Or is dh about leisure time?!

[KateGrey]

Dh and I have three kids. 9,7 and 5. My youngest two have autism, adhd, hypermobility and sensory processing. The youngest is non verbal and severely autistic. She also has coeliac disease as does my eldest.

My dh has wanted to advance his career and when my middle dc was small I stopped working (decided by both as my dh has limited patience and tolerance). Our youngest is very challenging and we’ve had hell with school and dc is moving to a specialist school.

Typically my dh does his hobby once/twice a week. Does a Saturday exercise class and also tries to fit one in one evening. My youngest requires one of us to sit on the bed to get them to sleep. This can take an hour. So bedtime is hard. My dh often either goes straight to his hobby or leaves at 7.20. Today he says he’s resentful of lack of leisure time. He wants more. I’ve asked him what more he wants and he won’t say.

He says he “ would facilitate” me if I wanted to out. I don’t to be honest as I’m too tired. Youngest wakes at 4am most night or like the other night 3am and is up all night. My dh either rolls over or goes to sleep in dc’s room, fair enough he’s at work the next day.

I’ve just started a job and work from home. Is tricky as youngest only does two and a half hours a day (in discussion with council).

I am tired and stressed. I try not to stop dh doing stuff but honestly I’m just exhausted by the battles and meltdowns constantly. But should I give him more leisure time? He’s been out twice this week and now his friends want to go for a meal but he’s made a sarky comment about not being able to go now to me though I haven’t specifically said no.

Please be as gentle as you can be with AIBU as I know I possibly am. He’s made me feel like a real bitch.

Your husband goes out four times a week while you work and look after theee children?

You’re definitely not the one being unreasonable.

When you get the same amount of uninterrupted time as he does (in or out of the house) then he can complain. Until then he's being rather unfair, especially since he doesn't do the harder parts of parenting.

I think you need to start carving out equal downtime. I know you dont want to go out but you dont have to. Leave him with the three of them abd go have a bath, an especially long bath, followed by a bit of rest in bed afterwards.

Or just get in the car, drive through coffee and park up somewhere with a nice view. Listen to the radio or a podcast. Without anyone else there.

Get into the habit of leaving them all together for a couple of hours twice a week while he is free.

Once the balance of what he currently takes as free time is much more equal then ask him whether you can both free up any further alone time

I’ve only just started the job but it’s only been the last two months my youngest has done more time in school. Through sept-Dec she was only doing an hour and a half with support. He gets at least two evening and one Saturday morning time to do his stuff. To be honest I mainly want to lie on the sofa with a book but he finds putting the kids to bed stressful and doesn’t really offer.

I don’t resent him doing things I really don’t but when the bigger kids are banging around until 9pm and I’m up and down the stairs it takes all my evening. His exercise class on a Saturday is 7-8.30 and because you can’t go anywhere at that time with the kids he feels it is fine but doesn’t appreciate I have to get up. I don’t resent him but I feel he’s starting to resent me. I don’t shout or scream at him and I mostly try to say yes as he gets a face on and it’s obvious he’s not happy but I’ve said this is family life and our life is made much hard because of our kids disabilities.

Stop waiting for him to offer. Every night he is not at a class grab your book an hour before kids bedtime and say "see you in the morning, im shattered goodnight" and leave him to get the fuck on with it. Do this for a week.

He is being VVVVU.
Leisure time however it’s spent should be spent equally. A grown man with 3 challenging DC should not be pissing about with his mates all the time while his wife does everything at home.
Fair enough you don’t want to go out but if he gets a night off, so do you. Spend it asleep if you want - I would!!

YANBU OP. He is being awful.

Even if you didnt work at all tbh. My children both have disabilities, its hard. We both work, I do the lions share as I'm part time and DH works more hours but we share. We have to or one of us will crash. It's happened before...stress, prolonged illnesses etc and that's with both of us on full throttle.

What you do is important OP and if you don't take care of yourself it will all come tumbling down. Then who will be doing it all?

