Is it unreasonable not to visit a grave?

[immortalmarble]

By an unfortunate coincidence my mother died twenty years ago tomorrow (mother’s day) when I was 17.

I have never liked going to my parents’ grave. I recognise some people find it comforting or peaceful but I don’t. It doesn’t upset me but I just feel very flat and unmoved.

To be honest, I do not want to go and would be quite happy if I never went again. But I worry my parents’ friends think I am cold, heartless, whatever.

Be honest - like I say it does not bother me!

Both my parents were cremated so I don't have a grave to visit, but it would never occur to me to visit the crematorium on their anniversaries either. It is 250 miles away and a horrible journey. I remember them in my head all the time.

I've never been to my grandmother's grave, which is the only one with a clear location; my mum's ashes were scattered at the beach and my brother's grave is in a vast unmarked plot in another country.

It doesn't matter - I remember them anyway, wherever I am. Anyone with any experience of loss (or any sense) will not judge you.

I've never been back to anyone's grave. I remember them as they were when they were here.
How a person grieves and remembers their loved ones is personal and no one else's business. It is also absolutely normal for the acute pain of loss to fade over the years. It doesn't mean you're heartless.

I also want cremated and scattered.

I am not fond of visiting my DDs grave. I do go around the anniversary of her death and on her birthday but this is usually because my DM likes to go and likes me to go with her. I have never been in any way moved by her grave and it took me a whole load of counselling to understand we all grieve differently. To me DD is not there, she is within me, in my memories. She is always with me and i don't need to go and look at a stone to remember her.

Not something I have done. I have found it has helped me more to have a “touchstone” event around anniversaries, when I remember people I miss, but you you don’t remember people more or less, through visiting graves.

FWIW OP I lost an Aunt the same day, DD was due on the Tuesday and so I now always remember Aunt on DD’s Birthday.

My mum died 15 years ago and I have not been back to her grave since she was buried.
To me it’s not her there so it wouldnty give me any comfort to be there.
So no I don’t think it’s wrong to not go to visit a grave.

My grandfather passed away when I was 9. He was my best friend in the whole world and I always feel like if he hadn't died, my life would have been different. I don't feel resentful or anything but I can still sob just talking about him and my memories of him. I haven't been to his grave in a very long time, it upsets me too much.

So no, yanbu. Don't give a seconds thought to what everyone else thinks about you. It's your choice how you grieve and remember your loved ones and nobody should dictate that. If it makes you feel better, i have to put those feelings to the side also, i know how hard it can be, especially since my estranged mother has started visiting my grandfathers grave after many many years of not doing so. I'm sure it's guilt that drives her.

My mum knew someone who visited her husbands grave every day after he died.

I think everyone expresses grief in their own way and once you're past the grief, you should remember them in your own way too.

Thankfully my parents are still here but if they weren't I think I would get more from going on a walk at one of their favourite places or something like that. Having said that, my mum makes sure her auntie's grave is kept tidy and with nice flowers so I think I would do that for her too. I know she wouldn't want me to visit too much though. It's our belief that you're not there anymore anyway. Just your body left behind and your soul is elsewhere.

So much love to those who have lost someone, and a special mention for those who have lost a child

I just can’t even begin to imagine.

I have asked not to have a grave when I die. I don't want people to feel obligated to go. As you said OP it's a task to be done.

My auntie, nan and grandad have a grave in a cemetery and my mum and her sisters only visit on special occasions. Also they have moved away from the area, which makes it more of a chore to visit.

I realise it does bring comfort to people, but if it doesn't to you, do not go because of what others think. Everyone grieves differently

On an adjacent topic, I have visited two relatives after embalming (I.e. laid out in the chapel bit of the undertakers) and hated it both times. I visited my nan because my aunt and mum needed a lift/support; I visited my mum because my dad needed a lift/support. Can't say I enjoyed the experience either time, so I told my aunt I wasn't going to one again. She said I HAVE to go to hers and that I can put Mickey Mouse ears on her if I like, she won't mind

My (rambling) point is that the conventional methods of acceptable mourning certainly do not suit everyone, and eschewing them is fine. I will prob go to my aunt's one just for the Mickey Mouse ears though, tbf. She'd be laughing from above....

