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Original poster

My sister in law hates me, please help

73 replies

Lost88 · 11/03/2018 17:51

Hi everyone,

I have read many topics on here and thought maybe someone can give me a good advice. We've been married for a year, both 30 and trying for a baby. My husband is close to his family. From the beginning I felt his sister didn't like me and i tried to always make an effort - unsucesfully, even thought she's 11 years younger! She's actually very rude and has a bad attitude which everyone knows but tolerates it because she's "their princess" if you know what I mean...
She always ignores my presence, never intrested in what I want to say, speak directly to my husband without including me. Last year for my MIL bday she bought a present with my husband - without including me, my husbandd doesn't care for bdays so he didnt' give a second thought but deeply apologised to me after I told him I feel about it. On numerous ocassions she's been rude to me, rolled her eyes or said quietly something to her boyfriend about me. Few weeks ago I just asked my husband to make sure that Mother's day this year won't be the same as my MIL's bday lasy year and I asked what we need to buy for his Mum etc. So today went to buy flowers, card etc. Just before i left i realised there was a seperate card from My husband and his sister together to my MIL, it made me feel idiotic because one card from me and my husband and another one from my husband and his sister. I asked my husband about and he said that he didnt ask his sister to do that. It really gets me because my husband is oblivious to it and when i try to say anything he always thinks I am oversentsitive because I've got an anxiety and i have a history of taking things too personally etc... There has been plenty of situations where has been clear to me that she's got a problem with me. It's really hard to me because I don't have a family in the UK other than my huband. Going forward I really don't know how to handle this situation as I really don't feel comfortable around her and don't want to argue with my husband. I was wondering if there's anyone who could give me some sort of advice....

OP posts:
IAmWonkoTheSane · 11/03/2018 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flockoftreegulls · 11/03/2018 17:59

No advice I'm afraid but my Sil hates me too.
We were friendly (she was friends with my sister) before I got together with DH. Been together 20 years and married for 14. Still don't know what I have done.
I have given up and just ignore her. I'm lucky though as DH thinks she is a dick.
Sorry, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

QuiteLikely5 · 11/03/2018 18:00

Accept that you cannot change others but you can change how you respond to them.

Always be civil to her but make no effort.

Avoid her where possible

Try not to think about her

This is never going to be the ideal inlaw situation. Accept that and focus on other things

MrsMaxwell · 11/03/2018 18:01

Most of my OH family hate me Grin

I do however adore my FILS partner who I wished a happy mother’s day today xx

TheQueenOfWands · 11/03/2018 18:02

SiL can be a bit like this.

Almost as though she thinks DP is her husband.

It's very odd.

RhiWrites · 11/03/2018 18:03

Regardless of the fact your SIL is hostile and excluding you, the bigger issue is that your husband is inconsiderate and dismissive of your feelings.

You say you don’t want to argue with him but you need to recognise that “the peace is already broken”. The current situation is hurting you. By ignoring it your husband is saying that your feelings aren’t as important as his.

You need to have a proper conversation about this. Ideally he would tell his sister not to leave you out again - not because it upsets you but because it upsets him to see his wife left out.

When he isn’t bothered or says you’re being over sensitive he’s dismissing your feelings, he’s dismissing your need to be included.

You need to fix this before having a child with this man.

Thedogsmells · 11/03/2018 18:03

Regardless of anything else, why are you buying and signing a present to his mum? She's not your mother? A card and gift from the two of them is far more logical.

KimmySchmidt1 · 11/03/2018 18:03

Be the peacemaker. Just rise above it and try not to take it personally.

Also don’t expect too much - they are a family and you have to let them be a family. It will take time for you to be integrated and you will never be as close as they are - it has to be on their terms so just pace yourself and don’t force it.

cucaracha · 11/03/2018 18:07

ignore ignore ignore

she likes the attention and the drama, if you are not involved, you won't even notice, she will be fuming.

Be civil when you have to be around her, don't engage, you are there for the long run, you will have many years to laugh (silently) at her misfortunes. just prepare to put your foot down when your baby arrives, your baby, your rules. Once your baby will grow, she will either ignore him, or try to play the lovely aunty. Trust me, by then you will enjoy the peace and quiet for 5 minutes and leave her entertain the child.

tearsbybedtime · 11/03/2018 18:21

Whatever she does Try smiling serenely , it will kill her, trust me this works, don't let her EVER see she has got to you

Hellywelly10 · 11/03/2018 18:25

She is much younger than you. I think you need to let it go.

