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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned with friends relationship?

91 replies

lunaloner · 11/03/2018 18:14

One of my close friends is 25 and her boyfriend has just turned 40. They were 21 and 36 when they got together. Now don't get me wrong, he's an absolutely lovely bloke and they are very happy, I was a bit wary at first hearing about the age gap but he's been around for so long and they are happy so I just got used to it and kind of forgot about it. I've met him lots of times and he doesn't seem his age and he does look younger, he's a very fun character. However she's just announced they are expecting a baby this year and I feel horrible for feeling this way, but I'm a little concerned. They are both so happy as are their family's.. but I'm just worried that it may not be noticeable now but what happens when she's 35 and he's 50.. they'll have a 10 year old and they want more kids so likely younger children too and I fear the age gap will really become noticeable then. I know it's not my place and my concerns won't change anything.. she's pregnant, engaged and in love. I just really fear for when his age catches up with him... AIBU?

OP posts:
greendale17 · 11/03/2018 19:17

It's really not an unusually large age gap.

^Nonsense. 15 years is a large age gap

FatBottomedGal · 11/03/2018 19:23

I have a slightly different opinion on this because I’m the child of a much older dad (he was 56 when I was born, passed away when I was 29 and he was 84). Although during their younger years the age gap didn’t really bother either of my parents, when my dad got older and less able, my mum became his carer. She resented him for this, although of course she would have done anything for him, and it was horrible to see if I’m honest. I felt too young to lose my dad to “old age” and going through that was really tough as well as none of my friends could really understand it.

Not saying this will be the case for all couples with an age gap (appreciate my parent’s was quite big at 17 years) but it has made me very aware of the issues that can occur. So I do get your worry but there isn’t anything you can do about it really Sad

RebelRogue · 11/03/2018 19:25

I was 26 when my dad died at 58. Life sucks.

Fruitcocktail6 · 11/03/2018 19:26

I don't think it is. And lots of people on this thread alone have said they have/know people/parents have a similar or bigger age gap. DP and I have nine years and it's barely noticeable.

TryptoFan · 11/03/2018 19:26

Thought this was going to be about the age gap.

I'm 25 and wouldn't date a 40 year old. Too much life experience comapred to me I wouldn't feel his equal.

TryptoFan · 11/03/2018 19:27

My mum had me at 40 and dad was 47.

appleblossomtree · 11/03/2018 19:28

I find many 50 year old men attractive! I think you really don't need to spend time worrying about her relationship.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 11/03/2018 19:28

It's nothing to do with you, and why do you think families has an apostrophe? Spend your time worrying about your grammar!

PencilledIn · 11/03/2018 19:31

There's a 1 in 3 chance that a married couple would split up and they have a huge age gap and they're not married, but that doesn't mean that their child won't be loved and happy! I agree with you that it's an unattractive age gap from her POV but people get together and have chldren and split up all the time.

DonnaGfinallyP · 11/03/2018 19:33

My parents have a 13 year age gap. They married when Mum was 17 & Dad was 30.... they celebrated their 40th Wedding Anniversary this week. I would say the age gap has only just a started to show, they are now 57 & 70. But having said that they are happy, age is just a number at the end of the day.

Foodylicious · 11/03/2018 19:33

I was 9 when mum died at 32.
My dad had his first heart attack later that year at 35 and has since had 2 more and 3 strokes.
He is still ticking along at 67.

Life is so unpredictable.
I have spent a lot of my working life working with 'older' people and/or caring environments.

Those in their 50s who have had really severe strokes and needed full nursing care. And those 99 or 100+ who have been pretty independent still.

YellowFlower201 · 11/03/2018 20:11

This gave me a good laugh OP! Grin

Original poster
lunaloner · 11/03/2018 21:40

Don't see why some people are being so nasty... I have said it comes from a place of love. She's been my friend for 20 years and I AM happy she's happy, I was just worried how age gaps always get more noticeable with age and I didn't want her to end up hurting. I appreciate i can't change it, I just wanted opinions on whether I was being unreasonable even being concerned.

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 11/03/2018 21:43

DH and I have a 13 year age gap and a beautiful son.

What's your point?

Foodylicious · 11/03/2018 21:45

How do you 'know' age gaps always get worse with age?
I find that an odd thing to state as fact.

Original poster
lunaloner · 11/03/2018 21:50

I have often heard that sorry - I know people SAY age gaps get worse with age. Honestly I was just trying to see whether people thought she may one day regret the age gap or whether as long as she's happy that's what matters. Obviously the latter is what the majority here thinks and that's great. That settles my worries and that's that, I'm not some horrible monster just for having a moment of concern.

OP posts:
MotherofaSurvivor · 11/03/2018 22:15

My Mum was 40 and my Dad 45 when I was born and the huge age & life divide between us was awful to be fair. I ended up losing my Dad at 26. For that reason alone I won't be having anymore kids past 35/36 but I don't judge others for doing so? Absolutely not. It's their decision

RebelRogue · 11/03/2018 22:20

@lunaloner and what if knock wood she gets poorly or god forbid dies first?

Gide · 11/03/2018 22:21

If it’s coming from a place of love (where the hell is the rolleyes smiley?!) then just be happy for them. Their relationship is none of your damned business.

MarklahMarklah · 11/03/2018 22:26

My friend is 40 and has a 3 year old. Her husband is 55. They seem to be getting along just fine.

honeylulu · 11/03/2018 22:32

We had our first child when I was 30 and my husband was 44. We are fine and he's a great husband/dad after 23 years together.

Don't clutch your pearls too hard or piss your judgey pants but he was 53 when we had our youngest.

He's stood the test of time better than various friends younger husbands who often fucked off without so much as a by your leave.

IndieTara · 11/03/2018 22:35

I'm 51 had a baby at 42 and feel 30. What's the problem ?

DippyDiplodocus · 11/03/2018 22:50

There are 15 years between my parents and both my sister and I turned out alright.
I don't give the age gap between my parents a second thought because they are happy and it isn't my business. Not a lot I could do about it even if it was!
Leave them to it op and be happy for them.

Raven88 · 11/03/2018 22:54

That age gap isn't that bad my mum and stepdad are about ten years apart. There is nothing wrong with worrying about your friends but it's not your place to say anything. Also people live longer nowadays.

thecatsarecrazy · 12/03/2018 05:26

My dh is 40 and we have a 1 year old. Im 36

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