Totally up to you but to those who think it's pointless or horrible to visit a grave, I do take comfort from visiting my dad's. It's in a beautiful and special location I can only get to every few years and is always peaceful. I can think about my dad in life but also my other ancestors are there and it reminds me of life's passage in general. I find it bittersweet, obviously, but feel better for it. Like when you read a moving book. It'd be different if I felt there was no connection to the place he is buried though.

I don’t think anyone is saying that - it is just for them personally

I don’t actually know where my grandparents are buried.

Your grief is your grief alone to deal with however you see fit.

We cremated and scattered my Mum but I’ve not been back. My siblings like to do things to remember her on occasions such as Mother’s Day, her birthday, anniversary of her death but I choose not to join in. I like to deal with it my own way. YADNBU

Most people didn't, immortal. A couple did though, and I just wanted to say it isn't always morbid visiting a grave, can be quite life affirming. But definitely a personal thing. I know some people hate to see an untidy grave of a loved one and that part doesn't bother me at all, but I like that you can see the sea from it, even though I don't believe it's really my dad there. No right or wrong.

for you too. I'm sorry you lost your mum so young.

YANBU. My mum also died on Mother's Day (25 years ago now) and I was 16.

She doesn't have a grave (her ashes were scattered). I do pop some flowers at the place if I'm there (crematorium in my home town so about once a year on average) but these days I'm more likely to have flowers at home for her.

Also like you, because I was young, and because it was so long ago, I don't actively miss her. I haven't ever been a grown up with a mum. The past year has been the most difficult (two MCs) and I do wonder how different things would have been with her around.

Do your parents friends make a habit of checking up on all their deceased friends graves to see if their family are visiting? I can imagine them with a little notebook giving points for flower quality and general tidiness, "Garage carnations George ? With the wrapping paper left on? I think we can only give a 3 for them."

you do what you need to do to remember your mum.

I don't go either. Never have, won't tomorrow.

for everyone who has lost someone.

em

I know what you mean and I think you have explained it well. My mother was very unwell in the eighteen months or so leading up to her death - she had always had a tendency towards being quite demanding and strict, to the point where my brother and I were scared to go near her when we were little, which in turn made her furious as in her eyes we favoured our father. In my mid teens her demands tipped over into out and out cruelty and lashing out physically and verbally. So although I felt sorry for her, as I would for anyone dying before their time so to speak, I felt no real sense of personal loss.

I do see the relationships my friends have with their mums and realise what could have been but not for me to question why, etc.

Also, you can create with your own children and I hope you will have a successful pregnancy and tomorrow doesn’t throw up any sadness, just hope

This is exactly why my brother and parents were cremated. I haven't visited the place where the ashes were scattered. All three of them are still very much alive in my heart.

viques, I suppose I just don’t want to be gossiped about and yes, I can well imagine some of my mother’s friends tutting and self righteously shaking their heads and saying it looks like no one has been to that grave for years, but she always was a cold one, remember how she ...

My parents don’t have graves. Their ashes were scattered in places they chose. One which is hundreds of miles away. I’ve never been back to visit

I've visited my father's grave once, with my mother, and that was with the vicar because we were sure his plot was wrongly marked (pre headstone). Neither of us have been since - and we were right, they had marked the wrong grave. My mother has never been to her parents' grave, nor those of her siblings. My aunt visits her husband's grave almost daily, and says to my mother "Oh we went to see John yesterday, he was looking fine, and we took him some more flowers and planted a small tree." For her, he is there and probably appreciates her visits. My father would have wanted no fuss.