Is it unreasonable not to visit a grave?

[immortalmarble]

By an unfortunate coincidence my mother died twenty years ago tomorrow (mother’s day) when I was 17.

I have never liked going to my parents’ grave. I recognise some people find it comforting or peaceful but I don’t. It doesn’t upset me but I just feel very flat and unmoved.

To be honest, I do not want to go and would be quite happy if I never went again. But I worry my parents’ friends think I am cold, heartless, whatever.

Be honest - like I say it does not bother me!

I have an uncle who has never been back to visit my Granddad/his Father's grave since the funeral 20 years ago.

I like graveyards, find them peaceful so it doesn't bother me but I can understand that it might and I think it's fine not to go if you don't want.

I only go occasionally to DMs grave, I won't be going tomorrow. If I went I would rather go when it is quieter, the graveyard will be heaving tomorrow.

Everyone remembers in their own way.

My DDad hasn't got a grave as my and my DM haven't faced up to the fact we need to collect his ashes. I've also purposely forgot what day he died on so I don't do the anniversary either.

However I think about him a lot, I talk about him to my DH who only met him a couple of times. DM talks to him all the time, has photos of him around the house.

We have a continuing bond with him in our own way - we don't need a grave or flowers or a day.

My DH doesn't like visiting his dad's grave. It's caused problems with his DM and DB as they both visit on a regular basis.

I think everyone copes differently. Doesn't made you a bad person at all.

I live 250+ miles away from where my parent is buried, if I am visiting family/friends I do try to go. I am the only one who would visit so it's more to check it's not too neglected looking, so I take a pair of scissors for a clean up. You don't need to go to a cemetery to remember loved ones.

You've all made me feel so much better. Mum died 4 years ago and every anniversary or mother's Day etc I've called a florist and then had my dad or brother pick up the flowers to put on my mum's grave. My brother hates going and my dad is sick and being truly annoying at the moment!
Plus someone's chosen the flowers, another placed them and all I've done is gotten my credit card out!!!

This year I've bought a lovely candle with flowers in it and I'll light it on special occasions and take flowers when I'm there to visit !!!

I'm not a grave visitor either. I don't often visit the place DC is but when I do I stand around and stare at some trees for a minute feeling out of place and then go. I still think of him and miss him every single day. I know someone who goes for grave side chats regularly and puts the whole thing on Facebook. We all do it differently - there is no right or wrong way. There is no way that means we love our missed ones any more or less.

On DC's birthday I stayed home, bought a beautiful bunch of white flowers to put in the window for him. You'll have your own ways that feel right. Yanbu at all OP

I haven't visited my daughter's grave in about 5 years (she died 12 years ago). Every time it set me right back to the earliest stages of grief and loss and it would take me months to recover. As I approached her grave the first thing that would hit me was the awful, horrifying smallness of it (she died at birth). I am overwhelmed by the memory of walking behind her tiny coffin and the physical agony of seeing the earth being thrown into the grave and the echoing sound it made as it landed on the coffin.

If she is able to know anything at all then she knows that I love her and that her death was and is devastating to me. She would absolutely not want me to distress myself by going to the one place where I really can't cope with her loss. Somehow, I have to get through the rest of my life without her and I have almost worked out a workable way to do that. There is no lack of love for her in my absence from her burial place, I just cannot cope with the pain.

How would these people even know whether you have visited the grave or not? Do they have CCTV trained on it or stand vigilant by it all the time?

Fil goes to the cemetery regularly to where mil is buried. He used to go daily. Dh always goes when we visit. It took dh a hell of a long time to understand that no, I don’t want to go and see his mothers grave. He had a total disconnect between my visiting his mother and the fact that he had never seen or visited my own fathers grave as I don’t go there. At first I went to support dh. But after that no, just no. Not my thing.

You do your thing. I’m only now really working through my anger with my father for not having been there to protect me from my mother and brother and for not being the person I needed. I don’t mean after he died. I mean he was always working so never around. I had pretty piss poor parenting all round and it took me a very long time to see him for the ordinary person he was and take him off the pedestal. In the 30 years since his death I’ve been to his grave a handful of times.

It is up to you.
Some people feel the need to visit often and that is up to them.
No one should dictate how someone remembers their loved one.

My DF's grave is in a town I hate. I have no reason to go there apart from his grave so I have only been once.

My DD's ashes are in my living room and I see them every day.

My choice. No one else's business.

I think you should do what is best for you. My grandparents don't have graves - their request as they didn't want anyone else to have to pay for the upkeep or feel guilty for not visiting! I think this is typical of their kindness and consideration.

YANBU. I have several friends who've never been back to their parents' graves since the funeral. It's not how some people want to remember. You grieve and remember in the way that's right for you

Theres is one grave i visit 3 times a year; birthday, anniversary of death and christmas. I have a lot of unresolved thoughts about this death and i like to go and think there.

If it helps anyone at all, if you don't want to go or can't go, you can hire a company to do basic maintenance a couple of times a year if you don't like the thought of it getting overgrown. I was going to do this for DM as my DF is now getting a bit stiff and finds bending down to clean and weed a bit difficult, but then we decided to move back there instead!

www.guardiangravecare.co.uk

Equally of course some people don't care because they don't think of the grave as being important - i.e. it's not where their loved one is - or because they like to leave it natural. Again, nobody else's business!

It's fine to remember loved ones whichever way you feel is most appropriate for you.
Some people take comfort from going, others don't. Both are perfectly acceptable.
My dh really does not like cemeteries at all, and prefers not to go (he has been a few times over the years- before we met, but every time he's said its hard for him).
I on the other hand take great comfort from going, especially to see family members I knew- my Nan and my great Nan mostly. I even took my wedding flowers all that way, so I could place them on the graves, so they were part of the day, so I felt they were included. I don't go anymore because I've moved 250 miles from where I'm from, which means where my family are buried. But I always went regularly before I moved.
Remember your loved ones in any way you like.

It’s a v personal choice whether or not to visit a grave.and you're not wrong in your choice

I don’t visit graves because the people I love are not there. If it gives you comfort to visit then it’s right that you do but no one should be compelled to go.

Completely agree

I have never visited graves of significant people I’ve lost.never will.its too raw
I’m aware there’s a perceived etiquette of visiting graves to visibly show how bereft one is
Don’t need to see the graves to know it’s real,nor do I have to justify or explain this rationale

I visit my parents grave quite often whereas my sister never goes. It does not bother me that she doesn't go. Saying that, if I didn't go and tidy it and put flowers on, it would be completely intended which I wouldn't like the thought of. Know what you mean about judging - I once put some flowers on the grave with a discount sticker on that I forgot to take off and my mum's friend made a nasty comment.... It was in the first year and I was only 21

Should say untended not intended!

I'm glad you posted this OP. I was feeling guilty as my DSis wanted me to and visit the place our mother's (and stepfather's) ashes were scattered and then have lunch. I don't want to and said I had other plans.

I'm not insensitive or self-serving, I would just prefer to remember her quietly, myself. Also my Dsis is very maudlin and would start crying. We also have different experiences of her as a mother. I never felt loved and I didn't really love her. My Dsis was much closer to her.

I feel better reading all the posts on here.

I have no idea where my mother's ashes are..my dads are interred in a family plot in a beautiful place. I visit when we go there which is once a year....but sometimes don't. Other relatives maintain it.
I don't feel I need to go there to remember him.