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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ladies man? Am I being an idiot.....

54 replies

Comerainorshine1 · 10/03/2018 08:24

Please advise! I’ll try to be brief. I separated from my husband (my choice) a couple of years ago. We both got on with our lives but stayed in contact as we have children and it was amicable. He rediscovered a social life including going on to dating sites and I got on with things and had a relationship. Fast forward to a month ago I’m now single and he hasn’t met anyone he really wants to be with. We talked recently and he asked if there was a chance to try again, wanted to date and start from the beginning again. Tbh I had reservations but agreed to dinner. We went out had a great time and he said he still loved me. I asked if he was still using dating sites to which he replied “ no, if I wanted the single life I’d stay as I am but I want to make it work with you”. Since the dinner he has been calling/texting and wants me to go away with him at Easter. Can’t put my finger on it but it doesn’t feel right, so I decided to test it out. I set up a fake profile on a site I know he uses and messaged him saying “ hi, you look lovely I’d like to send you a photo” he replied I instantly saying “ Send away😀” I couldn’t believe it! It’s hardly incriminating but I feel like carrying it in to then have something to show him if I confront him. Am I being unreasonable in that we aren’t officially together yet? I just feel lied to and really don’t trust him

OP posts:
Justanotherzombie · 10/03/2018 08:29

No. I personally wouldn't want to get involved with him knowing he responded to that message. He's still clearly keeping his options open.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 10/03/2018 08:29

When you decided to split initially was it due to him lying?
I think the photo thing is kind of unfair, you haven't committed to him. Maybe send him a photo of yourself with the caption 'thought you weren't looking to get with anyone else?!' And see what happens.
I personally wouldn't get back with him though, you split once already so must've been for valid reasons.

letsdolunch321 · 10/03/2018 08:30

A woman with my own heart.

In my opinion nothing wrong with doing what you are doing, you are simply seeing if he has changed, clearly he has not. I would forget about going anywhere with him - when he asks why you don’t want to go ..... simply show him the evidence.

He is a lying scum bag bastard who is out for himself.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/03/2018 08:31

^this^

applesandpears56 · 10/03/2018 08:31

Why did you split initially?
I don’t think you can get annoyed as you and your exh aren’t back together yet

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/03/2018 08:33

Oh that didn't work! I meant send a photo of yourself and ask if he likes Pina Coladas

MairzyDoats · 10/03/2018 08:33

I think you can get annoyed - he basically lied to your face and that's a very good reason not to trust him again. Plus, you split up the first time for a reason...

hibbledibble · 10/03/2018 08:35

He lied to you. It doesn't matter as they the status of your relationship. Yanbu

YvonneGoolagongsDugongDoug · 10/03/2018 08:36

Nah, give him the swerve. He lied. End of.

Original poster
Comerainorshine1 · 10/03/2018 08:37

That’s why I’m confused know I haven’t committed to him but he was so convincing about being back together. I have children to consider too so going back isn’t just about me it has to be right but the fact he replied instantly was worrying when he said he didn’t use the sites anymore is making me feel uncomfortable. Whose to say he won’t carry on using them if I go back? Surely if he wanted it to work he just wouldn’t go on them??? We split because we were constantly arguing and it was a bad atmosphere for the kids I felt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comerainorshine1 · 10/03/2018 08:38

He has got a bad temper and used to belittle me often it was a terrible thing for the kids to see

OP posts:
littledinosaurs · 10/03/2018 08:40

Steer clear OP. Care for your kids, find someone else. This ship has sailed.

SparklyMagpie · 10/03/2018 08:40

I'd send him a photo of you

I wouldn't bother trying again tbh, this will bother you now if you decide to try again and if you split because of arguing last time, it won't be long till you're both at it again

Original poster
Comerainorshine1 · 10/03/2018 08:41

What I think is that he rediscovered a whole new world of Singleton (fair enough) but now seems to not want to let it go but wants his wife back. Having his cake and eating it I suppose. I don’t want to risk going back when it doesn’t seem as though he’s changed

OP posts:
Original poster
Comerainorshine1 · 10/03/2018 08:42

Singledom

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 10/03/2018 08:45

Oh I'm sorry. No you definitely need to give him a miss unfortunately.
Yes you could simply send him a photo of you holding up an appropriately worded placard.

bricksareheavy · 10/03/2018 08:47

Your ex might deny he would have pursued anything if someone was merely asking to send them a photo.

Could you respond to him on the dating site with something a bit more direct that would prove your point a bit more, i.e. ask him if he’s interested in a date or something?

whoareyoukidding · 10/03/2018 08:48

You split up for a reason, I agree with the others who say it would be a terrible idea to go back to him after what has just happened.

Squeegle · 10/03/2018 08:51

I would probably challenge him and give him the benefit of the doubt re
the dating sites as you’re not officially together. HOWEVER, what you say about the bad temper and the belittling would worry me much more- I think I would need a lot of persuading that he had changed

BrownTurkey · 10/03/2018 08:51

Just delete the app, tell him you don’t want to date again, and keep your contact about the dc. He doesn’t sound like a nice person, don’t let him back in with you.

Firesuit · 10/03/2018 08:52

I don't think he was wrong to respond to the offer of a photo, given you are not committed to each other. Also, him responding to being approached is not at all the same thing as initiating. That was an unfair test. But he sounds like someone you should avoid committing to.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/03/2018 08:55

Don’t go back to a man who belittles you in front of your children - or at all.

Plus, no, you can’t trust him. He heard you split up with your boyfriend, made a move...I wouldn’t be surprised if he started having second thoughts after you’d slept together.

Avoid. Keep moving forwards, not back.

Brickswithstones · 10/03/2018 08:58

As other posters have said, why will you want to go back to a man with a bad temper and who belittles you?

YvonneGoolagongsDugongDoug · 10/03/2018 09:03

Re-connecting with your ex is a massive massive commitment if you have kids to consider OP. I want to say he has fallen at the first hurdle but actually he has fallen in the paddock! I would go ice cold and if he asked why, I would show him his reply. He would have to be 1000% committed before I would take that step and he is not even 1% is he? His response if you showed him the text will show you all you need to know and then you can move on. He sounds deeply unpleasant and someone you would do well to leave in your past.

toomanyweeds · 10/03/2018 09:07

If you were a normal couple just starting to date then I'd think you were being a bit harsh about the message, but you're not - you are the mother of his children and if he wants you back he should be deadly serious about it.