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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH not to bother

82 replies

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 10/03/2018 14:17

Mother’s Day
I have sorted my mum and DHs Mum, got cards and presents from us and from DS as well.
DH told me this morning he is taking DS to asda (he always leaves stuff till the last minute). DS has come down with a temp and is led on the sofa, I am in the kitchen and I heard DH say to DS we will go tomorrow and Mummy will just have to wait for her present till the afternoon and if you are still feeling poorly then daddy will choose something for you.

I just feel like saying don’t bother if you couldn’t get organised.

OP posts:
MissEliza · 10/03/2018 16:33

They reap what they sow. Utter bollocks. For the first six or seven years of being a mother I got nothing. Dh was, by his own admission, an arsehole. Something clicked after having dc3 and if anything, goes over the top now. I never said anything at the time because I knew the dcs would take care of it when they were old enough. However mil has a history of complaining via fil about his efforts for Mother's Day and I think that has made him a bit stubborn and not make much effort for her. I certainly don't do anything for her.

MissEliza · 10/03/2018 16:36

I would add Op that lots of people leave it to the last minute. I've just come back from Waitrose and was getting pissed off with people hovering around choosing gifts. It's bad luck your ds is ill but I don't think your dh is that unusual.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 10/03/2018 16:39

YANBU.
i don't like men like him. he sounds not arsed, selfish and lazy.
Stop sorting his presents for him, first off.

LondonJax · 10/03/2018 16:45

YANBU

I'd be very hurt if I overheard the remark 'Mummy will just have to wait for her present'. I'm afraid I'd have to take my DH to one side and say 'maybe it'd be better to say I'm sure mummy won't mind having to wait'. Same meaning but the first just implies getting you something is a nuisance, the second implies you'd understand if it were late (which I'm sure you would, especially if DC is ill). It'd just show DH to be a little more thoughtful with words.

As for buying his DM gifts - I've never bought my DH's family presents. Not because I don't care for them but I work, I have DS and I have my own Dsis, BIL, DM etc., just the same as DH does. If I can do it so can he.

MissEliza · 10/03/2018 16:53

London that's a fair point. It's being unkind to the little boy as well as I bet he'll feel bad for not having something to give to his mum tomorrow.

cloudyweewee · 10/03/2018 16:59

Why are you sorting DH's mum's present and card?

Hellsbellscockleshells · 10/03/2018 17:00

Yadnbu - I usually get a card and some Thornton’s chocolates which I hate from Morrison’s hate last minute. DH usually says somewhere round about 11.30 - 1pm on Mother’s Day maybe we meaning me should have got organised and booked a table somewhere and gone out for meal by which time I am in a foul mood and usually have to go out and by myself a small but nice bunch of flowers.

KittenBeast · 10/03/2018 17:04

I couldn't really give a cock. We're not that type of family. I laugh every year because they go out on mother's day in the morning to find whatever is left in the Card Factory.

Ilovemaryberry · 10/03/2018 17:10

Yanbu.
Like my other half it's left to last minute. They don't actually want to get a gift but feel like they have to and they toddle down to asda and get flowers and a card.
It would be nice to actually be appreciated and a bit of thought to go into a gift, after all they know what we like and know us well.
My partner asked me what I wanted so I said something from Dunelm. He then phones me at work to say shall I just go down the shop with you 'some time and you can choose something. We both know that we are busy on Sunday due to dds birthday party so I won't be getting anything on mother's day. Just feel like saying oh fuck it I don't want anything....what I actually wanted was for you to care enough to put effort into a gift.

First world problems but its so frustrating

Knittedfairies · 10/03/2018 17:12

Why is the day before Mothers' day 'last minute'? Lots of people will be in Asda today buying flowers and chocolates.

DalekDalekDalek · 10/03/2018 17:15

Why is the day before Mothers' day 'last minute'? Lots of people will be in Asda today buying flowers and chocolates.

^This.

Would it have been better if he'd been in to Asda last weekend and bought a bunch of flowers which would be dead by tomorrow?

ShiftyMcGifty · 10/03/2018 17:16

The parking lot was heaving at our local shopping centre today. Panicked blokes desperately combing the gift aisles of Boots with kids trailing behind. It winds me up too.

I loudly voiced my concerns last year about the lack of planning on Mother’s Day and that I wanted to see effort and forethought rather than an expensive scented candle or perfume. I explained his part of the gift is to teach our kids and lead by example. Result.

This year, the kids have done craft projects via their school, so DH is facilitating in their grand plan to do breakfast in bed for me tomorrow. My youngest has been watching me like a hawk all week while I make my morning coffee, determined to make the perfect cup tomorrow. They’ve snuck off to the shops pick out some muffins earlier and just now I’ve heard giggling upstairs. They were making your flower bouquet, DH confirmed. I suggested to him last week that he buy some mint, cheap tulips or daffodils and snip some rosemary from the backyard and get the boys to try putting them together themselves. Apparently, they had a lot of fun and are quite chuffed at having a go at flower arranging Grin. And I love that DH remembered and helped them rather than picking out an overpriced, ready made arrangement.

