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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my BIL is the most selfish man ever?

78 replies

QuestionableMouse · 11/03/2018 10:51

Sis has a toddler and is pregnant with twins. She's had a bit of a rough pregnancy with her back and hips. I've just had her on the phone in tears because BIL hasn't even bothered to get a card from their little boy for her for Mothers day. He didn't even bother to make her a cuppa this morning before she went to work. (for context, he does three shifts a week while she does five of six).

I know he has form for this so text him on Thursday reminding him Mothers day was coming. He's now gone out with his mates and won't be back until after tea time...

I feel so bad for her that I'm considering buying a card and some flowers myself for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 11/03/2018 11:51

Gah sorry for the typos. I'm fighting with the stupid keyboard on this tablet.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 11/03/2018 11:58

I know you care but texting him was the wrong thing to do. Yes he's thoughtless and selfish but your sister is choosing to stay married to him. And have more children. I don't think his behaviour is coming as any great surprise. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but women aren't helpless and I will never understand why some women choose to keep on having children with awful men like this.

LovingLola · 11/03/2018 11:59

I know you care but texting him was the wrong thing to do. Yes he's thoughtless and selfish but your sister is choosing to stay married to him. And have more children. I don't think his behaviour is coming as any great surprise. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but women aren't helpless and I will never understand why some women choose to keep on having children with awful men like this.
This. Word for word.

NewYearNewMe18 · 11/03/2018 12:02

I sent him a neutral message saying sis was upset and had be forgotten and got a three stroppy texts back about how tired he was and warning me not to start with him.

TBH, you're shit stirring between a married couple. Neither of them will thank you for the row that will ensue.

LockedOutOfMN · 11/03/2018 12:02

I would take her some flowers or for a nice lunch, etc.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 11/03/2018 12:03

Well to be honest I don't know what she sees in him either but it isn't my choice to make. If me sending him a text means he actually does something then I'll text away.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 11/03/2018 12:03

Not surprised at his response. If you have the sort of relationship where you can say “don’t actually care how tired you are, this isn’t about you. And actually, while we’re at it, let’s just think about who’s more tired - you, who does three shifts a week and is now out on a jolly - or my sister, your partner, who is pregnant with twins and working her 6th shift of the week?”

I wouldn’t send that but I’m thinking it on your behalf.

DaisyInTheChain · 11/03/2018 12:04

Maybe not the most selfish man ever, let's hope he redeems himself with a night of relaxation or something. You do have a group of people who think these occasions unimportant and why do you need a card/gifts bla bla bla.

Maybe text and ask have you got anything at all planned for today? Like a nice meal, relaxing bath, put the seed of thought in there.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 11/03/2018 12:05

Anyway he's just sent me a photo message of a lovely bunch of flowers and a card that he's got her.

OP posts:
IAmWonkoTheSane · 11/03/2018 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clutterbugsmum · 11/03/2018 12:14

I'm betting he showed your text to a work colleague who also pulled him up on it as well and that's the only reason for his sudden turn about.

Alwayslumpyporridge · 11/03/2018 12:19

Don’t text him, do pop around with some flowers and chocolates, leave them at her house for when she gets home

Fairenuff · 11/03/2018 12:22

Look, you say he has form for this so why are you or your sis surprised?

She knows what he's like and she has decided to have children with him. It's their relationship, stay out of it.

What is the point of you guilting him into getting her something? Will that make her feel any better? Not unless she's very shallow.

Just be there for her if/when she's finally had enough of him and in the meantime, listen to her complain about him for as long as you can bear it.

nakedscientist · 11/03/2018 12:23

Well done OP. I'm on your side, at least he did listen in the end so may be not a total deadbeat!

MumW · 11/03/2018 12:26

Have her around for tea/dinner but don't invite him - preferably leave him with the toddler to fend for himself.

YearOfYouRemember · 11/03/2018 12:33

That was a quick turnaround between you texting him and him buying flowers etc

YellowMakesMeSmile · 11/03/2018 13:29

I know you care but texting him was the wrong thing to do. Yes he's thoughtless and selfish but your sister is choosing to stay married to him. And have more children. I don't think his behaviour is coming as any great surprise. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but women aren't helpless and I will never understand why some women choose to keep on having children with awful men like this

This ^^

You shouldn't have text him, it's between them not you so not wonder you got the response from him you did.

What you would have been better doing is reminding your sister that she chose this so has nobody to moan to but herself.

FlyMaybe · 11/03/2018 13:42

I don't understand why people get so het up about Mothers Day. It's a made-up occasion, invented by retailers to encourage ppl to spend ££ between Valentines and Easter. (Don't get me started on those retail opportunities events either)

When her children are older, your DSis will be inundated with loads of cards and gifts lovingly created by her offspring at school. I've still got a pasta necklace from my DD (now aged 20). It's really not worth falling out with her DH about in this instance, unless it is indicative of his wider disinterest in her.

Also, you shouldn't have texted him, OP. It's between her and him. Keep your beak out. I'd be furious if my DH's siblings sent me a text about something so trivial.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 11/03/2018 13:45

What a weird dynamic you have with your sisters husband. Does he call you mum?

Feelings · 11/03/2018 13:59

I'm with Flymaybe I really don't get Mother's Day.
I didn't even tell my DD it was Mother's Day today because I don't expect anything, I hate the entitled attitude.

Birdsgottafly · 11/03/2018 14:11

I agree that you need to keep out of their marriage, unless asked for support.

Your Sister never got anything last Mother's day, but still got pregnant again. He and his contribution is her choice.

My Eldest used to interfere with my middle DDs relationship, she is now LC and Family holidays are out of the Window.

SmashedMug · 11/03/2018 14:16

I'll never understand why women who stay with men like this are surprised when they act the same way they always do. They don't stop being crap just because it's a "special" day.

probablynapping · 11/03/2018 14:17

YANBU at all, I would have done the same thing. In all honesty I can't believe the number of people saying you need to stay out of it... I wonder how many of them would follow that advice if they were in the same situation? Obviously you care about your sister's feelings and you're taking appropriate actions to make sure she gets the appreciation she deserves!

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 11/03/2018 14:34

How would you feel if your BIL started texting you telling you how to treat your husband and how to have a relationship? It’s weird. Your sister is an adult, she needs to behave like one and bollock her own husband herself if it’s required. You really are infantilising her by taking on this role. She’ll never learn to sort her own marriage out if you always step in. It totally undermines her in respect of her husband too.

BumDisease · 11/03/2018 14:38

I totally get why you did it OP but you're not doing your sister any favours by fighting her battles for her. She needs to tell him this, not you.