Or is dh about leisure time?!

[KateGrey]

Dh and I have three kids. 9,7 and 5. My youngest two have autism, adhd, hypermobility and sensory processing. The youngest is non verbal and severely autistic. She also has coeliac disease as does my eldest.

My dh has wanted to advance his career and when my middle dc was small I stopped working (decided by both as my dh has limited patience and tolerance). Our youngest is very challenging and we’ve had hell with school and dc is moving to a specialist school.

Typically my dh does his hobby once/twice a week. Does a Saturday exercise class and also tries to fit one in one evening. My youngest requires one of us to sit on the bed to get them to sleep. This can take an hour. So bedtime is hard. My dh often either goes straight to his hobby or leaves at 7.20. Today he says he’s resentful of lack of leisure time. He wants more. I’ve asked him what more he wants and he won’t say.

He says he “ would facilitate” me if I wanted to out. I don’t to be honest as I’m too tired. Youngest wakes at 4am most night or like the other night 3am and is up all night. My dh either rolls over or goes to sleep in dc’s room, fair enough he’s at work the next day.

I’ve just started a job and work from home. Is tricky as youngest only does two and a half hours a day (in discussion with council).

I am tired and stressed. I try not to stop dh doing stuff but honestly I’m just exhausted by the battles and meltdowns constantly. But should I give him more leisure time? He’s been out twice this week and now his friends want to go for a meal but he’s made a sarky comment about not being able to go now to me though I haven’t specifically said no.

Please be as gentle as you can be with AIBU as I know I possibly am. He’s made me feel like a real bitch.

Agree with previous posters- you need to start taking the same amount of leisure time that he currently gets.

Totally appreciate that you are exhausted, but you might find that going for e.g. a swim a couple of times a week might give you a bit of breathing space. Or even a walk, especially now there are more daylight hours. Or an activity you're interested in, or popping out to see a friend.

I really would get up at 7am on Sundays (you're up anyway) and let him deal with the children until 8.30. Go out on the evenings when he doesn't. He needs to see how much work is involved, and if you stay in the house you'll still end up doing things.

I know you don’t want to “go out” but I honestly think it would help you all if you took a couple of hours twice a week and just buggered off. Maybe a gentle yoga class or swim/sauna and one trip to a comfy cafe with your book.
Once this is established as routine your dh can tell you if he still thinks he wants to facilitate you each having even more leisure time. Right now it’s so imbalanced he doesn’t know what he’s asking.

he finds putting the kids to bed stressful tough fucking shit pal. Take him at his word. Get a lock on your bedroom door, noise cancelling headphones and your book. Or a coffee shop whatever. He is a piss taking twat of the highest order. (I also think there's more to it too)

Thanks all. I’ll definitely try and galvanise myself more.

A few people have mentioned they think there’s more to it. What more do people think there is? I feel like I can’t see the wood from the trees.

He sounds pretty selfish. I'm sure all parents of young DC would like more time off/hobby time/time with friends. It's kind of in the job description that you don't get so much and what you do get you divvy with your partner if you have one! If you have a good friend not too far away (or your DPs) would they let you go round once or twice a week and have an hour's nap? My DM used to let me do this when I had a migraine (before I would pick DD up and take her home).

You sound far too tolerant so I am on your behalf that your partner is actually trying to make out he's getting somehow shortchanged!

I think he’s taking the piss now, let alone if he went out more. He should be doing 50/50 household and children when he’s at home and you should be getting the same downtime as he does. Even if it’s him going out with the children so you can sit in the sofa and read in peace

I wonder if people are wondering about him setting up a string of excuses to justify an affair, or just leaving?

No reasonable person with SN children could seriously complain that their main caregiver wasn't giving them enough leisure time. So, either he is a twat with no awareness of other people's needs, or he's doing this on purpose, perhaps aiming to get to the point where you end the relationship and he can walk away blameless.

Agreed he is clueless and selfish. You need to take the time even just to spend it on your own or in the bath so he can look after them on his own as he is asking you to do nearly 24 hours a day. If you’re too tired to leave the house go to bed. Forget your 2.5 hours, in your situation id be happy using it for Netflix and wine or a run and a bath, or coffee and a book - he gets lunch breaks after all.

