Is it unreasonable not to visit a grave?

[immortalmarble]

By an unfortunate coincidence my mother died twenty years ago tomorrow (mother’s day) when I was 17.

I have never liked going to my parents’ grave. I recognise some people find it comforting or peaceful but I don’t. It doesn’t upset me but I just feel very flat and unmoved.

To be honest, I do not want to go and would be quite happy if I never went again. But I worry my parents’ friends think I am cold, heartless, whatever.

Be honest - like I say it does not bother me!

I hate it. It makes me sad but also gives me guilt I'm not maintaining them. I have asked dd to cremate and scatter me so she never has to feel like that.

Of course not ! Remember your parents in your own way. Plenty of people find comfort in visiting grave and plenty don't it just depends on the person.

I don't visit graves. I don't visit the baby garden my children are scattered in either.

It means something to some people and does nothing for others.

Don't be guilted into going, you will have your own ways to remember her

It’s completely up to you, everyone is different. Some people find comfort in ‘visiting’ their dead relatives, I’m not sure I would as I don’t feel like a person is their body (only have experience of cremation with people close to me) I don’t think you should worry about what anyone else thinks, and how would they know when you do and don’t go anyway?

I personally don't like graves, I prefer to remember a person in a place where they were happy, or we shared memories.

You could plant a tree or a little flower garden instead, and use that.

That said, I can see why a graveside can be a comfort and lots do take lots of care of loved ones graves, it's just not for me.

I wouldn’t go. It’s not your mum there, it’s just a shell. It may give comfort to some, but I’ve never seen the point.

No it's fine!

I rarely visit my mum's grave. Maybe once every year or two? But wouldn't have an issue not going again.

You remember people in a way that's meaningful to you. A grave is just an arbitrary location.

I don't like it at all either.

It's completely up to you, we remember people in different ways.

Everyone grieves differently, so yanbu.

That said, my mum died (on an equally unfortunate date as it’s a major holiday and the birthday of my eldest dc)! One of my siblings doesn’t visit the grave. The thing which I find a bit off about that is the way it’s said like; “it doesn’t mean anything to me . It’s just a bit of stone”. It does come across as cold tbh, but it’s probably because this sibling has form for being a bit self serving, insensitive and lacking in empathy at times. If it was someone who was otherwise sensitive to other people’s feelings, I wouldn’t feel it was cold, just personal choice.

DH has never been to his dad’s grave - in 24 yrs. He says his dad is not there. MIL has never been either.

Your mum is not in the grave. You remember her how you want and to hell with what anyone else thinks.

Sorry you lost your mum.

Thanks!

I think if it actually upset me, or caused old wounds to reopen, it might be different. As it is, I just feel a bit nonplussed and it feels like another irritating task which is probably wrong!

I haven’t felt any real sadness or sense of loss about my mum for ages; she has been dead longer than I have been alive so my memories of her are not particularly clear.

I think it's perfectly OK to do whatever you like. It is nobody else's business how you remember your Mum.

My DH's sibling visits their parents graves on birthdays, anniversary of death etc. My DH never visits. They both loved their parents dearly.

It really doesn't matter x

OP YADNBU and anyone that tells you you are is heartless and judgemental. You should remember your mum in the way that is right for you. Your Mum as the person you know her is not in that grave anyway. Your Mum as you knew her is your memories and is part of you. Sorry for your loss

What business is it of your parents friends’ what you do to honour them? Would they actually ask?

You live every day with the loss and the memories of your parents and how you choose to grieve for them or celebrate anniversaries etc is entirely up to you.
You are NOT wrong at all, please don’t think that. I am certain your parents would not want you to do anything you didn’t want to either. 💕

I'd like to go and see my Parent's grave now and then but I live 200 miles away. That's me though, we're all different, you do what you're comfortable with.

The inhabitant of the grave is not going to notice or care.

You should grieve in your own way and not follow what others dictate.

YDNBU.

My DH’s GP died when he was a young child. Every year after that his parents would wake up on Christmas Day (and every other celebration) and they would visit the graves before presents could be opened. I think that is quite hard on a child who barely remembers their GP’s

They still do this on every holiday/celebration/birthday. Fine for them but not for us. MIL has openly stated that she would like us to do the same for her when her time comes. It won’t be happening!

No, it's not unreasonable. You do whatever you are most comfortable doing and ignore anybody who is judging you - they can go if they want to.

I never visit my baby's grave as it's not the right thing for me to do, they won't know or care will they? Neither will your mother.

I think I would quite like a bench in a lovely country park where family can go and have a picnic!

I am very uncomfortable visiting graves of people I knew in life. Frankly I think the concept is horrible.

You do what works for you. They are dead and gone.

I don't visit graves my mum doesn't either I guess it isn't a comfort to us, Don't fret about what other people think.