Aibu to not want to get married

[cago2710]

Hi basically we have been together 17 years got 4dc and are very happy. All my dp siblings are now married or due to get married they have all been together a lot less time then us. We are constantly under pressure to get married from others . We are engaged 10'years ago but neither of us have felt the need to get married. Part of me feels a tiny bit sad that we don't have the same name but I'm their Mum whatever in my eyes. I honestly don't feel we need to change and we have spent an absolute fortune on our house and don't want to spend money on family we don't see and aren't bothered about us. Does this make me into the terrible person other family members seem to think it does?

I'd get married to protect myself legally in terms of inheritance and other legalities. For under £200 you could have a registry wedding in the town hall with two witnesses, the registrar & your children. That's all you need, you don't need a huge wedding reception costing £20k and a meringue wedding dress.

You have more legal rights as a married couple than you do as a cohabiting couple not matter how long you've been together. There is no such thing as common law marriage, it doesn't exist and you won't be regarded as a spouse for inheritance purposes. Have you thought about your legal status if either of you died or became seriously ill?

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

It is you choice about whether or not to get married,

HOwever, there are significant legal implications of not being married especially if one partner dies or the relationship breaks down.

E.g. Off the top of my head:
Married couples can pass their estate between them with no inheritance tax. IF you live in the SE half a house can easily be more than the inheritance tax threshold.
When a married person dies intestate with no will their spouse automatically inherits. This is NOT the case if you are unmarried.
NOt all pension schemes recognise unmarried partners especially if no nomination forms have been completed.
When an unmarried couple separate dividing assets and ongoing financial support (if required) is much more difficult, in many situations it is women who have given up/ reduced their paid employment to support child rearing who suffer in this situation.

This is the only reason we're getting married - inheritance tax! We have been together 24 years. In our 40's - nearly grown children and we're having 9 people to a late registry office ceremony, sit down meal in our favourite restaurant and cake and bubbly at home. I am getting a proper wedding dress because I'd like one but the whole thing is costing less than £1500

You can do what you want and it's nobody's business. But if you've been a sahm/ only worked part time etc it's financially really stupid not to be married given no protection in case of split and inheritance issues.

I think most people get married for the legalities of it. If you're not concerned about any of that, then no you don't really need to get married! However if it's a cost issue, you can go to the registry office and do it very cheap with just two witnesses. If your family don't like it, well it's not their wedding.

It’s not just about sentiment.

If one of you dies, the other may have to sell the house if they want to continue living in it unless tens of thousands of pounds are lying around handy for tax. Spouses do not pay tax.

If he’s in hospital do you want his mum or brother to say ‘go ahead and turn off the life support’. They’re his next of kin. Legally you’re like a friend from work.

If you die, do you want your mum to scatter your ashes in Scotland when the two of you had talked about being buried together in Kent? She’s your next of kin.

Work pension?

Big lotto win and he runs off with a bimbo? Nothing for you.

The two of you can just sign the paperwork to give you legal rights. No need for a dress or anything.

Be smart.

You would be legally better protected married. I think you’re insane to have four children and not be married. Your earning power must have been hugely damaged and that would not be recognised by any split if you’re unmarried.

You don’t have to have a big day or any sort of celebration at all. The two of you could go with two witnesses and sign the paper. That’s it.

You could have a small ceremony and small party if you wanted. You don’t have to have a big expensive do. It’s a legal formality. All the other stuff is optional.

Yes, legal protection. We're entitled to half of one another's pensions after death but we had to produce our marriage certificate to register that. And inheritance tax.

You could just go with the kids, couple of witnesses. Small meal after. Job done.

A guy I worked with went off and got married in his lunch hour, that's how easy it is.

Marriage is not just about romance, same last names and sentiment. It's about protection and equality under the law. Not something to be taken lightly. If you're happy and plan on staying together, I would get married.