JustmylifeA · 11/03/2018 18:26

Sounds like something I could’ve written myself. My SIL has always done the same. The family knows she has bad attitude but it’s shrugged off- my husband deals with it a lot better now that he’s seen the things she’s done firsthand, but 8 years on, nothing has changed. Ignore her and continue doing what you would usually do.

Sunshineboo · 11/03/2018 18:27

I agree with tearsbybedtime... continue as you are but make a super thankful, public and kind remark whenever she does this. Like “awww look at this lovely card from sil and she has included you on it dh. How kind of sil” then smile and sit down.

If she is doing this because she does not like you then this will annoy her more than any other possible outcome.

KatieKittens · 11/03/2018 18:30

I wouldn’t overthink the card. Me and my partner have been living together for a few years but still send cards and give gifts with our siblings to our parents.

We both have one sibling and they are single. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but maybe this will change once our siblings have long term partners.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 11/03/2018 18:31

I think we could do with more examples of her bad behaviour. The gift/card thing sounds like this is probably how they’ve been doing things for a while. My sister and I often get our mum a joint card/present and I would find it a bit odd if her husband got weird about that- she isn’t your mother.
Your husband could just have been trying to keep the peace by signing both cards?

theWarOnPeace · 11/03/2018 18:31

I can’t see the issue with the cards/gifts. As it’s their mum, I can see why they would possibly get her a joint gift. I don’t think it’s that deep, or personal to you. I don’t get my DH involved in buying for my mum and vice versa. If I had a sibling that I loved, I can see how we might choose something for our mum together. The ignoring and being rude to you is not acceptable, but at 11 years your junior, is she just being young and rude in general?

Lethaldrizzle · 11/03/2018 18:32

Why do you need to get involved with mothers day stuff for his mum?

Floofborkboopandsnoot · 11/03/2018 18:33

She’s 19 right? I wouldn’t let it bother you. She is much younger and obviously less mature, be civil but other than that don’t make any sort of special effort for her.

ElspethFlashman · 11/03/2018 18:33

Shes 19 and snotty with it.

Ignore her. Say a bright and breezy "how are you? Hows things?" when you meet and consider your duty to have been done.

Btw I didn't put my name on my MILs card. Its not common practise to send cards on Mother's Day to your MIL. Ironically his sister was more correct there.

YearOfYouRemember · 11/03/2018 18:33

Nothing wrong with sending inlaws a card. Dh has sent his mum flowers and a card but he's put it from him and me. She's my mother in law..

vespertillio · 11/03/2018 18:34

My SIL does this - think it is sort of ok re. the mothers' day card but she always always gets dh gifts to do with their childhood, insists on sitting beside him if we're visiting their parents' house, whispers 'in' jokes only they'd get, and passes remarks about me - if I ask him to do anything (eg pass me a nappy) she rolls her eyes and makes snide comments about him being wrapped around my finger. Etc. Haven't a clue what to do, makes for a pretty hostile atmosphere.

PerspicaciaTick · 11/03/2018 18:36

My sister and I often buy joint presents for our parents. I would be furious if either of our DHs tried to forbid it, ti would be very weird and controlling.

Iloveacurry · 11/03/2018 18:37

She’s young and immature. I would just ignore her .. just look at her and don’t acknowledge. She’ll either get bored or eventually grow up.

borlottibeans · 11/03/2018 18:38

She's 19! You can't react to her like you would someone your own age behaving like this. You can only win this by rising above it, and probably being really, really nice to her so that she looks (even more) like an arsehole when she's rude back. Pretend you don't notice the eye rolling etc.

This might actually provoke her into doing something even ruder to try and get a reaction out of you, which will help you enormously because it will then be harder for everyone else to pretend that her behaviour is acceptable.

PoorYorick · 11/03/2018 18:41

In similar situations, if I honestly (really honestly) can't think of anything I've done to annoy them, I've found the best strategy is to act as though I can't tell they're being off with me, and being as nice and friendly and polite as I am to everyone else.

Almost every time they've eventually got bored of getting no bites, and realised that since I've never let on that I can tell what they're doing, they can just switch to being nice to me without losing face.

Wouldn't say it works every single time, but it's the best tactic I've ever found.

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