Dontmake he mistake of leaving himto it at 8pm and getting leisure time. If you go straight to bed and up at 3am that’s only 7h sleep. I asssume he’s getting that every night. So that’s very basic you need that’s not leisure time!

Getting proper sleep every night mean zero leisure for him. That’s at least fair if all other times
You are with kids or working. He can’t get all sleep and all leisure and you run on empty.

I darent mention to him that he has a lunch break. He often nips out. I’ve said to him if he’s not happy he can leave. I have enough to worry about without being guilted by him. I think sadly he’s just selfish. He was raised by his single mother who worshiped him and he could do no wrong and he was very used to going out and doing what he wanted. Aside from working he didn’t do anything else at home (red flags but I was young and stupid). I just think he lacks awareness and empathy. But I’m going to gear up to go out more. Our interests are very different (all he likes is sport). And it’s apparent we are different and I suspect as the kids take a lot of my time is taken by the kids he sees me as boring.

You've posted about him before haven't you OP? I recognise your name. I don't have any useful advice. I'm sorry he's such a twat.

Ok so dont want to jump on the autism bandwagon (my son is autistic we are not). But still selfish lacking in empathy rigid interests only likes sports. Is he on the spectrum. Its just crazy that he has no insight into how hard your life must be.
If he is it doesnt really change much apart from maybe how you approach it with him.

A while ago I had similar with my husband. I told him that life as it was, for me, was intolerable and that I could see it would be easier for me to be a single mum as I would then get breaks from the kids plus I'd have far less to do in the house as I wouldn't be picking up after him and accommodating his needs.

It scared the hell out of him because I was deadly serious. Love only gets you so far and I was way beyond that.

He got a lot better very quickly.

Don't be passive. Tell
Him how it is and what you expect.

My situation is very differently form yours OP, I only have one DC, he has no disability (that I yet know of) but...

A few months ago I was finding being a new Mum quite hard, the baby didn’t (and still doesn’t) sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time if that, had reflux, I was ‘keeping house’ making DH lunches, cooking, cleaning, being a Mum and doing all of the night feeds (I offer as DH is at work the next day)

This is pretty standard I’m sure but I was also quite low mentally and hadn’t found ‘my rhythm yet’ but DH didn’t really help much, didn’t get involved with the changing nappies, feeding etc and then he would come home from work and spend 10 minutes with us and then go for a lie down as he was ‘tired’.... by the time he was down DC would already be asleep ready to be taken to his cot.

He believe I had It easy as ‘I’m just home all day’ and it was really starting to bother me, but like you I never said anything as he would go into a mood!

But then I went away to a hen party, Friday evening to early Sunday afternoon and everything changed! DH had plans all Saturday and was with family at all times so constantly had somebody to hold the baby while he made bottles or went to toilet etc but he said it was the hardest weekend ever. DH suddenly realised what I did all day and used the word ‘relentless’ and also said it was a lot harder than going to work (I knew this)

Now in a morning my DH washes any pots, cleans the bottles from the night feeds and sometimes makes DC breakfast. When he gets home he stays with us as he said he understands why I need him to take DH even just for 10 minutes while I sort things out (and to give my arm a rest!) he also tries to cook every Sunday so that I can simply enjoy playing with DC without worrying about dinner/chores.

It was honestly the best thing ever as he understands a bit better what it takes to be home all day with a fussy baby and helps me more. DH has a season ticket to football so does take time out and I don’t really go out on my own as I don’t like to but the extra support I get now has really helped our relationship and DH with DC as he now carved time to make sure he plays with him and spends quality time

I would recommend leaving your DH with the DCs if nothing else to get him to appreciate what you do and see that you may need extra support and that him wanting to be out all the time isn’t doing that

SORRY about the essay!

OP, if you were my friend and you told me this I'd tell you to tell him you were to meet me and come round my house to just nap for 2-3 hours uninterrupted.

