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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not marry him **edited by MNHQ to say that some of the content is upsetting**

53 replies

Forevertired19 · 11/03/2018 21:04

I feel awful typing this to be honest.

Dp wanted to propose since my 20th birthday. I'd been with him happily for 2 years by this point and we've had huge highs and lows. He's never betrayed me or anything like that, just we've been in some awful situations together that perhaps he didn't support me too well in, but they affected him too so I'm not overly bothered. We lost a baby after my brother committed suicide and I was dealing with the grief as well as the loss of a baby. But it affected dp really bad so Its understandable that there wasn't that much support from him.
So we tried so hard for dd and i was told I'd never have children. I bought her into the world last April and I'm currently expecting ds this month. He proposed whilst I was carrying dd. I was really excited to get married. But now it just seems like it's the right thing to do with two dc?
We moved out together etc and we're happy. I wish we had more money etc but we are okay. We have our health and that's all we need.
Dont get me wrong. I do love him and care so deeply for him. If we split up I wouldn't want anyone else and we are very committed.
Funnily enough my mom mentioned our wedding earlier and it got me thinking.. I'm in no rush. I'm 22, he's 27... Just all of it seems so young to me now and like it's rushed. But then he's never mentioned planning a wedding etc so I just presumed as recently he's not been spending much time with me that he wasn't too fussed. Maybe he thought it was just the right thing to do because we have our children. But he suddenly bought it up at dinner today that he wants to start planning after baby boy is born..
It just seems too.. Rushed for me? I'm not sure. I do want to get married one day I suppose but I just can't see it happening at all. There's no glimpse of it and no desire to plan it anymore.
Has anyone ever felt the same? He's dead set on it now but maybe this is all my insecurities and depression getting in the way? I just don't feel good enough anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forevertired19 · 11/03/2018 22:20

@roundaboutthetown definitely not. I'm not too sure where to start either on sorting myself out. That's the thing. The waiting list is 5 months long here for any sort of help.

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 11/03/2018 22:26

No rush - as you have pointed out, you are still very young. If not certain about marriage being the right thing, don't do it. It clearly isn't just the whole party and cost thing that is bothering you about it. You will be in a better place in time, just not now. It is not right of his family to be putting pressure on you.

LemonysSnicket · 11/03/2018 22:30

If it’s about the money then go to a registry office?

Gide · 11/03/2018 22:31

Don’t let them rush you. I think it’s far more important that he gets a job, ffs! How does he propose funding the wedding?

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 11/03/2018 22:37

Exactly and he hasn't been the best to me at all recently. As pp mentioned, I wrote on another thread about 2 weeks ago I kicked him out and he wouldnt leave. Admittedly now looking back it was a minor thing and I became ill with dd and needed him and that support. He's been amazing since but what if this doesn't last? As much as I want it to because I genuinely can't imagine being with anyone else than him.
But he has a lot to sort out and so do I and it just seems so rushed. I feel too young and unsure. For me.. An I may ruffle some feathers here, I want the same name as my children. That's the only benefit for me right now and its.. I don't know. With mental health and him suddenly making the effort and never mentioning it before, it's like is he just trying to secure this? What was an easy life for him. It's not now as I'm not lifting a finger apart from to Co parent dd. But the cleaning etc I'm not doing anymore because it hurts so much to.
Its just worried me. If it stays like this, great. But what if its temporary and I commit to this? I'm not in the best frame of mind. I'm not grieving anymore but just I think really depressed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/03/2018 22:47

If you are not sure about the relationship don't get married Thanks

colouringinagain · 11/03/2018 22:54

It sounds like far too much has happened recently (so sorry about your brother and baby), and is still happening - new baby on the way - for you to deal with the idea of getting married now.

Could you say to your partner that it's too much to think about at the moment, let's talk about it again in 6 months time? If he loves you and understands how tough things are, he will agree.
If your partner loves you

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 11/03/2018 23:44

Just want to say thank you ladies.
Just looked at him and realised I can't do it. Like a pp said, there's red flags and I suppose the thought of him mentioning it and wanting it got me somewhat excited at first enough to reconsider it and one again it put that hope in my mind things will get better. It's not happening and I doubt it ever will. I can't keep letting myself get hurt.
Most likely staying together but a seperation if it comes to it is better than a divorce.
The nice times are lovely with us being a family of soon to be four. But I can't keep subjecting myself to hoping the situation will get better. I think I know deep down it won't just like everyone else.
I just need to focus on my two children and myself.
I may not have any self worth. But I can still protect myself and marriage to him.. I don't think would work.
I just want us to be a family and together for our children and as long as we are civil etc that's all that matters right now. We will see how things pan out. 😔

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 11/03/2018 23:55

I don't think you want to get married yet - the finance thing is a red herring. If my BF wanted to marry me i would happily do it with no notice on a weekday afternoon in a registry office in jeans and wellies. the wedding doesn't count - the marriage does. it is not unreasonable to not be sure - of course it isn't but you need to figure out which route you want to take and talk to him.

Orlandointhewilderness · 11/03/2018 23:56

oh god so sorry - didn't see your update while i was typing. i really hope you find what you need and have a good way forward. xx

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/03/2018 23:58

Wise decision.

Don’t forget, you and your two beautiful children can be a family.

Don’t be railroaded by them

TheJoyOfSox · 12/03/2018 00:06

Does the thought of inviting his parents and your parents to a registry office and then a lovely meal together really sound too bad?
That way you could be married for about £70 for a license plus the cost of dress, rings and a bouquet.
You already have two children together so you have your commitment, marriage just makes it all official. (And a intimate little gathering of just you two and both sets of parents means you don’t have to be forced into grandmas choice of bridesmade)
I may be wrong, but it sounds like pregnancy hormones talking. That baby brain thing can kick at any time.