Why the he'll should he get more leisure time when you are getting sod all??

I’m glad it’s not me! I’ve said I think the main problem is I’m with them most of the time and kids themselves are stressful but the additional needs are hard and I’m getting grief off our useless school daily. To be fair he’ll hang out washing and do the odd bit of washing up and take our eldest to two activities but he seems to think I’m his personal sitter. I tried to explain if his job asked him to do more and more hours would he want to? Would he want to work 24/7. I’ve explained it’s very hard. It hopefully won’t be forever but I think he feels everyone is out doing stuff and he thinks he’s not asking a lot. I’ve asked what more he wants to do but he says he doesn’t want to talk about and how he’s at least not going on lads holidays or down the pub. I just can’t seem to make him appreciate if I ever say no it’s not because I don’t want him to have a life it’s just I’m exhausted dealing with the kids and don’t want to spend my evening traipsing upstairs. He says he gets it but doesn’t really seem to. From how he was talking it started to make me feel guilty. He makes it sound very reasonable.

He's a piss taking twat

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable

In a situation with such a big burden, I think it’s hard to say anyone is unreasonable. It must be awful.

Before you started the job we’re you along for the 2.5 hours? Did your DH feel that was your leisure time daily? Does he realise that now you are working you get no leisur time?

You should both be getting equal time away. I know you’ve said you’re too tired but I can’t imagine it’s good for your mental health not to get away. Could you go for a steak at the gym or just sit in a cafe and have a drink? Are you getting any time along together?

I don’t think it’s wrong to want to spontaneously go out with a friend for dinner when you work all week and have a hectic family life but you deserve that too. You should carve out equal time for you both. Who can you leave the D.C. with?

Do you get dLA? If so you should qualifying for short breaks funding which will allow you to pay someone to take the kids out? Worth looking into.

I also think your DH IBU though, and selfish but what you allow will continue so I agree with pp he should start to do bedtimes. With autistic dc do it one step a time a time to avoid extra stress.

He doesn't appreciate what it takes because he isn't doing it. I'm not for one second suggesting a spa day. However a start would be taking it in turns to run upstairs during the evening.

Tell him a different approach may work wonders (managing between the two of you)...I do that. It does work actually.

Obviously both of you are making sacrifices and that's going to be hard. There's no reason that 'your time' shouldn't be taken in the house if you're too tired to go out. If he want 'his time' away from the house, then he needs to start putting the kids to bed at least some of the time. If you get some more relaxation time, that will benefit both of you.

We can’t leave the kids with anyone. His mum doesn’t bother and my parents are older. They find the kids a bit much.

Dc has for the last two and a half month been two over two hours and I’ve usually used it for chores like cleaning and ironing to be honest. I suspect he sees that as my leisure time. Mentally I’m just tired. It’s like wading through treacle to do even the simplest things.

I don’t begrudge him time out with friends but he clearly feels he’s not getting enough. It’s just hard as our life with our kids is hard. I do all the kids stuff. I self applied for both ehcps and did the DLA forms alone. I suppose I carry the mental load. We’ve had the conversation a lot about how he works and meets basic (and I mean makes them the odd sandwich and drives them to activities) need. I do most of the educational stuff and I feel like I’m drowning.

As somebody else said, you should be getting 'short breaks' provided by your local council under their Local Offer - do you get anything? Have you enquired about having a disability social worker to look at your situation and determine whether you might be eligible for more social care / support / respite?

I know this will all add to your mental load in the short term (!) but it could be worth it in the long run. You're not getting a break, you need a break before it all breaks you.

Ok. YANBU

Stop talking, start acting.

He said he’d facilitate you IF you wanted to go out, so go out. I know you’re exhausted, but you need to show him what it means to be left alone with them. Find the energy, even if it’s just to a friends where you can relax on their sofa! Get out of the house.

He has Saturday morning to do as he pleases, you have Sunday morning. Get up, go out.

He has three nights a week. You go out three nights a week.

