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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be raging with DH

93 replies

SchoolMoney · 10/03/2018 18:07

Will try not to ramble on or drip feed.
DS is 8 months old. I am vegetarian and DH is not. DS is being raised vegetarian until he says he wants otherwise/wants to try something and I'm fine with that.

I do all of the care for DS. Everything. We were invited to a good friends sons christening today. DH has dicked about for weeks about us going because of the rugby. He might go to the match, he might go to the pub, he might watch it at home, doesn't want to risk missing it. He said he was staying at home so DS was staying with him. I said this morning when DH was going to the shops if it was easier for him to pick up a packet of DS for lunch and dinner to do so, otherwise there was food in he could make. He told me he HAD to go since I hadn't bothered preparing anything.

He came home with 5 food options, 2 meat. I said I didn't have time to go into it and didn't want an argument but DO NOT give him the meat and we would talk about it later. He messaged me to say he tried to feed DS meat and I should get home because I was being cruel being out.

AIBU in thinking when I am out for 5 hours by myself he should be able to care for DS and not go against my one request just to spite me/to prove he could. I said we would talk about it this evening but it seems like the first chance he had he went against me. To be clear, the meat bit annoys me but I'm raging at the deliberately going against what I asked rather than talk first.

OP posts:

mummymeister · 10/03/2018 18:41

sorry, but you do come across as a bit controlling. you don't have to do all of the care for your son you know. you can let your dh in to help a bit. I don't think only you can decide what your child has to eat. it has to be a joint decision and perhaps he has bought into this decision as much as you thought he had. I think the two of you need to have a more honest chat both about sharing the care of your child and agreeing on decisions. if you don't do this now, when he is older he will be able to play you off against each other if you don't have a united front.

cansu · 10/03/2018 18:43

He has seemingly given him meat because he couldn't be arsed and because you didn't leave something ready made for him. It also sounds a bit like he wanted you to come home or he texted you about the meat to spoil your day. If this is what you are annoyed about then you are completely right. If it is just that he gave meat then that is irritating but not the end of the world.

bonnyshide · 10/03/2018 18:45

I don't understand why your meat eating DH can't feed his own child meat?

Original poster

SchoolMoney · 10/03/2018 18:48

We had agreed DS could try meat when he's old enough to ask if that's what he wants. It seemed like the fairest compromise. It's that he deliberately did something he knew would upset me and felt the need to tell me when it was done. That's what I'm so annoyed about.
The reason I do everything for DS is because otherwise it doesn't get done.

OP posts:

Charolais · 10/03/2018 18:49

I will not allow the flesh of dead animals in my house, let alone put it into a child's mouth. My husband is not a vegetarian and he knew the deal before we got married 35 yrs ago. He is okay with it. Bless his heart, he read what the ingredients were before he fed our son anything.

Most meat eaters don’t understand how disgusting meat is to people like me. I’m not doing this for my own health reasons. It’s an ethical choice. Most people who eat meat would never dream of killing a dog and eating it and this makes them huge fucking hypocrites in my eyes.

Okay; rant over.

Quartz2208 · 10/03/2018 18:51

Doesnt get done or doesnt get done to the way you want it too.

I dont think he is on board Im afraid with your compromise (which I will be honest is as fair as allowing him to eat meat until he chooses not to)

YearOfYouRemember · 10/03/2018 18:51

Probably did it so you would carry on doing "everything" and he'd never have to look after his child alone again.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 18:54

So you do everything for your son, then your H scolds you for not having prepared anything, then he tells you that you are cruel for actually expecting him to care for his own child for 5 hours, then he punishes you by feeding your son meat. There's your answer, he did it to punish you.

NapQueen · 10/03/2018 18:54

The meat thing is the least of your worries. Your dh does not parent his son independently. Thats shameful. And calls you for taking time to do something else alone. And for not prepping stuff before you leave!

Im not going to touch on the veggie thing.

Oldraver · 10/03/2018 18:55

Was bringing up your DS to be a vegetarian a joint choice or your own decision ?

If your DH has agreed not to give DS meat then he was being a bit twatty to do this when you were away. If he has changed his mind now was not the time to discuss this.

However he is being a manipulative controlling twat to tell you he has fed DS meat and for you to come home...The being cruel comment was uncalled for.

