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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sister in law hates me, please help

73 replies

Lost88 · 11/03/2018 17:51

Hi everyone,

I have read many topics on here and thought maybe someone can give me a good advice. We've been married for a year, both 30 and trying for a baby. My husband is close to his family. From the beginning I felt his sister didn't like me and i tried to always make an effort - unsucesfully, even thought she's 11 years younger! She's actually very rude and has a bad attitude which everyone knows but tolerates it because she's "their princess" if you know what I mean...
She always ignores my presence, never intrested in what I want to say, speak directly to my husband without including me. Last year for my MIL bday she bought a present with my husband - without including me, my husbandd doesn't care for bdays so he didnt' give a second thought but deeply apologised to me after I told him I feel about it. On numerous ocassions she's been rude to me, rolled her eyes or said quietly something to her boyfriend about me. Few weeks ago I just asked my husband to make sure that Mother's day this year won't be the same as my MIL's bday lasy year and I asked what we need to buy for his Mum etc. So today went to buy flowers, card etc. Just before i left i realised there was a seperate card from My husband and his sister together to my MIL, it made me feel idiotic because one card from me and my husband and another one from my husband and his sister. I asked my husband about and he said that he didnt ask his sister to do that. It really gets me because my husband is oblivious to it and when i try to say anything he always thinks I am oversentsitive because I've got an anxiety and i have a history of taking things too personally etc... There has been plenty of situations where has been clear to me that she's got a problem with me. It's really hard to me because I don't have a family in the UK other than my huband. Going forward I really don't know how to handle this situation as I really don't feel comfortable around her and don't want to argue with my husband. I was wondering if there's anyone who could give me some sort of advice....

OP posts:

GetoutofthatGarden · 11/03/2018 20:58

I don't think there's anything wrong with siblings sending joint cards/presents. The rest of your OP - she sounds like a pain in the arse and very rude. If I were you, next time she rolls her eyes at you...stop and ask her what's wrong, call her out on it every time.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/03/2018 20:59

She sounds like a brat OP. I wonder if she feels threatened by you somehow? Jealous even? As much as I can tell this upsets you, you've got a couple of options. You can either pull her up and ask tell her you're not having any more of her shit ( which possibly could make things worse but not a given ) or you do as others have suggested and ignore her. Other than a smile when you first see her, after that you just blank her. Move away from her, talk to anyone else nearby.

She's young and might grow out it but she might not. She's not worth you getting upset over though.

Original poster

Lost88 · 11/03/2018 21:03

thanks rothbury , no - this is the first time I posted on this forum

OP posts:

gottachangethename1 · 11/03/2018 21:11

I agree with totally ignoring. Mine isn’t keen on me, but I smile brightly when I see her and encourage dh to spend time with her (without me) that way I don’t have to spend too much time enduring her childish behaviour (she’s 53!) and she doesn’t feel she’s losing out on time with her brother. Everyone’s happy.

bimbobaggins · 11/03/2018 21:11

I would definitely try to ignore and don’t try to kill with kindness. Fuck that pandering to her , it sounds like what everyone else does so no need for that. Cut back on your involvement with her.

Vangoghsear · 11/03/2018 21:12

She is just an immature teenager! Don't take it so personally.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 11/03/2018 21:51

Not trying to offend you OP, just asking a genuine question.

Flamingo84 · 11/03/2018 21:59

She’s 19 and still seems to be in moody teen territory (even though she should have grown out of it!).

As your DH is so much older than her I wonder if she’s felt a bit threatened by you? If you’ve been together since she was a bit younger she might have been a bit jealous of your relationship with him.

Having an older brother (by more than just a handful of years) sometimes you end up being closer with them than if they were nearer your age. They’re old enough to have more patience, the time/money/will to take you out for the day etc. Just a guess but it may be the case that she felt a bit pushed out when you got together and it’s snowballed from there?

Regardless, she shouldn’t be treating you this way and I certainly hope she grows out of it.

Gide · 11/03/2018 22:17

My SIL does this - think it is sort of ok re. the mothers' day card but she always always gets dh gifts to do with their childhood, insists on sitting beside him if we're visiting their parents' house, whispers 'in' jokes only they'd get, and passes remarks about me - if I ask him to do anything (eg pass me a nappy) she rolls her eyes and makes snide comments about him being wrapped around my finger. Etc. Haven't a clue what to do, makes for a pretty hostile atmosphere.

I’d go properly fucking batshit on her just one time, full on screaming, frighten the shit out of her, get right up close to her and do a number on her eg ‘Just what the fuck is your problem with me getting MY husband to help me change OUR baby, you stupid cow?!’ Guarantee she won’t do it again. Pick your tim8ng carefully, preferably not in front of you pil!!

Tell her (don’t ask) to move if you want to sit next to your husband, but ensure your dh is on board and will back you up. You need to put him in the picture if you’re going to do this.