He does equal nights. You both deserve to get some sleep and you both have to function the next day. He’s been a lazy, selfish fuck about this for FAR too long,

See how much energy he’s got for a better social life after that!

Honestly, stop enabling this selfish selfish behaviour.

Read this...

Dh and I have three kids. 9,7 and 5

Dh and I

...not I.

Have you told him you feel like you're drowning? In those words?

My DH didn't get it, then I applied for an EHCP and needed him to make a couple of phone calls...Then he got it.

I've just been put on antidepressants and sleeping tablets. This is because im coping with the children and one other work related problem that tipped me over the edge. Plus DH needs to work the hours he dies (over 12 a day) to keep us afloat and he pulls his weight at home.

Stamp your foot OP.

It really sounds so tough. I don’t envy you at all and I’m not surprised you’re struggling, I would be exhausted. Maybe the solution is trying to get some outside help or support? Can you afford to get some one in one night a week? Presumably this would take time to implement but would be of help in the long run?

I don’t think he’s necessarily being a twat, more that he probably is in the outside world and other lives sound so much easier. It’s understandable to envy the freedom of others and feel resentful, not of you but of the situation.

It sounds like you’re so deep in it you don’t even get time to feel the jealousy of others. Can you try and get together and agree minimum time away for you both and a plan to share other parts. That way there is more time away but the time there is also of more use? Perhaps you starting the new job is a prime way to raise the discussion, e.g things have changed?

Thank you all. I’m glad to know that I’m not being a selfish bitch. I’ve said if he wants to go out for his meal tonight he can go if he wants. Very matter of fact but he’s not going so now sadly I’m left with his stroppy mood. But I will start going out more I think. Once it gets lighter even going for a walk. The problem is he doesn’t mind me going and dealing with the kids it’s more he wants to go out more and do stuff for him that’s our biggest issue.

Call his bluff and let him ‘facilitate’ you going out. On a night when he’s home, go out. I totally get the too tired thing (two DCs with SN here, plus baby) but even if you just go and sit in a 24h McDonalds with a book. It will make him see just how hard it is.

I really sympathise, my eldest barely slept until she was prescribed melatonin (might be worth looking into slow release?)

My oldest son has autism and adhd and I work part time and dh works full time. Dealing with meltdowns constantly and the other difficulties is physically and emotionally exhausting and if my view your dh is being exceptionally selfish. I am guessing as you are the one at home you also deal with all the endless appointments and school meetings etc plus have to fight for any support they need (in my area to do).

Me and dh both get leisure time as we both need it although it’s rarely together. I tend to go the gym 3-4 times a week (normally a 6 am class so home by 7am) and dh goes at night as he prefers night times and I prefer mornings. This gives us both time out I also go out with friends every few months although dh isn’t one for going out for drinks so tends to not bother.

You both need some time to yourselves to recharge.

To the OP what area are you in? Are there any support groups for parents? Do you get much outside professional help from agencies? Can you get some respite?

He's out three fucking nights a week and he is whining it's not enough ?.

I would call his bluff and make sure he does facilitate you going out...whatever you do, g for a swim, coffee or just a chill...make sure you do it. If he keeps to his word then when was he hoping he would get time for 'more'.

I’ve asked what more he wants to do but he says he doesn’t want to talk about and how he’s at least not going on lads holidays or down the pub

Totally unfair of him to moan but not talk about it...He's being a selfish cunt and I think there is more to it.

Take him up on his offer to facilitate you and for just one week go out the same amount of time he does. Even if your knackered go and have a coffee in peace.
Then sit down together and ask him if he thinks thats reasonable.

Your DH is being massively unreasonable, and it sounds like he doesn't do nearly enough with his children and for his household.

Honestly? I would tell him Friday when he gets home that you're off for the weekend. YOu need a break. And go stay with a friend. Or book a hotel room. Something. And let him get on with it and see what it's like. Tell him you will discuss more leisure time for both of you when you get back on Sunday afternoon. after he gets a real feel for what your 24/7 life is like while he goes to work, goes to hobbies, and then moans that he can't go out even more.