Frogletmamma · 10/03/2018 17:21

I got to visit the florists today and get what I like for tomorrow. This suits me as I got exactly what I wanted and didn't pay extra for all the wrappings and cards

thebear1 · 10/03/2018 17:25

Yanbu to feel like an afterthought, but surely it will upset your ds if he has nothing to give you. Perhaps a quiet word once the day itself is over?

StaplesCorner · 10/03/2018 17:30

Does it matter what you get? I used to pick primroses for my mum and give her a home made card. They cost nothing. - you've completely missed the OP's point!! Your gift was worth a million dollars to your mum - I am pretty sure the OP would have loved this as well, if her DH had suggested to what I assume is a young DS "Shall we do this for mummy?". And suggested it a couple of days ago.

I too spend time carefully choosing and planning gifts etc for everyone else, then get whatever is available just before the shops close; every time. When the DDs were young DH used to upset them no end by taking them out too late to get anything nice and bullying them into putting back everything they chose and getting a cheap card and £1 shop chocolates For father's day one year I got his uncle's painting framed that he'd been meaning to sort out for years, took a month to organise.

As for the poster who said it doesn't matter in her family, again how is that relevant to the thread? You don't care, clearly the OP does and the only reason she isn't getting something nice tomorrow is because her DH is a dickhead. "Mummy will just have to wait!" my arse.

GrannyGrissle · 10/03/2018 17:31

How old is DS? I choose and buy my own present (designer shoes i will never wear - Need a cheer up). I fully intend to coach DD (4) to use online shopping and she can then set to with my Visa card. Yes your DH is a lazy uncaring twat and i'd be pissed off with being a last minute afterthought.

Inertia · 10/03/2018 17:31

It's not about the present, it's about the lack of giving a shit about the other members of your family. OP's son would like to get a present for his mum, but can't do it on his own. OP isn't asking for the crown jewels or a yacht, just something that's been bought or made with a little bit of consideration for her.

In your position, I would let DH organise his own cards and presents for his mother next time, and I'd leave his birthday cards and presents until the afternoon of his birthday. Your son will probably want to do something for Fathers' Day, so I'd probably go with helping him to make a card and a craft based gift for Dad (ideally to take to work, like a playdough paperweight ).

Bexter801 · 10/03/2018 17:35

To be honest I don't think your being unreasonable,why did he feel the need to put pressure on your son,by even mentioning that they'll just wait to see if he gets better..he's feeling unwell(by the tone used,I'm guessing your son is quite young?) He could have made it a lot easier and meaningful,by asking your son,what he thinks is a good idea to get mummy for mum's day,because he's going to go get it tonight,as of course you deserve it in time for tomorrow..and said something along the lines of him and ds could then both wrap it together,and write card.

Bexter801 · 10/03/2018 17:39

Or even go get your present,and make a card with ds,so he feels even more included and shown the importance,of how special it is to do something nice for you

bimbobaggins · 10/03/2018 17:41

If you leave him to do his own mothers then he can get yours at the same time, he can be the one killing two birds not you.

Sosog00d · 10/03/2018 17:49

Lovely post shifty

Ive told the kids i dont need or want a present but i would like them to cook me a lovely dinner. (they're at their dads this weekend - maybe
probably buying my card)

Eldest DC has been trawling the internet for recipes. Definitely getting chicken. Happy Days :)

I dont give a shit about gifts but i do care about consideration and feeling appreciated. I hope the kids learn this because its the sentiment as opposed to the show (for me at least)

Orangecake123 · 10/03/2018 18:01

I don't think your being unreasonable OP.

It's not the gift per se but about wanting to be appreciated.

LondonJax · 10/03/2018 18:01

I mentioned this post to DH.

His view? And it's something I hadn't thought of...'if the OP is getting all the gifts and cards for both sides of the family, what signal is that sending to the DS? That he doesn't have to worry about mum in future because his own DP/DW will do all the running about for her own and his mum? Bet that'll go down well when the DS is an adult. He'll have a big learning curve!'

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 10/03/2018 18:02

I am being really unreasonable as he is a great DH in other ways, he does more then his share with the house and with DS. I am just having a moan. I am sure I do something to get on his nerves as well

OP posts:
MissEliza · 10/03/2018 19:56

Chockywocky I totally understand your feelings. The comment about you having to wait until tomorrow is shitty and a crap lesson to your ds in how to treat his dm.
Trust me your ds will be upset at having nothing for you. What really matters is your relationship with him. Tell him you value spending time with him more than anything so he doesn't feel rotten. Tomorrow sit and have a cuddle together and watch a move. I did that with my small dcs when my dh didn't take them to buy gifts. Doing that kind of thing pays off in the long run trust me.

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