PutUpWithRain · 10/03/2018 18:55

For balance, both ExP & I are meat-eaters, but I was brought up as a vegetarian. We agreed that both DC should be raised as vegetarian until they were old enough to be able to decide for themselves if they wanted to eat meat. It wasn't controlling, it was making sure that they understood what they were eating, and that they wouldn't be upset/unhappy that they'd eaten meat before they could choose.

DS is now an omnivore, DD a pescaterian. My ex is many things, but I will always admire him for supporting my suggestion that the DCs didn't eat meat until they understood what it was.

Sounds like your DH flounders a bit when faced with actual parenting, and blames you for it. Not ok. You need to have a chat together, and explain that he can't punish you when he feels out of his depth. Your DS is his child too.

Creambun2 · 10/03/2018 18:57

Why are many vegetarians so extreme? You want people to respect your choice, well respect other people's choice to eat meat then

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 10/03/2018 19:00

This isn’t about meat. This is about a fucked up dynamic you have going in your house that you need to break. You start by stop being a martyr.

crazydoglady6867 · 10/03/2018 19:02

I raised both my dc’s vegan 1 is 25 one is 23 1 still vegan the other loves her meat. If my DH (meat eater) ever looked after them and cooked for them he would feed them what he wanted, as they were not just my children I didn’t feel I had the right to dictate to him how he helped me raise our children. Do you see what I am trying to say here, this is not just your child.

ProperLavs · 10/03/2018 19:02

Seems to me that your DH is not happy with ds being given only veggie food. It matters not one jot whether you do most of the caring, he is not only your son.

CoraPirbright · 10/03/2018 19:05

Aside from the meat/vegi issue, what I cant get my head around his your DPs appalling rudeness. He has been invited to a thing. Whether its a christening/dinner/bbq/party or whatever, he should have decided on his course of action and informed the hostess. To dither and prevaricate (and because of the fucking rugby of all things) is incredibly out of order. He has to be catered for when he has been invited to something......or is he just fine to be out of pocket when he has bought food/drink etc and someone can’t be bothered to turn up. Frankly, his manners are abysmal.

toomanyweeds · 10/03/2018 19:05

Vegetarian threads never go well on mn. Anything implying criticism of meat eaters seems to get many MNers in a tiz (much like criticism of the royal family ).

OP if you have made a joint decision to raise your child veggie then of course you ANBU to be pissed off when he goes back on his word.

puglife15 · 10/03/2018 19:07

Your "D" H sounds like a selfish prick to me.

Did he want children?

bonnyshide · 10/03/2018 19:09

It sounds like your problems with DH and his parenting have nothing to do with food choices and run deeper

happyvalley74 · 10/03/2018 19:09

I agree, you need some team work and balance in your house.

It doesn't sound like you and your DH are any sort of team. He's all about his way and you are all about having it your way. He also sounds like he has the emotions of an 8 year old, and the emotional manipulation is calling you cruel for staying out is unacceptable.

ShovingLeopard · 10/03/2018 19:12

Sounds like he had a strank because he had to look after your DS, rather than be able to watch the rugby in peace. And is punishing you, and making sure you don't enjoy the christening. I expect he thinks childcare is solely your responsibility, and that he is above all that.

Original poster

SchoolMoney · 10/03/2018 19:12

I know vegetarian threads don't usually go well here but I couldn't think of a way to explain it without saying exactly what it was.

It's the refusal to have a discussion and just going ahead knowing I don't agree with it that fucking hurts.

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 10/03/2018 19:14

It’s an ethical choice. Most people who eat meat would never dream of killing a dog and eating it and this makes them huge fucking hypocrites in my eyes

I think you are a hypocrite also. You kill animals to eat eggs, and cheese and drink milk.

We are all entitled to our choices, OPs husband has the right to eat dead flesh just as you have the right to ignore that male chicks are ground down whilst alive to let you have eggs and that dairy calves are taken for slaughter so that you can have milk.

I never judge anyones choice until they start to judge others.

DammitPatrice · 10/03/2018 19:15

If OP views eating meat as a bad thing, shouldn't it mean they should raise their kids the same??

Not if the other parents disagrees.

MadameJosephine · 10/03/2018 19:16

This is not about the meat. This is about controlling behaviour and punishing you for daring to go out.

My exH once painted my hallway bright neon yellow with 2yo DS’s help while I was out on a rare day out at the races with friends. It was a deliberate attempt to control me as he allowed DS to choose the colour and he was so pleased with himself

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