To not marry him **edited by MNHQ to say that some of the content is upsetting**

[Forevertired19]

I feel awful typing this to be honest.

Dp wanted to propose since my 20th birthday. I'd been with him happily for 2 years by this point and we've had huge highs and lows. He's never betrayed me or anything like that, just we've been in some awful situations together that perhaps he didn't support me too well in, but they affected him too so I'm not overly bothered. We lost a baby after my brother committed suicide and I was dealing with the grief as well as the loss of a baby. But it affected dp really bad so Its understandable that there wasn't that much support from him.
So we tried so hard for dd and i was told I'd never have children. I bought her into the world last April and I'm currently expecting ds this month. He proposed whilst I was carrying dd. I was really excited to get married. But now it just seems like it's the right thing to do with two dc?
We moved out together etc and we're happy. I wish we had more money etc but we are okay. We have our health and that's all we need.
Dont get me wrong. I do love him and care so deeply for him. If we split up I wouldn't want anyone else and we are very committed.
Funnily enough my mom mentioned our wedding earlier and it got me thinking.. I'm in no rush. I'm 22, he's 27... Just all of it seems so young to me now and like it's rushed. But then he's never mentioned planning a wedding etc so I just presumed as recently he's not been spending much time with me that he wasn't too fussed. Maybe he thought it was just the right thing to do because we have our children. But he suddenly bought it up at dinner today that he wants to start planning after baby boy is born..
It just seems too.. Rushed for me? I'm not sure. I do want to get married one day I suppose but I just can't see it happening at all. There's no glimpse of it and no desire to plan it anymore.
Has anyone ever felt the same? He's dead set on it now but maybe this is all my insecurities and depression getting in the way? I just don't feel good enough anymore.

Surely having two children is a much bigger commitment than getting married?
Having said that make sure you’re making the right choice for you, you’re still very young and you’ve got the rest of your life ahead of you so there’s no need to rush into anything.

From a practical point of view, there are significant legal and financial benefits to being married that you'd be wise to avail of given you have two children. The CAB can run you through what they are. Particularly if you have taken a career break to go on maternity leave or be a SAHM you should very strongly consider getting married as you have reduced your pension and earning potential for his benefit and should protect your financial future in the event that you two break up.

Emotionally, you've been through an extremely difficult time. A miscarriage, the loss of your brother, a new baby and two pregnancies... that would take its toll on anyone. Some of the things you say hint at possible symptoms of depression - not being excited any more, feeling unworthy etc. It might be worth exploring these feelings with your partner, trusted friends, your GP and / or a counsellor?

I also cannot understand how you can have two kids with someone and not be ready to commit to each other. You are bound together forever via the children. If you were only married then you can divorce if necessary.

I'm not saying that you should marry if you don't feel like it but you might want to have a good long think why you don't feel like marrying this guy. Because for me that raises huge red flags.

I don't really understand why marriage seems like a bigger commitment than having kids. You can end a marriage but once you have kids together there's no undoing it.

I just feel like for the money.. I Could be doing other things. I want to take dcs travelling with him when they're a bit older, as a family. Give them new experiences and not rush marriage straight away for example.
We are so pushed for money as he has no job at the moment and was recently let go and it just seems so impractical to me also to even think about it yet when we've two very young dc.
I want to be with him. I really do. I can't imagine growing old with anyone else. But I'm not entirely sure what this is. I'm on the waiting list for a Councillor and EDMR? I have severe ptsd from finding my brother hanging and after my daughter I feel like I don't deserve anything and like I'm worth nothing to anyone. I look at him sometimes and just think he's too good for me

At the moment, it's the names for me. We have no pension, nothing so there's nothing there for me to get married for. (I know some people do it for that security) but there's none of it. It's the desire to want. An we love and cherish our dcs and our family time is so so lovely and I feel so lucky to have my babies and him and so thankful he made me a mother. But I just feel too young for marriage yet. I feel like he just thinks its the right thing to do as he's never mentioned even planning it before. I wanted to get married as soon as he proposed and he didn't seem that bothered then but I know he wanted dd to be tottering about when we do decide to marry.

You don't have to spend ££££ getting married?

A wedding doesn’t have to cost more than £200 for the registry office if you don’t want to spend much. You’re 22 and about to have your second child, you can’t really say this feels rushed.

I think given your current state emotionally it's not a good time to make big decisions. However, certainly in the U.K. there are bigger benefits to marriage than just pensions so I'd strongly advise chatting with the CAB so you're 100% aware of all the consequences.

I really hope your counselling and EDMR are effective and help you understand your worth as well as work out these complex feelings. Best of luck.

It mounts up :( we looked at what we both wanted and his family are really getting on my back with it. "have it in this church by the seaside so his uncle can be there" etc. No. But its doing my head in and I'm so stressed out because they're constantly on my case and pressuring me.

Honestly, I want to go to Istanbul, take my two dc and get married in private but that isn't an option as I'm already getting hassled that dd hasn't been christened and we haven't had a huge party. But I couldn't afford it anyway.

I'm just so sick of people getting on to me about it which doesn't help. His gran spoke to me about bridesmaids an I said I wanted my best friend and that was it and all I got was "NO, YOU'RE HAVING HIS COUSIN AS YOUR BRIDESMAID!" 🙄😔 I just feel so beaten down by everything already. Money worries, anxiety, pregnancy worries etc I'm having to rehome my brothers cat and it's just all too much right now

Don't let them bully you into what they want and not what you want. Have a talk with DP, say you want to be well first, and discuss what you really want.