A lot of my friends have dropped me. They now ignore me at the afternoon pick up. I don’t see them in the mornings as my youngest isn’t allowed into school until later. I do think my husband just has a very uninformed view of my life. When it comes to therapy I do it all, I do all the appointments and all the paperwork for one plan and ehcp reviews. I also did all the specialist school visits and chose the school. He does earn a good wage, he does do the odd bit of washing up but his attitude does make me really angry. And sad. I’ve said to him I’m doing my best. I’m not deliberately trying to hamper his lifestyle but I’m under a lot of pressure. Simple things like the afternoon school run are really challenging. I know there’s a lot of women who would really give it to him but he’s been used to very subservient women like his mother.

The simpler explanation is your husband is just plain selfish, I'm afraid. You can't reason with selfish. All you can do is try to make it in their interests to do what you want. And being assertive is hard when you're very tired. Do what you have to, to get some rest and you may see a way forward.

Am I the only one thinking he has a lads holiday planned - or at least a 'grand day out? There is something big he wants to do and he is moaning so that you are quilted into saying it is ok.

Has he ever gone to any appointments? I get dh to come to the odd one as I feel it’s important he understands how the appointments work and what is discussed.

Your friends were not friends if they dropped you. Does your local area have any support groups? Many do even if it’s just to talk to other parents online it helps.

I guess you just have to hand him the children more, I’m not sure talking on it’s own will cut it. I remember my dh gave me lie ins Saturday because I did all the nights and never got more than a couple of hours sleep in a row. He came in and gave me the baby so he could have breakfast in peace. I stormed out and gave him the baby back saying did he just happily assume I starved all day while he was at work because there was no one to hold the baby for me?! And went back to bed.

“**I’m not deliberately trying to hamper his lifestyle”

His lifestyle should be your lifestyle. You are a family! He has the same responsibilities you do and is a parent to the same DCs you are. His lifestyle changed and was ‘hampered’ when you had your first DC together.

Life changes, children change it and he needs to learn that he can’t always get what he wants. Personally 3+ seperate ‘leisure’ times per week is a lot especially when you compare your own down time.

I’m sorry to say it so bluntly and probably not really helping but he needs to get a f*ing grip and support the 4 of you more than just financially!

Honestly I have no words!!! It just unbelievable that he is behaving like he is at the moment and asking for more leisure time. I don't know how you can stay so calm listening him, you are an angel!
He is very very selfish, he clearly has no empathy and he doesn't care about other people at all.
They are his children as well. He needs to share everything with you- appointments, filling forms, bedtime, bathtime, everything. He may do bedtime only 2 a week Friday and Saturday, but he must be able to cope with his own children. He should spend time with them playing, reading, talking , holding your youngest daughter's hand or whatever to calm her down at bedtime.
I do understand that it's difficult for you to hand over to him even a part of responsibility because he clearly won't cope and you don't want put children into a tricky situation. But, you must start with something.
Yes, there are short breaks and groups , etc but he is their Dad! even after divorce there are expectations that both parents are involved and share childcare.
We have child with additional needs and no family around. My husband and I do everything together. Most of our friends have children with additional needs. They all share responsibility and care.
I think someone who involved with your DCs professionally need request your DH involvement. I'm not sure about leaving him with children for a day. I would rather send him to a hospital appointment or other out of house activity to make him really feel it.
I'm really sorry that you are going through this. it will be easier when your daughter will be at school full time. The start is always difficult. But all future free time should go towards you, not to increase DH "leisure time".

Am I the only one thinking he has a lads holiday planned - or at least a 'grand day out? There is something big he wants to do and he is moaning so that you are quilted into saying it is ok

I think he is working up to something..OP you asked that several people have said 'there's more to it' (I was one) and I cant put my finger on it, but he's moaning about 'not being enough' while he has plenty of downtime and you none. It's like he is setting you up to fail...moan moan, paying lip service to accomodating you going out, but not actually doing it..and being a martyr when he does stay in...yes to guilt tripping galore

Or maybe yes, after your recent posts, just a selfish bastard that has become used to being pandered too

You need to change YOUR mindset before you can even attempt to change his.