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 12/03/2018 00:10

I think it's more of a realisation. I think I know well enough why he's said it. He has an easy life here and he wants to keep his foot in the door and play on my feelings into thinking its going to be OK and happy again.
The idea of a wedding is nice. But I don't think it's on my cards in my life.
I think I said earlier I wouldn't want anyone else. It's true. I don't. At all. I just want my children and that's all I need. Thanks all x

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 12/03/2018 00:38

I think there's is something about marriage that makes you stop and really think about your future, where as you've previously drifted into daily life.

You've stopped and thought about your whole future and see what's lacking!

You are young and soon to Ben mom of 2, it will be hard work for the next year or so, you have time to consider what you want.

As for his family tell them you get married when your ready - no rush - thanks for asking! Avoid all questions on who why what where so they can't decide for you! A quick Oh I have decided yet - move on - they just want a party

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 12/03/2018 00:53

They do.
The thing is he moved back with them when I'd kicked him out so they know something is wrong. I don't know what they know as he wouldn't tell them and he's very private and deals with things on his own. But they just want a piss up. Which isn't me anyway. Excessive drinking worries me terrible so I wouldn't enjoy the day anyway

OP posts:
AltheaorDonna · 12/03/2018 00:58

Don't marry him. Don't let them bully you into it.

littletinyme1 · 12/03/2018 02:12

Marriage is back on the agenda as a reaction to you putting your foot down and licking him out. He thinks you won't be able to do that once you are married.

I am aghast that you are too young to get serious and get married, but not too young to bring to babies into the world with a man you don't want to commit to, who isn't always helpful and who doesn't have a job to support either you or your children. Why are you rushing to have 2 babies?

You sound completely bemused by where you find yourself. Its not up to his family to make ypu do anything. I certainly wouldn't be marrying him or having any (more) babies with him.

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 12/03/2018 07:04

I don't want any more babies with him. As awful as it sounds I didn't want the one I'm carrying.
My contraceptive failed and we found out late and by that point I didn't want to get rid of him. I can't do it. But believe me, it was not planned.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2018 08:58

I think it's Women's Aid you need to chat to. Because I think you actually need to get this man out of your life as much as possible. He wants a 'wife&kids' to prop up his self-image and placate his (presumably rather traditional) family, and for you to provide him with uncomplaining domestic service and childcare. I think his treatment of you will get slowly worse, because men who don't consider their partners fully human rarely change for the better.

roundaboutthetown · 12/03/2018 14:47

There are definitely too many red flags there for it to be sensible for you to marry your partner now, Forevertired. I hope things work out well for you one way or the other in the future. Don't let anyone rush you into anything. You are not reacting this way because you are depressed - you are reacting this way because you are sensible.

FrogFairy · 12/03/2018 15:41

recently he's not been spending much time with me

You are very wise to not marry him, given the above and everything else that has happened you. Concentrate on your children and you own well-being. Don’t be bullied into a wedding you don’t want.

Pinkvoid · 12/03/2018 15:54

You don’t have to get married if you don’t want to, this is 2018 after all. I personally have zero desire to ever get married and I don’t see that changing. You don’t need to justify not wanting to bother wasting money on a wedding you don’t fully want and definitely don’t need.

But I would add that getting married is far less a commitment than having children with someone so as far as ‘rushing into things’ goes, that ship has sailed.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/03/2018 17:26

Oh shit OP!

I'm so, so, sorry you've had all this going on...Flowers.

You've had such major losses with you bro and baby and them Ptsd on top of it all.

I disagree with the idea of 'baby brain' that others have mentioned ...

I suspect its the other way around... What you're feeling is the insecurity of a man that you most likely wouldn't be with if you hadn't had kids with him?

I think you're making excuses for his poor behaviour.. You really don't seem that 'into' him.

Re Names I'm pretty sure you can call your babies whatever you want... Many of my friends their kids took their name for example dad surname was Green and sje names the kids Brown (her surname).

Also of you really want his name? I don't suspect you do? It's more to do with your wanting to feel a family (understandable!) ... There's nothing stopping you calling yourself by his surname. I do this sometimes with my partner - sometimes when we're travelling etc...

His family sound appalling.... To me that would be an extra reason to not continue to be with him.

There are lots of useful stuff legally about being married..

I don't think thats your problem... I think it's an unsupportive arse of a boyfriend... (of he can't support you in these circumstances... When exactly CAN he support you.

Please don't feel there is something 'wrong' in you. What you're feeling is completely normal given all the things that thane happened.

Please give yourself time and space to heal.

Stuff his family. Stuff their idea of their wedding...

YOU are worth so much more than this

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/03/2018 17:38

I think you need to ask your GP to expedite your sessions for ptsd. It's too much for anyone to have to cope with...

I think also you would do well to go on waiting lost for Relate (relationship counselling) and have some sessions on your own to sort out your complex feelings about him... I think you need someone outside that is an expert and has no vested interest whether you stay together or not..

You're young... Can you really see yourself wanting to be with him when you're 30?40?50? If that idea doesn't excite you...may he better to consider your future..

I do wonder if your boyfriend has realised that you're feeling meh towards him , so he's desperate now to nail you down to marry him

KimmySchmidt1 · 12/03/2018 17:43

I am baffled as to how marriage can seem to rushed but bringing two human beings into the world and being responsible for them with him not feel rushed?!?!?!

Marriage is a really good stable grounding for bringing up your children together and it affords you a better set of legal rights should he leave you stranded in your late thirties with two kids.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t get married?