To think my BIL is the most selfish man ever?

[QuestionableMouse]

Sis has a toddler and is pregnant with twins. She's had a bit of a rough pregnancy with her back and hips. I've just had her on the phone in tears because BIL hasn't even bothered to get a card from their little boy for her for Mothers day. He didn't even bother to make her a cuppa this morning before she went to work. (for context, he does three shifts a week while she does five of six).

I know he has form for this so text him on Thursday reminding him Mothers day was coming. He's now gone out with his mates and won't be back until after tea time...

I feel so bad for her that I'm considering buying a card and some flowers myself for her.

Blimey keep your nose out OP. When they've made up and are all lovey dovey it's you that's going to have the bad name not him.

I don't think you should have texted him at all on Thursday or today. If one of my in-laws texted me to remind me of Fathers day I would tell them to mind their own business and think fuck off.

Secondly, I'm always a bit about the fuss that is made about mothers / fathers day. It's commercialised crap, and if someone gets into tears about the lack of card, flowers or a cup of tea, I suspect that they need to have a look at their expectations and why they feel their self-worth is tied to a manufactured event.

I sent two texts. I'm not going to apologise for sending them. He's hopeless at remembering special days and while I normally wouldn't bother, she's been so down lately that not being thought of really upset her and she doesn't need the extra stress.

There was nothing bossy or nasty in any of the texts I sent.

I imagine he’s like this all the time and Mother’s Day just amplifies it. She needs to assess her situation

You’d Be far better texting your sister about how to extract herself from this crappy marriage. He isn’t going to change just because you text him.

But it means nothing if he's had to be told to do it OP, can't you see that? Nothing.

You sound like a really loving and caring sister OP.

Am I really the only person who read the OP and thought "so what?"

Cards and flowers on anniversaries. Cards and flowers on St Valentine's Day. Cards and flowers on Mothering Sunday. Etc etc. It's all overkill.

Whether he's really selfish depends on other things than commercially-promoted romantic gestures.

To be honest, if I'd been the DBil I'd have told the OP to back off.

I don’t think their relationship is any of your business. You should not have interfered. You’re going to make him hate you if he doesn’t already.

You are a good sister, Op. She is lucky to have you. I think you did the right thing. Often an abusive or unkind person will not think about what they’re doing unless a person who cares about who is being mistreated, speaks up.

I wouldn’t care if he hated you for interfering. He is not a nice or thoughtful person. He is more than selfish. She may not have known what he was like before she married him. People like him put on a front and then take off the mask after getting married. I would normally say not to interfere but in this case it was the right thing to do.

I wouldn't call a text that says 'she's upset' neutral, OP!

My dp actually bothered. It's my first mothers day so I don't know what to expect next year. But the delivery didn't turn up yesterday. My stepdad came over instead with chocolates. But both wished me happy mothers day etc.
I'd take her some. It'd probably cheer her up and if her dp is there it'll be a slap in the face. He wont forget it next year

Granny might like to do a handprint card with the toddler.

I would be livid with my sister if she interfered in my marriage like that. I'd also be pissed off that you didn't seem to respect that I'm an adult and I can talk to my own husband about him upsetting me.

You said he didn't bother last year and your sister decided to not do say anything about it and get pregnant again. She's making choices. They might be unwise ones but she's making them and you need to let her get on with it instead of swooping in to save the day.

I think in the world we live in we need more people, a lot of people, to swoop in and save the day a little bit.

Swoop in and save the day.

Really?

It was hardly swooping and saving the day. And no, we don’t need more enablers. We need more women to wake up and take responsibility for their own relationship decisions instead of continually procreating with shit partners then whingeing to anyone who will listen about how bad he is.

I was using loveeric’s phrase as you both well know. I didn’t pick it out of thin air. I’m talking about all of us speaking up generally on behalf of others. It’s not that hard to understand the concept.

Being obtuse on purpose does not help solve anything and is used as a bullying technique.

There is nothing wrong with op stepping in and saying something when she knows the person well. It’s not the end of the world. It’s like how dare she “interfere” with her bil who she feels is mistreating her sister, this goes beyond not getting a mother’s day gift, that is evident to all except for the inexplicable posters defending a selfish man’s actions and inactions.

There is nothing wrong with op stepping in and saying something when she knows the person well

She’s stepping in with the wrong person. She needs to be testing her sister and encouraging her to stand up for herself and sort her marriage out. Going to her BIL reeks of the sister having gone telling tales to mummy.

Btw do you mean me when you say people are defending this man?

Perhaps he's planning something for after she gets home from work?

Really? Why is the first response to a new thread always ridiculous?

Sympathise with you but the hardest thing to do is let loved ones make their own mistakes. Clearly from your POV your beloved sis has made a bad choice with hubby but until she realises this for herself you have to let her go through this crap. Next year and for birthday etc you could help the toddler make a card and maybe bake something or get a token gift from him/her assuming hubby hasn't. If nothing else it will be nice for the LO to do something kind for mummy.

Can you imagine the responses if a MIL texted an OP to remind them to do something for their son and follow it up with a text that he was upset? MN would implode.

Instead of getting over-involved you should have said something like 'well yeah we had this conversation last Mothers day, you didn't sort it out so why are you surprised?'. Then have a conversation with her about how she can improve communication in her marriage or find out just how shit her marriage is or whatever it is she needs to help HER make things better.

Not you interfering by texting him and buying her stuff to make her feel better. It's just enabling her to continue being unhappy but just crying about it to other people rather than doing anything productive.

Mother's Day may be commercial but it sounds like it matters to the sister. Making a cup of tea isn't hard. He could have mad a card and made biscuits or a cake with his child - would cost very little to do that if he is anti consumerism. Or avoid the aisle of tat and buy her something she wants anyway - likely to be more expensive but it's not tat.

Why does he only work 3 shifts whilst she works double? Wonder if he would be happy being left at home in pain, possibly struggling to walk if it's spd, while she goes out with her mates.

Why do you all think I'm not encouraging my sister to deal with him herself.... It's just at the moment she's got enough to cope with without him being an arse over mother's day.

But he had already been an arse by the time you got involved. He had already not bothered And she came on the phone to you in tears so you went bouldering in to tell him to go and get her something. So she literally came crying to you and the only reason she got something was because you bagged him. How pointless is that? How on earth can she enjoy her gift knowing he didn’t want to buy it and was nagged into it by her sister? It’s meaningless. Can’t you see that?