BTW, my husband and I got married at the registrar's office and went out afterwards for a lovely lunch. It was a perfect day! Every anniversary we go back to the same restaurant and talk about how great the day we got married was.

My aunt got married after being in very similar position to yourself. They went registry office and then flung certificate in the draw and didn't tell anyone for years.

Friends recently got married beca use their teen dc really wanted them to

You don’t have to tell anyone. The two of you can go by yourselves, before you do your weekly groceries, in normal clothes. The people who work there can be witnesses.

Incidentally, you can change your name without getting married, and on getting married you don’t have to change your name.

You've only got to read threads on here to discover how completely fucked over you can be if you're not married and your other half decides to walk out for someone else

If the only thing you feel sad about is not having the same name as your kids you could change it by deed poll? I know some people will then say if you're going to do that why not just pay a few hundred more and have the basic legal wedding but it's another option if for whatever reason you don't fancy that? I don't think yabu by the way, I just wasn't bothered about marriage either.

@Dontknowwheretheline is

Given lack of rights re tax, pensions, next of kin etc. can I genuinely ask why you were ‘not bothered’?

Same sex couples have been fighting for these rights and still are in some countries.

Agree with pp about the legal benefits. If you don't want to spend money on a "wedding", then don't have one! Friends of mine got married in the local registry office with just their children and two witnesses. The first anyone else knew of it was a post on FB saying "By the way, got married today"!

Well, I hope that after 17 years and 4 DC, OP has found the time to check her legal and financial security and had the level of mitigation she and protections that she needs already in place.

And that there have been tested against the possibilities not just of death or separation, but also longterm illness and care needs.

If you haven't done that, OP, now is the time to do so. But if you have and you are happy with your position (you might have worked full time throughout or own your own company, are the higher earner, and own the house) then there might be no particular additional security to you for marrying. But in those circs, what level of protection should your DP have in case something happens to you?

I totally understand how you feel. DP and I have been together for ages (I'm not very good at keeping track of things, but we have a 15 year old dd and were together for a few years before that) and I have no intention of getting married.

We own the house jointly rather than owning half each so if one of us dies then the other will own the whole house. I expect that dd would inherit anything else and I'm fine with that.

I hate the idea of a wedding: would really not enjoy being the centre of attention, can't be arsed with all the planning that seems to go into weddings and would rather spend my money on other things.

dd went through a stage when she was younger of wanting us to be married, but that was more to do with the wedding and being a bridesmaid than any problem with us being unmarried. The only other person who's commented has been my sister - she had a horrible, messy divorce, now lives with her lovely partner and has said she would never get married again.

Well. Do as you wish. You have been warned.

It's absolutely fine not to want to get married. You're an idiot if you have children and property with someone and haven't ensured the legalities are dealt with as best they can be, though. But maybe you have done and you see a solicitor every couple of years to update things if necessary, in which case crack on.

It would also be fine for you to get married on the quiet and not tell any of your family. You're not obliged to invite them to any wedding you have.

Quite frankly, it is YOUR life and relationship. Other people aren’t living their lives around what you think they should or shouldn’t be doing. You don’t need to justify or entertain their questions or get into a long winded conversation of whys. All you need to say is, we are fine as we are but thank you for your concern, and it will shut them down.

However, you should take on the legal side of things, people are mentioning.

Recently there was a conversation, the jist was a couple could just live together fine for 20 years say, as soon as they get married they're separated in a year. People offered examples. I didn't RTFT but if you haven't maybe change your surname.

A wedding is so expensive, stressful, etc.

Do what you want and don't feel bullied or pressured otherwise.

I don't think you can fault people for asking about you getting married if you got engaged... (You do understand what engagement means!)

I wouldn't let not wanting a wedding (party/expense etc) put you off getting married (very cheap for the protection it gives your family).

But it's an entirely personal decision, if you don't want to get married, just tell everyone you changed your mind/are no longer engaged and move on. It's no one else's business.