You don't have to have a big wedding if you don't want one. Whether you marry on holiday, at the local register office, elope to Gretna or wherever, make your own choices. But I would say that you need to be in a good state of mind and health to be able to stand up to the people pushing their own agendas, whether before or after the fact.

It sounds like you need someone to fight your corner here op, speak to your other half and tell him with all that’s happened and the exhaustion that comes with pregnancy you need to relax and not think about marriage until you’re settled with the new baby, so he needs to tell his family to back off and that when (if) you get married you’ll be doing it your way.
And don’t discuss wedding plans with anyone, if it comes up just say now is not a good time and change the subject.

I think you definitely need either some counselling or a good friend who has your back. I get the impression you are being railroaded by your DP's family into a position of 'wife&mother' with very little acknowledgement that you are a person.

It's not a actually true that children are a bigger commitment if you aren't married. Plenty of us that have never seen the other parent if they decide to walk.And the CMS isn't really geared up to making them pay so it's perfectly possible to walk away more easily than get divorced.
If you don't want to marry for whatever reason then don't.
There are legal advantages to marriage and having children together but people manage.You are very young, life happens, wait till you feel ready.

I would get married at a registry office without telling your family and with minimum guests (ie witnesses), because it does make sense to get married now - it is most definitely not "rushing" to marry someone you already have kids with and plan to stay with. Have the party bit of the wedding some other time - I agree it is bad timing to have that bit now and your family are being horrible to pressure you into it when it is not what you want or need right now.

I do want to I suppose. But I don't think I could do it right now. I want to as well so we can all have the same last name and be a unit but I think you're all right. It's mental health I think getting in the way more than wanting to commit to him. Which I do want to. But not now and I'm shocked he's even bought it up and wants to do it for next year. What? :( maybe I'll feel differently in 6 months time.
For what would keep people happy would terrify me. Walking down with people staring at me. I couldn't do it.

@reanimated, yes :( that's it that's exactly how I feel. I feel like they're pushing it more than me. My dp is allergic to my cat and she's the only thing my brother adored that he left behind. She's precious and I want her to be happy being as though she's lost everything. He can't breathe and I don't know what to do.
But his family message and phone me daily just to chuck her out. If I tell them myself to back off they don't. I tried when dd was young and they didn't help with ppd because they wouldn't leave me and her alone to bond. They constantly kept popping round to hold her and have her off me.
I've put a ban on with this baby. When he's born we've decided to not announce until we are ready apart from to my mom.

Invite everyone for a christening and let it be a surprise wedding instead so that eveyone who matters is there, but there's noone stressing you out about it beforehand.

From reading your post, I think you have too much on your plate, to consider marriage. IT almost seems like it's not the concept of marriage per se, but the practicality of arranging it. You are too busy with a young child and pregnancy, and this is enough for you.

Love, you’re not in a good place. All of your threads are ‘your truth’ at that point in time, I don’t doubt, for a single minute, that you see it as ‘your truth’, but from the outside looking in, it’s never quite how you’re saying it is. I don’t want to drag stuff from one thread to another, but you told him to leave and he did, but then he came back to help you out due to sickness, just until the baby was here. Now you’re talking about a future together. You’re ignoring how utterly crap he was when your brother died and when you lost the baby. You’re minimising to make this all ‘ok’. It isn’t ok, it really isn’t.

Geez his family sound awful!

OF COURSE getting married in private is an option! If that's what you want to do, and I highly recommend it, then that's what you do. If people are upset about it, WHO CARES. I promise they will get over it. You're a grown woman with 2 children, it's time to live by your own rules.

It sounds more like you don't want to marry into his family than that you don't necessarily want to marry him. Which given what you've said is very understandable.

You're young, you have a lot on your plate, you've had a tough time of it. This is just too much - so stall. Talk to your DP and say it's more than you can cope with right now and can you think about it in a couple of years. If he doesn't get it - well then maybe that will tell you whether you have a future with him.

No definitely, that's true. That's partly why I've wrote this thread as well with the one post to another and why I mentioned the baby and not feeling too supported by him.
I do have a lot of love for him and care. He is a good soul but definitely a bit useless when it comes to helping me. Although since he's been back he's helped a lot and I'm hoping it shocked him but we will see. Partly about the marriage thing as well as mental health, his family and too much going on.
I'm not too sure what to do. The first step for me like people have said is counselling and edmr which I'm waiting for. Having the baby and getting things straight before I can even consider it. We have never split up. But if it wasn't for dc the past few weeks I would've.
But I think I do want that future. I want a family and to be involved as a family of four together. That's how I see it in rose tinted glasses. But that's another reason why I'm worried. What if it never improves? What if for now is just because I kicked him out and he had a shock over it and realised and it goes back to normal? I told my mom today that I was in no rush to be married and then he suddenly mentions it out of the blue and he's never done it before.
Is he trying to secure it? His quality of life? Is it me being really unreasonable? Is it mental health from both sides? It's a big mess. I'd never bring dcs into this way of thinking because I want it to work so badly if it stays this way.

Sounds sensible to delay marriage for now, Forevertired - you definitely don't sound certain of anything at the moment.