Queenoftheblitz · 11/03/2018 22:29

My friend's teenage SIL was like this 15 years ago. My friend is no pushover but she didm't rise to it. After all this time SIL grew up, evetually apologised for her awful behaviour and they both love each other now.
Don't drag yourself down to her level, keep your cool and ignore.

Original poster

Lost88 · 12/03/2018 09:15

Thank you everyone for your advice. I can clearly see how much this is affecting my marriage as when I tried to have a conversation with my husband which ended up in argument and we are now not talking. He doesn't have a clue how to deal with this.

OP posts:

LucyAutumn · 12/03/2018 09:39

Kill her with kindness. And make sure everyone sees it.

Snowyhere2018 · 12/03/2018 10:23

She's barley out of her childhood. Just ignore the silly moo.

Mothers day = present from them seems reasonable. I never sent my Mil as mother's day card, that was up to DH.

MIL birthday = get DH to think ahead and either tell his sister that has a present sorted or suggest it's from all 3 of you.

Other than that just be bright and breezy and ignore her juvenile behaviour.

DaisyInTheChain · 12/03/2018 10:31

There comes a time where this little madam needs to see herself as a sole entity. If she was DH's twin I might kinda get it. In this situation wouldn't it be better giving her parents a card from her & her BF.

If you don't stop it now, you never will. If she's short on cash, suggest DH give her the money to get something. She really needs to put on her big girl pants now, she needs to be independent.

I hope you managed to get this resolved yesterday, it's odd giving two cards.

SIL is at 'that' age, she's possibly been made the baby of the family so as well as being Daddy's princess, she wants to be her brothers princess too.

How does this work when you have children, will he send 3 cards.

I can see why it's really annoying, really hope you're ok now.

WorkingBling · 12/03/2018 10:45

I think you have to let the mothers day and birthday present stuff go (although I see no reason why birthday or christmas presents can't be from you, dh and SIL together). Lots of siblings gang together to get gifts for other family members. DH should just remember to insist your name is included.

However, for the rest, she's young and immature. Clearly. She's 11 years younger than you and in a completely different place. You cannot be friends with this GIRL. As she grows up, hopefully that will change. SIL is only slightly younger than me but was incredibly immature when DH and I met. She was still a student, partying all the time etc etc. At first, I found her incredibly frustrating until i realised I was trying to treat her like an equal and she wasn't. Once I switched to seeing her as a much younger sibling, it was a lot easier. And now, 15 years later, she's a mum herself, professionally successful etc and we get on very well.

For example, at 19, I remember we thought any couple who were too in each others' pockets were ridiculous. We were all about independence, even if we were loved up. Now of course, I realise that long-term relationships are more complex and you genuinely become a single team especially once kids and finances are in the picture. But at 19, if someone I considered a friend was like that, I'd have been outraged. She probably sees you and DH that way - can't understand why he's not more "independent" and why you have to be involved in everything.

Be polite, ignore bad behaviour and/or get DH to address major things and wait for her to grow up.

Peanutbuttercheese · 12/03/2018 11:38

My SIL behaviour and DH being a passive person and scared of her actually caused my marriage of twenty years to break up. We are thankfully back together.

It came to a head when she hit my DS. I refused to see her at all and her foot is not to cross my threshold, he couldn't accept it so we argued for months about my refusal, he accepts it now. He can see her whenever he wants. She made the mistake of sending me a long lecturing sarcastic nasty email it was concrete evidence of her evilness. DH was taken aback.

She has never ever liked me mainly because I took away her little playmate. They holidayed together till I came along.

Your SIL is very young and when young we are allowed to be a little bit rubbish at relationships and think we know it all. Hopefully she will grow out of her attitude.

nellieellie · 12/03/2018 11:45

I agree with the MIL Mother’s Day card. I wouldn’t worry about a joint card from your DH and sister. She is clearly jealous of you, but she is just 19 and behaving like a silly child. I’d concentrate really hard on thinking of her as a child, and that her behaviour is irritating, but a bit funny as well - more in the eye rolling, rueful grin category as though she were an unruly teenager. She is not a threat to you, so don’t give her power by letting it get to you.

Trinity66 · 12/03/2018 11:51

There isn't much you can do to change how she behaves but you can try to not let her get to you so much. I'd probably try to avoid her company as much as possible though.

YoThePussy · 12/03/2018 12:03

When’s her birthday? I would be very tempted to get her a dummy and a picture book for her present. Wouldn’t help though.

Original poster

Lost88 · 12/03/2018 12:26

YoThePussy sadly it was in January and she's been given cash! Little bitch.

OP posts:

YoThePussy · 12/03/2018 12:44

There’s always next Christmas!

Original poster

Lost88 · 12/03/2018 12:55

Thank you for making me laugh :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Lost88 · 12/03/2018 18:34

Thank you everyone xxxx

OP posts:

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