had less money? I hope most people would answer, No way. I would certainly be proud of my mother if she did that.

Because of the risk you mention of him taking the children to Pakistan you need help with the legalities he is verbally abusive to you and you worry for your children being alone with him so mention this to whichever group you call on for support and they will talk you through your rights. Please get help now. Your Dd is 5 so she has time to see you single and happy and maybe in the future in a normal happy relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2018 23:42

Any family members who ostracize you for leaving a horrid, abusive man aren't worth having in your life. While I always try to respect other cultures, ones which place so little value on a woman's life and happiness aren't worthy of consideration. That type of "cultural tradition" is just misogyny, end of story.

Get away from this man as fast as you possibly can and never look back.

LittleKiwi · 11/03/2018 23:47

You can do it. You are enough for your children. Leaving your abusive husband is the best thing you can do for your children.

Good luck!

TheJoyOfSox · 11/03/2018 23:49

Leave him? To be honest I’m surprised you have put a pillow over his face and smothered him in his sleep!

The man is a vile pig and you know it, if you want your little boy to grow up believing this is how men should treat their wives , then stay.

You will survive as a single parent, just like millions of others. It may be tough and your life will change, but at least you won’t live in fear of your next good hiding. As for your family disowning you, that is their choice, but would they really shut the grandchildren out? I’m sorry I can’t help any more. Flowers

SomeKnobend · 12/03/2018 00:08

I would think about getting some secret cameras or voice recorders and get some evidence of the abuse, then you can make sure he doesn't get access to the kids. I agree he'll try to influence them against you, but even worse he may abuse them and/or not give them back to you after his contact. You must leave, he is so terrible, but talk to women's aid or someone about how best to protect the children.

snowbear66 · 12/03/2018 00:25

Dear OP,
Please don't stay with him for the money, if you work part time you can get working families tax credits and housing benifit to pay your rent, not rich but all bills paid, it's ok. I'm a single mother & it's not easy to leave but sometimes it's the only path to take.

iwanttoeatallthecarbs · 12/03/2018 00:29

He is a horrible person and you are worth so much more op. You can do it. And your children will thank you, they will not be mad at you for taking them out of an abusive home life.
I wouldn't hesitate to report him for dv. Fuck his visa.

Giraffey1 · 12/03/2018 00:32

I didn’t get further than your first couple of sentences. Seriously, you don’t need this excuse for a man in your life. Neither do your poor children. Is this how you want them to be when they are older? Of course not!

GrockleBocs · 12/03/2018 01:00

Is your sister going through similar? If they have the same attitude from the same upbringing it has to be possible. You might save her and be each other's support.

gluteustothemaximus · 12/03/2018 01:10

I didn't read it all.

Punching bag...then I stopped. That's enough. There's your LTB right there.

Please leave. Don't look back. Women's Aid for advice x

user764329056 · 12/03/2018 01:15

You poor woman, please get out of this horrific situation xx

SantaClauseMightWork · 12/03/2018 01:25

One day, your children will look up to you and will be really proud of you. Just do it. This is a textbook case of domestic violence. The least you can do for your DC is to not raise them around to be like this man or worse, internalise some of it at least. It's highly likely that they will internalise it. Do you want to be responsible for that? Be as cold as him. Plan it well.
As a start, please do one thing: you have a unanimous LTB here. If these details are true, they are identifying. Make sure this thread is deleted ASAP. Then make a new ID. Change all details and plan from a new thread.
While you are at it, make sure you don't change your behaviour or anything that could make him suspicious. Get you ducks in a row. You can do this. Do it for your children. Flowers

Hidingtonothing · 12/03/2018 01:29

OP of course your post will attract a chorus of LTB's (and rightly so, you definitely should) but the practicalities and enormity of actually doing it will still feel overwhelming and that's what I think you need to focus on.

Please consider contacting some of the organisations mentioned (karma nirvana, WA etc) and get some help and support to figure out how you find a way through it all, you definitely need to leave/make him leave, you just need to figure out how.

Having a plan, working out how things might actually look on a practical level and feeling that you have support and aren't doing this alone will all give you strength and it's much easier to make hard decisions when you feel strong.

You don't have to do this all in one go, first step is talking to some people who can help and then you take it from there. Obviously we'd all like to see you away from him immediately but this is your life and it has to be at your pace, just take it one step at a time.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/03/2018 01:56

LTB. If not for you, for the children. Keep posting as much as you need to.

He is a bastard of the highest order. LTB.

Springtrolls · 12/03/2018 02:02

Hope this link works. Its aimed at Muslim woman in dv relationships. And of course there's womans aid.
There also might be local support service but I also know a lot have been closed because of funding.

Good luck., Your children won't hate you. It will be hard, there's no denying this. But in the end they will understand you did this for them.

Springtrolls · 12/03/2018 02:02

www.mwnhelpline.co.uk
sorry forgot to post the link

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 12/03/2018 06:31

I think the best thing you could do for your children would be to remove them from an environment which is so obviously toxic - you're right that seeing him treat you that way will negatively influence them.

You can do this. You're a good mother. You will be given help in providing for them. You can return to work and if you don't earn enough you will be entitled to government support. Speak to women's aid, they will help you. Also look around for support groups for single mothers etc - you can build a new support network of people who will be there for you.

Your children will love you for the care and support you provide. You don't need to stay in a violent, abusive home for fear that they won't.

You can do this Flowers

ShutUpRobert · 12/03/2018 06:38

LTB. Revoke his visa. Deny visitation. Let him rot.

Shoxfordian · 12/03/2018 06:41

Please don't put up with this horrible behaviour any longer than you have to and get a plan to leave in place. You earned good money before; you could do it again; you're a strong competent woman and a great mother. Believe in yourself and get away from him.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 12/03/2018 06:45

I think you will be surprised at your daughters reaction when you leave. I thought my daughter had a better relationship with her ‘dad’ (stepdad since babyhood) than me So was worried I was upsetting her whole life but when I told her he wasn’t going to live with us anymore she said “Well he wasn’t very nice to you was he?” X

Flockoftreegulls · 12/03/2018 06:51

Please don't tell him your plans to leave. Just pack the most important documents into a normal handbag. Get the kids and act like your doing something normal like shopping.
Protect electronic devices and passwords so he doesn't find out what you are planning.
Please stay safe op, get out of there.
It may be hard but your safety is all that matters and the kids will respect you for it. Maybe not straight away but they will understand.
Get the help that's out there for you and leave, please

Locotion · 12/03/2018 06:57

I am Pakistani and left my husband. If people have backward mentalities that's their problem. Domestic violence is not OK in any culture and neither is disrespect. You will be OK. You earnt before, you will again. You need to raise Domestic Violence allegations because (a) they are TRUE and (b) the services will protect you and your children and keep you and other women in this country safe. Send him back to Pakistan - disgusting, we don't need people like that in this country.