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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a little disappointed by this birthday "present".

123 replies

BrownIsTheColour · 11/03/2018 16:56

Ok, to start with I do feel awkward about this and am willing to be flamed for being an uncharitable cow..but I need to express...
Last week I celebrated my birthday, and, as Facebook invited me to do so, I did one of those things where you nominate a charity to support on your big day. I didn't really know what I was doing, I thought it was a bit of fun and thought it was more to promote awareness than actually raise money, so I picked a charity and thought no more of it. I wasn't expecting anyone to actually donate, or if they did, maybe a quid or so.
Anyway, on the big day I received a notification that a very close friend had made a big donation to this charity. I was quite chuffed but then I read the message "better than vouchers" and I suddenly realised that this mate had made the donation instead of getting me a present.
So here's where the uncharitable cow comes in. I was quite disappointed when I realised I won't be getting a pressie. The thing is, this friend, just a couple of weeks ago, had specifically asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I had said I would quite like some vouchers for a certain shop. I was going to use the vouchers to put towards a big purchase that this friend was aware I was saving up for.
I know it's ungrateful, and I know that the money has gone to a more deserving cause but I can't help feeling short changed. Couldn't this person have made a small donation and given me vouchers of slightly lesser value? Or donate and give me a pressie? Or even ask if I would have preferred this? This person is very well-off, by the way, so money isn't an issue. If nothing else, it also feels a wee bit lazy. So much easier to click a button on the computer than to go out and get a gift that you said you were going to get someone.
This person has regularly donated to charities on my behalf, albeit in much lesser amounts, when I've done sponsored events so I don't really get how they could think I would want them to do what they have done.
I feel shit about my reaction but also quite let down. I'm seeing this person next week for a belated celebration and I don't know how to react.
I know, on one level IABU but I'd like to know how other would feel in the same circumstances.

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 11/03/2018 17:06

Aw. Op. Sorry you didn't get the birthday you wanted. Flowers Cake and lesson learned for next year!

Unfortunately, all you can do is thank your friend.

tumblrpigeon · 11/03/2018 17:06

Beyond unreasonable.

kerryweaverscrutch · 11/03/2018 17:07

Oh dear, I've been a bit of a twat and a selfish bint to boot

Yeah, but you just gained a lot of ground back by seeing it and owning it! Wink

Mishappening · 11/03/2018 17:07

Dear oh dear - get a life!

tumblrpigeon · 11/03/2018 17:08

But it doesn’t make you a bad person!

Actually v kind of you to nominate a charity.
Can you tell us what one it was ? I’ll give a few quid and spread the love !

Jamhandprints · 11/03/2018 17:09

Most people who do the charity thing on fb do it to avoid getting lots of unwanted token presents. Your friend was very generous. Yabvvvvvu.

chills32045 · 11/03/2018 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

billybagpuss · 11/03/2018 17:11

Oops, lesson learnt I think.

Matter of interest, which charity did you chose?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 11/03/2018 17:12

Yes, any poster who gets a resounding YABU and responds ‘Ok, IABU and a massive twat’ instantly wins MN and is quite clearly actually a jolly good sort of person who has just been a bit silly.

seven201 · 11/03/2018 17:12

Yes yabvu, but you know that now!

BrownIsTheColour · 11/03/2018 17:15

Most people who do the charity thing on fb do it to avoid getting lots of unwanted token presents. Your friend was very generous./b>

This I get, and, absolutely, my friend was being very generous. And I have thanked her both personally, via text message, and on social media and will do so again in person when we meet.
It's because it's from a close buddy that I think I'm a bit thrown. I guess I thought that this campaign might gain a few quid from less close friends, the types who chuck a few coins into the virtual pot when I do sponsored events.
I now realise that I can't fault this friend at all. Lesson learned.

OP posts:
Chugalug · 11/03/2018 17:16

we all got goats one yr,well we didn't ,but someone in India did on our behalf ..we are vegans too...someone's idea of a joke I expect

BrownIsTheColour · 11/03/2018 17:17

@tumblrpigeon

www.stroke.org.uk/donate/make-donation

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 11/03/2018 17:18

Putting one of those things on of course means you don’t want gifts but if people would like to they should donate to Your chosen charity. YABVVU!

DalekDalekDalek · 11/03/2018 17:18

It is upsetting when you don't get a present from your friend for your 7th birthday. Were you hoping for a new Barbie?

You aren't really old enough to have a Facebook account so tell your parents so they can delete it for you.

PS yabu, you can't pretend to be all kind and charitable on Facebook and then be annoyed when someone gives to the charity.

BlondeB83 · 11/03/2018 17:19

Be happy that you’ve helped a good cause Smile

Sara107 · 11/03/2018 17:19

Yes, you are bu! Normally when people do this sort of thing, they are asking for a donation to charity in lieu of a gift! Your friend obviously thought you had changed your mind from vouchers for you to donation to charity, and gave generously! Be glad that you have done some good.

Lovemusic33 · 11/03/2018 17:19

I think the whole point of setting up a charity giving thing on FB is to suggest you want donations instead of gifts? I only really have one friend that gets me gifts for my birthday so I wouldn’t suggest a charity giving thing as I know no one on my Fb would bother Grin

I think YABU

doublebuddy · 11/03/2018 17:20

This is reminding me of that friends episode where joey and phoebe (I think) are arguing that there are no selfless acts. As even giving to charity makes you feel good therefore it's not selfless.

I think in this case OP we can say it was a selfless act Grin

(Totally get why you'd be quietly disappointed but am happy you're keeping it to yourself. You're a goodun)

Happy birthday!

bunbunny · 11/03/2018 17:20

Must admit I haven't seen any charity birthday things on Facebook... will be looking at the way they present it very carefully when my birthday comes around.

I can see how you are disappointed if you were looking forward to getting the money towards something and you hadn't realised that people would donate meaning that the thing you want is now going to take longer to save up for.

Can you 'undo' or hide the charity thing on your page so that nobody else falls into the same trap?

It sounds like it's not even a charity that you have a strong connection to but one chosen off a list of selections so not even something particularly close to your heart, which must make it doubly gutting.

Unfortunately I think you have to thank the present giver nicely otherwise it's going to come over as a kick in the face to them that they thought they were doing something you wanted, although I can see how you might not have realised that people would have interpreted like this if they were going to give you a big present...

If she does say something to you in person about it and you don't want to lie but don't want to be truthful either - something along the lines of 'what can I say - I'm speechless. It was very generous of you, I really wasn't expecting that...' is a fairly honest reaction without hopefully upsetting her or you.

Sounds like she hadn't got around to sorting the vouchers you wanted and saw this as an easy thing to do so your present would be done!!

GissASquizz · 11/03/2018 17:21

Kudos for owning up to being a twat. Everyone goes knobhead occasionally Grin

BrownIsTheColour · 11/03/2018 17:21

I've also just realised that my friend thinks I'm a much nicer person than I actually am. Bugger. And fuck.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/03/2018 17:22

@cafenoirbiscuit 😂😂😂

hks · 11/03/2018 17:24

persoanlly i think it was rude .. one of school friends died last week and her two kids are writing on facebook asking for donations from her facebook friends towards her funeral i found this sad that they feel the need to do this so soon

Iooselipssinkships · 11/03/2018 17:25

Was it for Oxfam? If not YABU but you know this now. Happy birthday!

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