To tell DH not to bother

[Chocywockydodahhhhhh]

Mother’s Day
I have sorted my mum and DHs Mum, got cards and presents from us and from DS as well.
DH told me this morning he is taking DS to asda (he always leaves stuff till the last minute). DS has come down with a temp and is led on the sofa, I am in the kitchen and I heard DH say to DS we will go tomorrow and Mummy will just have to wait for her present till the afternoon and if you are still feeling poorly then daddy will choose something for you.

I just feel like saying don’t bother if you couldn’t get organised.

YANBU - he’s an adult and most adults manage to learn that you don’t leave things until last minute because stuff comes up (like your DC being ill!). And before anyone leaps on me and says the poor lamb might have been busy this week, well OP has confirmed that every present is a last minute afterthought, so it’s consistent behaviour.

OP, stop buying his mum a card and present. She’s he’s responsibility. And also speak to him. Tell him how always being an afterthought makes you feel. If he gives no fucks and nothing changes, well you know where you stand and you can choose how to proceed.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all.
I read something yesterday in a thread that stuck with me as a great idea. Two weeks before any gift giving -birthday xmas or Mother's Day - put it in the calendar to do something together, during the day out turn round and say Mum is going to do xyz while you and Dad go and sort out my present.

We've postponed Mother's Day for a couple of weeks because it doesn't suit us as a family. Not a biggie, we'll pick a day when everyone is well, maybe over Easter, and I'll relax and have some craic with the kids (all teenagers).

Much more fun for me than having a Hallmark day.

I'm happy with being taken out to a nice up-market burger place and a nice home-made card :-) Tulips are nice too (my favourite flowers) and my DD can buy these with her pocket money as they are usually cheap.

@Chocywockydodahhhhhh You're not really being too unreasonable though, it sounds like this is a bit more than just about Mother's Day..

I can't get too worked up about whether your present gets bought today or tomorrow, tbh.

BUT do stop buying your DH's mother's present! You're not his PA.

My DH is not good at Mother's Day, birthdays & Christmas but I cut him some slack because I understand the reasons (he grew up very poor in an Asian country and never had a present in his entire childhood so it's not something he's used to). Sometimes he doesn't even remember when it's his own birthday!! I have learnt to attach less importance to gifts because he gives a great deal in other ways. When the children were small he would take them out to choose flowers or help them bake something on Mother's Day, but always at the last minute!

I see the bots jumped in here quickly at the start of the thread. First post is a cracker.

YANBU

If she doesn't buy something for his mum, she won't get anything, so essentially you're all suggesting she punishes his mum. That's not fair either.

YANBU. It's not the gift, it's the thought, and if no or little thought has gone into something then it's like a slap in the face. And what are the kid's learning from this? For me, this is the worst thing. My DH is the same and it bugs me that he is teaching our boys to be inconsiderate like this. So as a result I stopped buying cards and flowers for his mother on Mothers Day and every MD since I made sure I got up early and went out for a day on my own so that I would not feel resentful about the lack of care and consideration. I do still generally resent it, of course, but by having a nice day going for a swim and reading a book on my own in a cafe I can at least be happy instead of fed up on the day. It's not a solution, but a coping mechanism.

Surely anyone who buys their own Mother's day gift, or argues over what they receive is completely missing the point! A gift and a card, traditionally a few spring flowers or chocolates, must be freely given, not hinted at, bought yourself or suggested/asked for? This behaviour renders them completely worthless! Appreciation isn't valid if it has to be begged for. Have the self respect to gladly receive anything you are given with good grace. When did people become so grabby?

Yabu to give a toss about Mother’s Day at all, let alone get the hump because your husband has not organised whatever stuff it is that people who care about this nonsense seem to want, quickly enough for your liking.
Does he make a fuss over Father’s Day like this? I’ll bet he doesn’t. What’s it all about?

“Just don’t bother then.”

Good. I won’t. Hurrah!
Spontaneous thoughtfulness means so much more than forced Hallmark occasions. Yabu.

It's not a matter of being grabby. So many women do so much for their family and this time of year is very stressful if they feel completely unappreciated.

First World minor annoyance or what. Come on, what's wrong with a bit of ASDA tat!

YANBU I don't believe this is about the gift it's about being thought about. Given that you probably do most of the caregiving etc it's nice to be shown appreciation be it Mother's Day or any other day! It's just nice to have someone say Thank you, I appreciate all that you do and I love you.

Perhaps when Father's Day rolls around you could afford your dh the same courtesy, no present.

It's not even necessarily about what you receive, well not in my book anyway - it's the fact that my children are disappointed not to have stuff ready to give me!

HAving said that - last minute bargains from the local supermarket aren't great. Or chocolates when I'm on a diet - but that again is all about lack of thought. :(

YABU - sounds like a clash of styles, you are the organised type and he's not (or not to the same extent). It's not as if he's ignoring the day or completely forgotten and there's nothing wrong with getting something from a supermarket.

How old is DS? Because telling your DH not to bother is actually snubbing your DS not your DH.

I don't disagree with you that it's annoying your DH is always so last minute. I also think he's setting a poor example for your DS on two levels - one being how we prioritise the people we love and two being that he's teaching your DS by example that men leave stuff till the last minute, put no thought into it and then women should be grateful for crumbs. In a way, he's setting a precedent that women do the emotional labour and wife work. That would annoy me about it.

Totally agree with you there utter.

No, I don't think yabu. It's really frustrating living with someone disorganised. I too see it as lack of effort and thought. Valentines for example- I asked my dh if we were bothering this year as I WASN'T BOTHERED. No, no of course we were bothering, so I buy card and present (dvd I knew he wanted and a box of m&ms and m&s dine in). Come the day he hasn't even got me a card as he hasn't had time. The annoying thing was I wasn't bothered in the first place, it was him he wanted to do it. So I know where you're coming from. Why should you have to wait until the afternoon because he can be arsed to go out until tomorrow morning. The cards have been in the shops for ages. I also hate people sending birthday cards etc late. After a week or so what the point!!

I do think you knew what he was like when you got together with him long term, and obviously felt he had other redeeming or balancing qualities.
To be honest I read it as he is trying to be supportive of your DS who maybe feels miserable that he is too ill to get you a present.

If she doesn't buy something for his mum, she won't get anything, so essentially you're all suggesting she punishes his mum. That's not fair either.

I think there's a fairly good chance that her son will still be with us by next March. Perhaps he could buy his mother a Mother's Day gift! And maybe buy his wife a gift at the same time!!

So many women do so much for their family and this time of year is very stressful if they feel completely unappreciated.

But in many cases they reap what they sow. We tell people how to treat us. I have a family member who is almost horrified at the thought of anyone spending time or money on her. "Why?! It's only me, don't get me anything" as if she's the most worthless person on the planet, yet she pulls out all the stops for everyone else.

One thing women should do is assume the men they choose to share their lives with are at least competent enough to manage their own family's' birthdays. If he gets into the grown up habit of noting down and remembering family birthdays he'll probably remember his wife too. And after a few awkward occasions where he was too late, he'll learn to get organizes. Then he'll finally be buying gifts on time for his loved ones - like a big boy!