Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to get married

55 replies

cago2710 · 10/03/2018 18:20

Hi basically we have been together 17 years got 4dc and are very happy. All my dp siblings are now married or due to get married they have all been together a lot less time then us. We are constantly under pressure to get married from others . We are engaged 10'years ago but neither of us have felt the need to get married. Part of me feels a tiny bit sad that we don't have the same name but I'm their Mum whatever in my eyes. I honestly don't feel we need to change and we have spent an absolute fortune on our house and don't want to spend money on family we don't see and aren't bothered about us. Does this make me into the terrible person other family members seem to think it does?

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 11/03/2018 12:55

Agree with Goldfishshoals - if you hadn't got engaged, then I wouldn't mention it, but getting engaged usually means you do plan to get married at some point, it does look like you want to, but just got too lazy to arrange a wedding, whereas not being engaged looks like yu aren't interested.

There's good solid legal reasons for being married. It doesn't have to cost much at all. When you have DCs, I would say having all the legal bits tied up is important, you can spend a lot more time, money and effort to try to reproduce marriage rights/responsibilities if you are really anti-marriage, but if not, a quick registery office do would be cheaper/easier to arrange.

specialsubject · 11/03/2018 13:13

20 mins in the registry office needs no planning other than booking and form filling. It is a bit cringey as you have to say the vows - you can write your own but the standard ones are fine. There's no mention of religion, it is banned.

no special clothes, bunch of dead flowers, over priced cake or thick makeup required. Cheapest way of sorting the legals which you really need to do.

TheNaze73 · 11/03/2018 13:15

YANBU. People can be so dense at times.

If you were going to get married, you’d tell them FFS.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 11/03/2018 13:19

Don't understand why you got engaged? It doesn't make any sense.

If you are not aware of the legal implications, I would suggest you have a look.

Nobody even needs to know if you cba. Just book the registry office and do it. Job done.

DaisyInTheChain · 11/03/2018 13:20

You could even go to Gretna, it's not as shabby as you think. You get married, no big fuss involved.

blastomama · 11/03/2018 13:20

We are constantly under pressure to get married from others

Are you though, really? Constantly? Nobody ever says anything else to you? And pressure....what form does this pressure take? How are people trying to force you to get married?

Perhaps given this info: We are engaged 10'years ago then what is actually happening is people occasionally asking you when you are getting married given the fact that hyou told everyone a decade ago that you were going to get married?

PoisonousSmurf · 11/03/2018 13:22

Any man or woman who says they can't be bothered to get married because it's too expensive or religious or a money pit are actually kidding themselves that they truly are in love.
They want to have an escape route, they don't care what happens to their partner or children if they die or become very ill.
It's all ME, ME, ME!
Wise up and get that piece of paper!

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/03/2018 13:26

You are engaged. The end of that phrase is 'to be married' so it's fairly obvious why you get asked!

Why do the DC have his name?

Bumbumtaloo · 11/03/2018 13:32

My mum and dad married after everyone kept going on at them to ‘give those kids a proper name’ they married before my 5th birthday and split by the time I was 9. They were fine as they were who knows if they would have split up anyway.

A wedding doesn’t have to cost a lot or have to have you as centre of attention and for me and DH the planning was done in a couple of hours. Our wedding was small - we initially intended to do it just us and then I changed my mind. Didn’t cost much at all.

TheJoyOfSox · 11/03/2018 13:40

Getting married because your family are pressuring you would be a massive mistake.

Not getting married, because it’s too expensive is an excuse, it can be done for next to nothing if you want to marry.

Your relationship is nobody else’s business but yours.

Just don’t moan that you’re not entitled to any widows benefits and make sure there is a will in place sooner rather than later. If you’re not his wife, your dp could die and you could find yourself in a legal battle for your home or assets by other family memebers.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 11/03/2018 13:45

If you are the lower earning partner, or taking time out of your career for your kids, or your partner has more assets or pays the mortgage, then yes I would definitely get married to protect yourself (and your kids) if you are one of the more than half couples with kids who separate.

I have seen some previously very nice reasonable men unexpectedly behave very selfishly about money after separating.

Also if I wasn't married I would definitely have given my kids my surname, although too late for that now.

MudCity · 11/03/2018 13:45

There are many ways you can protect yourselves without being married. Marriage is one way but there are plenty of other ways to protect your joint assets or ensure your wishes are known with regards to medical treatment.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 11/03/2018 13:45

And a registry office wedding is about £200. Two witnesses. I wouldn't want to pay £10k for a wedding either, but luckily you don't have to!

BertrandRussell · 11/03/2018 13:49

I have been happily unmarried for 30 years. We have put in place legal protections for each other- the only thing that can’t be replicated is widows pension.

Viviennemary · 11/03/2018 13:49

As you long as you know there are disadvantages to not being married and know about the legal positions and you are happy with that. Then don't get married if you don't want to. It's a bit late now anyway after having four children.

Bluelady · 11/03/2018 15:51

It costs about £100 and takes 15 minutes in a registry office. It must surely be cheaper and more time efficient than faffing about with solicitors to achieve the same effect.

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 11/03/2018 16:21

*Getting married because your family are pressuring you would be a massive mistake.

Not getting married, because it’s too expensive is an excuse, it can be done for next to nothing if you want to marry.

Your relationship is nobody else’s business but yours.

Just don’t moan that you’re not entitled to any widows benefits and make sure there is a will in place sooner rather than later. If you’re not his wife, your dp could die and you could find yourself in a legal battle for your home or assets by other family memebers.*

This^

Ickyockycocky · 11/03/2018 16:50

Really great advice on here OP, take heed.

BasiliskStare · 11/03/2018 17:11

I would not say anyone should be married if it sits uneasily with them , but , wills , guardianship for children , yes you can get round all that , Next of Kin and Inheritance tax & yes widows pension , but most company pensions allow you to nominate a person ( which they can refuse, but probably won't if a serious consideration ) - no you can't. Now , if any inheritance isn't going to get into the area of tax , then fine. But to some extent I think there should be a civil partnership option for heterosexual couples . Honestly, forget about anything else , being one half of a married couple does give you more rights.

BasiliskStare · 11/03/2018 17:12

Look up OPG - re being next of kin and being able to decide on medical issues.

CoffeeOrSleep · 11/03/2018 21:08

Basically - YANBU to not want to get married (assuming you have thought through the legal issues and are making this choice with your eyes open about what it means to you).

But YABU to get engaged to be married, then be annoyed that after announcing that, family members expect you'll get married. Being engaged isn't a status in its own right, it's announcing an intention to marry. It's perfectly reasonable for your family members to think that once you have announced you'll get married, you will actually arrange it and get married.

Also YABU if you think the only way to get married is a big £20k party. Most married couples didn't have the big event, they are just as married as those who did.

BasiliskStare · 12/03/2018 19:56

Dh and I had a teeny tiny marriage - dress on sale ( and not actually a wedding dress , it was an evening dress in the sale ,) small number of guests , Restaurant and then in our house for a small gathering. It was great. I think of it very fondly , but I do think that those who close their eyes to the current situation of being married or not , should think clearly about what they do not have. And genuinely - it isn't the big dress day - there just are some legal advantages to being married. Many of which you can replicate with other contracts , but not all. I'll stop now. Coffee makes a good point about not the big event

LoniceraJaponica · 12/03/2018 20:01

"We are engaged 10'years ago but neither of us have felt the need to get married."

So, why did you bother getting engaged then? Hmm

If you don't want to get married get yourself down to the solicitor and make sure you have all the legalities covered or you will be up the creek without a paddle if your partner should die or decide he no longer wants to be with you.

Some food for thought here:

Cohabiting vs marriage: Six ways your rights differ

  1. If one cohabiting partner dies without leaving a will, the surviving partner will not automatically inherit anything - unless the couple jointly own property. A married partner would inherit all or some of the estate
  2. An unmarried partner who stays at home to care for children cannot make any claims in their own right for property, maintenance or pension-sharing
  3. Cohabiting partners cannot access their partner's bank account if they die - whereas married couples may be allowed to withdraw the balance providing the amount is small
  4. An unmarried couple can separate without going to court, but married couples need to go to a court and get divorced to end the marriage formally
  5. Cohabiting couples are not legally obliged to support each other financially, but married partners have a legal duty to support each other
  6. If you are the unmarried partner of a tenant, you have no rights to stay in the accommodation if you are asked to leave - but each married partner has the right to live in the "matrimonial home"
OutsideContextProblem · 12/03/2018 20:14

How unreasonable are your relatives?! You announce your intention to get married and then the bastards expect you to get married! Confused

Beetlejizz · 12/03/2018 20:20

We have put in place legal protections for each other- the only thing that can’t be replicated is widows pension.

Given that you're in England, this is incorrect. I'm surprised to hear you say it actually as you're not a stranger to these threads.

You cannot replicate the ability to inherit the other spouse's unused IHT threshold, for example. You cannot replicate the ability to challenge the other spouse disinheriting you in a will on the same terms as a spouse.

These things may not be relevant to you of course, but they exist and are not things you can acquire without marriage.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.